« Grandpa Inflicts Psychological Trauma | Main | Pumpkin's Joke »

Comments

Katie

I am definitely guilty of this, only in the opposite way. I really really really wanted a boy while we were waiting for our referral, and could only envision us with a son.

Even when I got THE phone call, and she said "there is a baby girl waiting for you in Johannesburg", it was still a bit surreal for me - of COURSE I was thrilled and swept away with excitement, but it took a few days for it to settle in that I was going to have a daughter.

And now, as we look ahead to adopting again in 3-4 years (long waiting list!), I find myself again wanting a boy!

But if I really stop and think about it, and rest in knowing that God is going to design our family's composition and culture and personality "just right", I don't really give it a second thought.

But you're right, I definitely had/have some "undiscovered sexism" for sure.

Liz

Great topic - I think it's the sense of "entitlement" you describe that really bothers me. I specifically chose the adoption agency I am working with because as a first time parent I'm not able to specify gender - after specifying a country, specifying an age, specifying everything else, I felt like there should be at least one thing that was a surprise! And I admit to getting judgmental about people who want to specify a gender, and then I feel bad about being judgmental...it's a tough issue!

Leigh

I wish I could address everything you said, but I think my post would be too long Amanda. I really understand where you are coming from with this entire post.

When we first started the process to adopt no. 2, I felt tremendously guilty for wanting a girl (and for voicing that want.) There are so many boys available, and I always thought if we adopt two kids, I'd want more boys, but then, I got to thinking I like to have a daughter.

I'm totally guilty, and somedays still struggle with that. If we'd not requested a girl, we'd have a baby by now. I'm almost sure of that.

Andrea

I've been a lurker on your blog for a few months now and really enjoy your perspective and insight so first thank you for sharing! I just wanted to comment that I am currently waiting for a referral from Ethiopia and during the dossier process was fully intending to leave gender unspecified because I didn't feel it was my place to "select". Deep down I really leaned towards a boy though and I think a big part of it was because so many people request girls. I am always an underdog rooter and want to pick up those left behind kind of person so naturally when I heard and read about sooo many families wanting girls (and believe me no judgement here!)I leaned the other way. Long story short I left the gender open but through some fluky paperwork error it ended up reading boy...so I left it. Funny how things work out!

Amanda

Like a PP, I really wanted (and could only picture myself parenting) a boy when we started fostering, but we didn't specify any gender on our paperwork.

Though our first placement was a boy, we ended up with two daughters. I gotta admit that as much as I love them and can't imagine my life without them, I really think we will eventually try to adopt a boy. I don't understand the preference for girls, myself... I always kind of thought it might be driven by the fact that it seems like women tend to prefer girls, and in my limited experience it's women who do a lot of the adoption research and planning.

Other than that, I got nothin'.

Denise

My husband and I talked about adoption from very early on, and I will admit, it was usually a girl from China we had envisioned. My husband spent a good deal of time in China in his early 20s and saw how many girls were placed for adoption... I think that is one country where it is a true need.

But life has a funny way of taking it's own course, and our son came into our lives as a complete surprise... a boy, from Haiti, way older than we had thought about. And I can't imagine our lives without him.

cloudscome

I wonder if Shirley Temple movies have anything to do the fantasy of adoptable girls needing rescuing. I think there is a tendency to view boys (particularly older, minority) as being harder to raise. You hear such frightening stories.

I myself am really happy with my three sons. :) Thanks for bringing this topic up.

Kohana

I would fall into the camp with Andrea, my heart going out to the children less likely to be chosen. But the thing that REALLY makes me want our next adoption to be a boy, is seeing how badly my son wants someone in our family to look like him. I imagine adopting an older boy than I had previously imagined, to be the ally my son needs. I know that we all want adoption to be just about the child being adopted, and completely altruistic on our parts (as if that were really possible!),but when we make these decisions (that we have to make whether we want to or not), we are also deciding what is best for current family members. I was just mulling the issue over today, wondering if it is wrong to try to create that relationship for my son through our next adoption...if it is burdening a new child with unrealistic expectations?

All the choices we make in adopting are so weighty and have such immense consequences.

PastormacsAnn

We actually adopted a little girl and a little boy at the same time. We believed so strongly that God's plan for us included a little boy that we actually turned down our first referral that was for two little girls (sisters).


