Mayhem and Magic

Gender in Adoption, Revisited

If you've read this blog for a while, you know I'm interested in the major trend for adopting families to request girls.  It's not really a trend even, it's like...  a MOVEMENT or something.  Way more than 50% of adopting families want girls.  I've written about this before-- here I talked about my own realization that I was just like everyone else, feeling like we should have a girl.  (An Asian girl, no less.) 

Families who have sons want a girl to change things up.  Families who have daughters want a girl so that the new child will fit in with her sisters.  Families with no children yet picture themselves raising a girl. 

Statistically, there should be just as many families who have only daughters asking for a son because they want the experience of raising a boy.  There should be families who have only sons wanting another boy just because they're good at raising boys and they want the new child to fit in with his brothers.  But...  that's not what's happening, at least not often enough to make things even close to statistically even.  Is it?  Am I wrong about this?

I know lots of families who have specifically requested to adopt a girl, have been referred a girl by chance, or in one way or another ended up with lovely families which include daughters either by design or by chance.  In no particular individual case does this bother me. 

What does bother me is that adoptive parents (not you, just adoptive parents as a group) don't really examine this too much.  We feel entitled to make the decision.  And when potential adoptive parents feel entitled you cannot discuss with us that we may not be entitled because, damn it, yes we are and what are you trying to say about us anyway?

I'd like to see parents consider the possibility of some undiscovered racism or sexism in the automatic draw to adopt a girl.  (Again, not you, just all of us, okay?)  It's important to carefully consider the factors that lead us to these decisions, whatever the final decision turns out to be.  How can that be a bad thing? 

I don't know why I keep thinking about this every once in a while. It's odd that this particular issue keeps pestering me.  I really believe that every family is different, family-building is complex and it's ridiculous to say to one family "You made the right decision" and to another "You made the wrong decision."  We adoptive families need to be more supportive of each other, not less.  So why rock the boat over gender selection? 

I'm not trying to guilt families who have requested to adopt girls.  It's not that people shouldn't adopt girls or shouldn't specifically want girls.  Personally, there have been times when I've definitely wanted a daughter and wondered what we would do if we adopted again and if we could specify gender.

Maybe it's because it surprised me when I discovered that my initial assumptions about the race and gender of my yet-to-be adopted children probably were affected by some racism and sexism.  I can hardly stand to think of not having my boys, and I'd hate for anyone else to miss out on adopting a son if it's an option for their family.

And honestly, yeah, occasionally I'm a bit...  ruffled, maybe...  about it at times.  I happen to think my boys are pretty great.  Sometimes I feel like MY family and MY decisions and MY SONS are being rejected.  Like the whole world of adoptive parents would look at my kids and think, "Well, those boys are okay.  For you.  Myself, I wouldn't want them.  I'm waiting for a girl." 

Yes, I realize this is my own problem and I'm working on it.  But do you understand just a tiny bit, even if you think I'm too dramatic and projecting and mean?

(As an aside, I'm interested to see if the changes in international adoption with the Hague convention and the slow down of adoptions from China and Guatemala in particular will impact the patterns of gender selection by potential adoptive parents.)

(I also realized while writing this post that the times I've talked about gender and adoption and building a family...  Those posts were written two or even three years ago.  Wow...  Time flies.  So here are links to a few posts with related topics, just in case you haven't been a devoted reader for three entire years:

Adopting Boys, thinking about reasons that PAPs tend to choose girls.

#3, debating with myself over whether or not I could specify gender in a potential future adoption, and then deciding that I didn't need to think about it.)

Grandpa Inflicts Psychological Trauma

I hesitated a little (but only a little) to blog about this, but it simply must be blogged...

Beloved's dad is here.  Yes, that dad.  The means-well-but-nuts one.

The boys are having a blast, and Beloved and his dad are working on a bunch of little home improvement projects.  The boys think it's all great fun. I like it because they're so interested in being with Dad and Grandpa that I can do other things around the house. 

Between projects, Beloved and I had a meeting with the boys' school yesterday, so we left the kids with Grandpa for about one hour and ten minutes.  We've never left them alone with Grandpa before, and now I remember why.

