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Angela (Eos)

We can't win huh?!LOL

You know...I've stayed home full time when K was little but then in order to allow J (my husband) to finish his degree I went back to work for four years. She was fine...she was great when she was with me full time and was great when she was in daycare (go figure! she liked having all the kids to play with!) and this made me realize that there is no perfect scenario and it really depends on the children themselves and family dynamics and doing what is best in general.

Interestingly enough I felt no guilt when I was working. I didn't like my hours or my job nor how tired I was but now I know that after these two or three years go by (since we are adopting from the system it might take a while) I'm definitely going back to school and/or going back to ...gasp...work.

This was a startling realization for me because I thought that all I wanted was to stay home but now I know that there other things that matter to us as a whole (taking vacations, money for college and retirement, extra sports/activity classes, a meaningful career, etc.) and that the best way to get them is for me to return to work eventually and I'm actually ok with it. I just had to let go of this preconceived and inflexible image of myself as the hearth mother.

All this to say that I think we (women) are too hard on ourselves...we start to buy into the "one way" things should be done and feel guilt when we are not doing it that way but really...there is no "one way" specially if everyone in the family is thriving. Now I'm slightly embarrased by the old me that used to rant about how important it is to stay home...I wish I could go back in time and slap myself silly and tell my old self "stop being so rigid..there is more than one way to parent and they are all legitimate."


It is a struggle, I'm with you on that!

However, you staying home wouldn't change the dynamic of your husband's career feeling like the more "important" one. It would just change to "I've been taking care of the kids all day, and now you're going out this evening? When am I going to catch a break?"

Before I came home with the kids we had the same issue. My husband's career garners him prestige and financial success, mine was never likely to contribute more than pocket change to our income, and it is under appreciated. There's the rub - we chose those careers because they were things we each were passionate about. It's hard to swallow when your career isn't valued or compensated on equal terms with your spouses, or your friend's or your family member's careers. It's coming to terms with that reality that is never easy.


I was in a serious funk the last few months over this very issue. I am pretty sure that I do not like working for "the man" but I do like working in general. I think I could be very happy staying home full time but I also like the extra cash. I will let you know what I think when baby #2 arrives. I keep thinking the work at home must double and I am not sure I can keep up.

Lisa M

I appreciate your verve here.

It's hard to do that delicate dance, that satisfies everyone..

I wish you the best in your endeavors.

It's a bit of a puzzle, but the great thing is, you can fiddle with the pieces until you find just the right fit.


It's also worth remembering that women receive social and/or media pressure to feel guilty or selfish no matter what decisions we make in regards to children and career. It can be really hard to liberate ourselves from that.

Good luck figuring it out! I don't have kids yet, but I do have some of the same issues with my husbands career vs. my own, so I can definitely sympathize.


I totally understand where you are coming from. I am in the same boat and have often thought some of those same things lately. I've always felt that my career takes a backseat to my husband's. Maybe because he's the primary breadwinner, or maybe its societal perceptions of men and women's roles. I've always adjusted my schedule to fit his and have at times, been more frustrated than not.


I assume (knowing that you should never assume) that there are some woman who don't feel power stuggles, those are the kind woman that always smile and seem so together, but then there are those woman like me, I am not so timid, I speak my mind, and I go insane at home, but I am lazy and did not enjoy the career world. I don't know that it is really the best option for my kids, and I resent my husbands atitude about his job often and I wish I could be the sweet smile and not complain kind of gal, but I am not and my husband knows who he married, and really I want to be just who I am, and sometimes you just have to get it all off your chest, tell him how you feel. me being me, the power struggle will always be there, too bad.

How was that for a nonsensical ramble?

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