Shannoncl

I can't find the source in my memory bank, but I do remember reading in my adoption prep.. somewhere... the statistics. I may be get the specifics wrong, but in general- it showed biases by country/region. I believe US was girls but that Canada was boys. There were a number of other countries mentioned as well. It's bugging me that I can't remember- I'll find it and leave you another note.

I agree. But it is so personal. I think there is a tendancy to grasp at any type of control we can get our hands on during the agony.. i mean paperchase. As with everything in this process, there is never one reason for the answer.. there are always a number of variables to consider. I often feel the temptation to hint to my specialist a preference.. and then remember.. this is not my choice. And giving into temptation takes away so much.

justice

i've heard this statistic too. the least desired type of child is african american boys. they wait in the system much longer than any other race/gender of children. it's sad. we didn't request a particular gender when we started our pre-adopt process. we happened to get a boy first. we're choosing a boy second as well. normally i hate the idea of getting to "choose" your child, but it so happens that we only have one bedroom and according to social service regulations, boys and girls can't share a room. so we have to get another boy, not that i mind that at all. i think my son will enjoy having a brother. and i love parenting boys.

and i agree with you, it bothers me that most families prefer a girl. why? why not a boy? is there something wrong with them? i did read in a parenting magazine (and this had me laughing) that out of 6 categories, boys were thought to be harder to raise 5 categories out of the 6, and girls were harder in only one. i don't know, is that what's holding people back? it does bother me though. even though i can't judge others for their preference, it just eats at my nerves a bit. what's more is that it makes me sad to think about all the boys waiting in orphanages and foster care just because they are not the preferred gender. it's not their fault.

that being said, i DO want a girl eventually. maybe for a third or fourth child. it's my own selfish desire. so i understand where people are coming from. but, i think boys are cool. i'm glad we had a boy first, and if i HAD to choose only one or the other i would pick boys. people just don't know what they're missing ;)

thanks for stopping by my blog by the way. i'll be interested in reading more of your posts.

haze

Thank you for writing this post so sensitively and non-judgmentally.

Gender choice was a huge decision for me when filling out my paperwork, but it was no harder choice than selecting an age range. I find it hypocritical for people to judge people for requesting a girl when they themselves asked for a child/children of a certain age. In the end, after much soul searching and discussion with my s/worker, I requested an infant girl. Maybe it's because I'm a single woman (although I personally know other single women adopting/ who have adopted a boy - also a single friend who adopted a 7-yr old girl. My hat is off to her!). Being single, it would also be harder for me to find a stable, male role model for a son. And I know I will feel more comfortable and confident raising a girl on my own. If (and when) I adopt a second time, I will request a boy or either gender. I do love boys - after all, my brothers were little boys at one point (although, they were annoying little buggers!)

One of the reasons I felt okay with my choice was knowing that there were no more boys than girls coming into care (at least not through the orphanages our Canadian agency works with). This still seems to be the case. Maybe because the girls are sometimes considered of lesser 'value' to the birth family than the boys (this is in Ethiopia). But I try not to 'justify' my decision based on this information.

I guess, in the end, part of it was also about having a little control over the process. It's a precious commodity to have.

Amy

We are looking to adopt our first child, (we currently have 2 bio children, one of each gender) and we are requesting a girl. Our oldest child is a teenage boy, our second, a 10 yo girl. Not that we could ever imagine life without either of them, but he has "special needs" with Autism /Developmental delays, and we worry that if we adopted a boy, he would feel "replaced" in some way, that he was not what we wanted, that he was not "whole" so we were looking for a "replacement". Where as if we had another daughter, he wouldn't see her as a threat. I love my son, and I would love to have more sons, but I have to do what is best for my current children. We have read so much about the preference for girls, but I think, that in certain cases, gender selection is REALLY important. (We are way less concerned about Race and age as long as our new daughter is younger than our current daughter.) I think you just have to let people decide for themselves why they select what they select. (Not that this article wasn't doing that - Just a personal note.)

The comments to this entry are closed.

Most Recent Photos

  • IMG_7217
  • IMG_7200
  • IMG_7175
  • 1big
  • IMG_7126
  • IMG_7058
  • IMG_9724
  • IMG_5896
  • IMG_5124
  • IMG_3678
  • CIMG1253
  • IMG_4022