So, Sparkle's going to be a kindergartner again next year. Yep, yep... He'll be in a different classroom, same school. He's actually excited about going to Apple Tree (the name of next year's classroom, this year he's in River), and said, "Mom thanks for letting me go to Apple Tree."
No problem, Baby...
Actually, it's taken me a while to blog about this because it was really bothering me. It was hard for me to hear that my kid isn't mature enough, doesn't handle transitions well enough, isn't engaged in learning enough, not enough, not enough, not enough, etc. I was very nervous before the conference (with one of the directors, his lead teacher and the lead kindergarten teacher--sheesh). I was afraid I might cry as they were telling us how they see that he's not ready. I didn't cry, thank the Lord, but I probably just looked really cranky.
Then, I actually did cry later. I'm mostly over it now, so I can talk about it, but honestly I was so upset. I caught myself with thoughts like, "I'm a failure. I hate my life. I can't do this. I'm not good enough to be a parent. My child is never going to succeed. We're in for a lifetime of academic struggle. I'm a failure, I'm a failure, I'm a failure."
A little over-dramatic, eh?
Once I heard what I was saying to myself in my head, I deliberately stopped myself and said, "No, that's not true" when those thoughts appeared.
I realize that repeating kindergarten does not even register on the list of potential life crises.
Beloved repeated kindergarten... and later he finished a degree in chemistry in three years and a PhD in analytical radio-chemistry in four years, and is by any measure a successful and happy person.
Education decisions are difficult. It's important that kids learn to be confident, motivated, eager learners. (And that's something different than intelligence and high test scores.) But other than the general "make learning fun" there's no guaranteed way to be sure that happens. We've made the best decisions we could, agonized over them, prayed over them, considered and reconsidered, and we've still thought back and wished we could get a "do-over" on some things.
It seems like you have to make your best guess, and you won't know if you made a good choice until way, way later...
Right now I seem to be working on helping my kid to do the best he can, and at the same time letting go of any pressure I feel or any expectations I have of what will make him successful and happy.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that because it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm really mostly over being upset about it.
Apple Tree, here we come!
Oh honey. We have a kid who is repeating preschool. His teachers are annoyed by this. They want him to go to kindergarten, they swear he's ready.
Except that if we fight to get him in he'll be the youngest in his class and is obviously behind his peers (who are older) on social skills.
He's either going to be the oldest or the youngest and are going to hold him back so he's the oldest for the exact reasons you mentioned. Academically, he's ready. Emotionally, we'd be having the exact same conversation next year with Wallace's teachers that you just did with Sparkle's.
I'm so sorry it's so fraught. We have officially "Made our decision", but the teachers think we are crazy and I second-guess myself all the time about it. I worry and think I'm being a bad mom, but would feel the same way in the other direction.
It sucks.
Sparkle is awesome, and I'm sure he'll be okay, but I hear you on how hard it is. I'm so sorry it's so hard.
Posted by: Krissy Poopyhands | Monday, March 16, 2009 at 05:35 PM
Wow. Through the whole post I was saying, "That's what I would have done!". When will us moms stop thinking it's all our fault? It's a knee jerk reaction though, isn't it? At least you didn't cry, I totally would have. My tears start flowing as soon as I feel bad about anything, it's so embarassing.
Congratulations on stopping that thought stream in your head ~ you haven't done anything wrong! It is what it is and just like your husband, it won't make a hill of beans difference in the end. It will, however, most likely help him now and that is important.
And look, isn't that just darling that he thanked you for being able to go to Apple Tree next year. This kid is going to do great! After all, attitude is real important during all this crazy stuff we call life!
You're a great mom!
Posted by: Heidi | Monday, March 16, 2009 at 06:29 PM
I'm a repeater too! There is life after repeating for sure. You are one of the best moms I know and Sparkle has big things in his future. Keep up the good work and enjoy Kindergarden twice as much this time around!