When we got home Pumpkin was hiding.  You know, the hiding game where the parent is supposed to say, "Oh no!  The children are missing!  Where could they be?  Under the table?  Behind the couch?"  I could hear Pumpkin in the closet, so I "looked" around for a bit and then found him.  Instead of being excited and thrilled with the adventure he said, "I don't want you to spank me!" and tried to close the closet door between us. 

I thought I had misheard him, but he said it again.  "What in the world are you talking about?" I asked him.  Grandpa overheard us and laughed.  

"Oh yeah," said Grandpa, "I told them that when Mom and Dad went to the school the teachers would tell you all the bad things they've done, and the boys were gonna get spanked when you got home."

!!!!!!

Sparkle was upstairs at the time, but when he came down he came to me and asked quietly, "Mom, did the teachers tell you bad things?"

I'm so thankful we were able to reassure them both quickly.  Can you imagine how scary that would be?  You did something wrong, you don't know what but it was bad, and your trusted teachers are going to tell on you, your parents will be mad, and there will be painful consequences...

----------------

As I was typing this, I remembered something similar my grandfather did to me when I was about seven or so.  He told my sister and I that after we went to sleep he was taking our cats to the vet to be put to sleep.  We cried ourselves to sleep, and were so relieved when the cats were still alive the next morning.  He was just teasing us, but now I cannot imagine why he thought it was okay to say such a horrible thing to his granddaughters.

Cheese

Do not come betweeen this child and his cheese. 

(And I wondered why we had trouble with toilet training...)

 

 

They Said Yes!

Hooray for friends! 

Needing Help is Hard

We're going to have a little child care crisis this week.  Beloved will be gone most of the week, and I will be leaving the same day he comes home.  My flight leaves about six hours before his arrives.  So, what to do with the kids during those six hours?

One of Sparkle's teachers does occasional overnight child care in her home.  I don't know how often, exactly.  Apparently it happens often enough that it's worthwhile for her to offer that service for students at the school.  Most of the families have two working-outside-the-home parents, so I'm sure our situation isn't unusual.

Anyway, the current plan is for me to take the boys to school as usual that day.  At the end of the school day she will take them home with her, they will sleep (supposedly) at her house, and Beloved will pick them up in the morning. 

Our kids have never slept anywhere other than Grandma's house without us.  I'm nervous that they will either freak out with anxiety or melt down into horrible behavior at her house.

We do have some friends who live nearby with a son about Pumpkin's age.  Our kids have been to their house and played with their son many, many times.  They would probably be able to help us out.  I could drop the kids off at their house, and they could either sleep there or one of the parents could bring them over to our house to go to bed and then stay with the sleeping kids until Beloved gets home very late at night.

Option 2 seems like a much better choice for the kids.  The only problem is...  I cannot bring myself to ask our friends to help us.

I'm much more comfortable paying someone to watch my kids than asking someone to disrupt their own schedule for our sake.

I even wrote them an email, but couldn't send it.  I know we would absolutely do this kind of thing for a friend if need be, and we would be happy to be able to help them out in any way.  So why am I having so much trouble with this?

Dolls: Now He Loves Them

Not too long ago I decided I wasn't getting my kids any more dolls because they never played with them, not even the burping doll!  It's not like I was buying dolls constantly, but we have three or four.  Anyway, Sparkle has now decided that he loves these dolls.  He has been sleeping with them every night for the last week or so.  Isn't that funny?  In the morning he tends to carry them around for about five or ten minutes after he wakes up, then leaves them somewhere when he decides to do something else, like eat breakfast or tackle his brother (or possibly both at the same time).  But every night he finds them and one sleeps on each side of him.  I wonder how long this will last?  The pink baby is named Baby A, after Pumpkin's sister (his 18 month old bio sister whom Pumpkin's first mom is parenting).  The yellow baby is Muriel Sonya.  

In the first picture Sparkle is squinting a bit because the flash is waking him up.  In the second one he's smiling because he's realized I'm taking his picture.  In the third one he's telling me that the flash is too bright.