Posted by: Leah | Monday, March 16, 2009 at 09:25 PM
I would have done just what you are doing...all of it. You are doing an amazing job, and your boy is going to be just fine.
But I know just how you feel, and worry and grump and cry when it comes to my girl. Hard being a mama....
Posted by: Amanda | Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at 05:59 AM
I would feel the same way... but I am so glad that you have made peace with it and Sparkle is excited. I'm sure there are great things in store for him.
Posted by: Amanda | Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at 09:03 AM
As I was reading, I was just thinking "Meh, so he repeats kindergarten. He'll probably end up a genius," and then you said that Beloved is the chem version of a rocket scientist. Nuff said.
(Note: it's easy for me to sound all brave about your child - I probably would have bawled in front of the teachers).
Posted by: haze | Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at 09:30 PM
Hard decisions, truly. Small Sun's birthday makes it so that he can be the youngest in the class, or one of the olders. After lots of talking and thinking, we are going to keep him out of school one year longer so that he'll be in the older range in the class. I think that, especially for boys, this works to their advantage. Just think down the road when they are teenagers and you have a 14 year old boy and a 15/16 year old girl in the same class! Eons apart!
Each educator I've talked to on the issue says, if you have a boy, and you have the choice to hold him back, DO IT. It might not be such a big deal now, but it will be a big deal later. I have one friend who is a teacher and she had her son repeat a grade in middle school. Up to that point he was continuously struggling to keep up, but after that he was at the head of his class. So while this may feel like a setback, it might actually be a real step forward for his future success, and it's much easier to do it now than later!
Posted by: Kohana | Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at 11:58 PM
It's so like us moms to blame ourselves for everything, I abosolutely would have done the same thing. I so glad you are no longer feeling like this!
Your son will do fine, kids all learn at different speeds and he is happy about his room for next year.
Posted by: Leigh | Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 09:44 AM
I went through exactly this same thing for Buddy. He is in his second year of kindergarten this year and LOVES it. He is happy, he is reading, his teacher says he is developing leadership skills. I thought the same things - that I was a bad mom, that I had failed, yadda yadda yadda. And had to stop myself just as you did. I am proud of you for seeing it so clearly and having the faith in yourself and him to make the decisions hard as they are.
Also, I have to say, my oldest son Buster is 21 now and I held him back for kindergarten because he had a late birthday. He benefited from that decision all through his years in school. He always hated having to explain to people why he was older than his classmates, but he had the maturity to handle it. Having that time to grow was so important and fruitful.
Sparkle is adorable in the photo in the next post. He is clearly brilliant too! :) You are doing the right thing letting him play with letters and words. His notes are so cute and right on target!
Posted by: cloudscome | Saturday, March 21, 2009 at 04:38 PM
Over my spring break I read parts of Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. He makes an interesting case that being the youngest in cohort can have long term costs in terms of being categorized as 'slower' and grouped with other slower kids. Being older and really ready is probably the best possible outcome.
(I've never commented, but enjoy your blog v much)
Posted by: Melina | Monday, March 23, 2009 at 11:12 AM
I know how you feel...Abe is undergoing speech therapy to correct language problems, he learned Italian so quickly that he didn't have time to learn how to use phonemes correctly or learning phonetic sounds. It's really tough to have your 1st grader come home after a long day at school and once his homework is done, doing at least 20 minutes of phonetic exercises. The kid is tired...fed up with learning by the time he comes home, and I feel like a failure cause we (read I) pushed him so hard to learn Italian quickly so he could start kindergarten 3 months after arriving in Italy that I now feel guilty for doing so.
On the other hand, his 1st grade teachers simply adore him (DISTINCT in behaviour, the only boy out 14 to get that high mark) and he is so diligent about working in class and so respectful of his teachers (wish he would be more so of his parents, but then he would be *too* perfect).
We can't be too hard on ourselves, we're doing our best and for our babies, our best will never be enough !
abbracci
Posted by: Anna | Sunday, March 29, 2009 at 06:25 AM