Parenting Black Children: What Not to Do?

I just read an interesting article in Adoptive Families.  Please read the article.  I'd like to know what you think.

While we were in the adoption process for Sparkle, I had some thoughts that I'm not proud of now.  I was thinking of how we would instill pride in our South African child, how we would let him know he was special, how we would make it be okay that he was one of a minority of Black kids in our area.  And I admit I had some vague idea that we would talk up South Africa and how his ancestors had never been slaves.  In my head, this would be in the context of helping him identify with African American history, too.  Just, you know, having extra pride in being South African. 

Now I think this is a bad idea.  A BAD idea. 

I absolutely understand the motivation of adoptive parents who might want to use this "But your people were never slaves, your country was never colonized" thing.  Sometimes there are way more negatives than positives about being a transracially adopted kid, or being one of only several kids of color in a classroom, or being the only Black child in a family.  We feel like we need anything, ANYTHING, to make it more tolerable when things are hard.

I understand wanting your son to know the history of his country of origin, and wanting him to be proud of himself and his first family.

But I would like to suggest that making difficult things more tolerable by drawing distinctions among Black people is NOT WORTH IT.

I have two Black children from very different backgrounds.  (Sparkle was born in South Africa, and Pumpkin was born in Indiana.)  For our family, there would be some very direct consequences if I were to lead either of them to believe that any aspect of his "Blackness" was better than his brother's. 

Can you imagine? 

And you know, my kids don't have lots of other South African kids around.  They have some African American friends (both adopted and not adopted), but we still need for our kids to feel connected to other Black adopted kids, to feel a part of that community.  It bothers me to think that kids whose parents take this approach to "building pride" might make my boys feel like they don't belong. 

(So, it's all about my kids and my own selfishness, you see!)  (Except not really.)

I've actually been working on this post for a while, and I keep writing things and then deleting them.  I'm struggling to explain this and it's probably not going to come out exactly right.  And I'm a little nervous to write about unity among people of color when I obviously have no personal experience as a person of color.  Please feel free to tell me if you disagree, or if you can explain it better.  I think it's an important discussion.

Here's what I originally wrote (and please note ahead of time that my thinking has been a little revised):

You cannot say, "Well, we're just expressing pride in the strength of the Ethiopian people when we remind our kids that Ethiopia was never colonized" without at the same time saying (even if you don't say it out loud, even if you say it innocently, even if you don't think your kid will pick up any more subtle meaning), " 'Cause those people in countries that were colonized were weaker."  (Not trying to pick on adoptive parents of Ethiopian kids, here, just using this example since it was in the article.) 

I cannot say to my South African son, "Here is something for you to be proud of:  Your ancestors were never slaves!" without implying "That would be bad if your ancestors had been slaves."

Now, this is not 100% true in every situation.  I absolutely believe it is possible to talk about the history of a country or a people group in an objective way that builds self-knowledge without creating a better than/worse than dynamic.  (And I think the author of the article has a unique situation in that her daughters were eight years old when they were adopted and the author is an adoption professional.)

But.  I think the line between positive confidence and negative, devisive pride is very verrrry fine.

Comments

[Krissy Poopyhands]

I have no African, or African-American children and so cannot answer from personal experience, but I have to think that you are 100% correct.

To say that one is good implies that the other is bad. With your situation and your boys, I completely agree.

The difference, I think, in the author's situation is that both girls are from Ethiopia, so they come from the same background, and much more importantly, they were adopted at six years old. They had a history and awareness of their culutre and country.

As much as you don't want to make others feel bad, it's perfectly acceptable for them to be proud of the country they came from and to not associate their history with slavery, simply because their family history doesn't include slavery.

They can be made aware of it without being expected to own it.

I think that with your boys you are going to have to present slavery vs. African heritage as facts. FACT: You both have African heritage. FACT: One of you has a biological history related to slavery and one doesn't.

And then don't be surprised when it's one of the things that makes them different.

Again, just jumping in here. No idea if I'm correct.

[Leigh]

There was something about this article that really rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe I will go back and read it later and get a different perspective. S

he noted the differences between blacks here and in Ethiopa, as if we've not as much to be proud of, as if one someone is better than the other. I can't articulate it, but it just seemed her opinions about blacks in America is obviously not on the same level as Ethiopa. She spent way too much time discussing the differences in her kid's from other black kids here in America. Realistically speaking though, when they step out the front door, John Q. Citizen is going to see two little black girls. We are visual people, and I think that's pretty normal. The problem comes in when we start to stereotype based on what we see.

"Because of their history—and the long history of their people—they fit in differently in our society." Maybe they do fit in differently, in a way, BUT, if they are going to remain here in America in this society, it could possibly be a good idea to help them integrate into society for their own benefit. Focusing on our differences never did anyone any good. I don't know, just my two cents . . .

[Angela]

The differences are much more striking and evident when an "adult" emigrates into this country because they relate to their own history/past and even then they have to reconcile how they see themselves with how they are seen here (just another black man/woman)...so for a child raised here all people will see is the color of the skin and not their cultural heritage so it would be dangerous to focus on raising them "solely" as natives of a country from Africa (not to say that they shouldn't be proud or that you shouldn't do what you can so they are proud of their origins) because they will need the tools to survive this one...and part of that is coming to terms w/ how they will see our horrible history w/ slavery.

For example, we have a family friend (Cuban) whose identity is not as tied in to that of a black person here with more recent memories of slavery (she sees herself as Cuban first, black second) but had to come to terms w/ the shaky and difficult interacial dynamics of this country (there is prejudice there too but is not like here) because people would see her color first and foremost.

Not sure where I'm going w/ this (I have a horrible cold and my head is cotton-filled!) but to say that people will see "black" first (and all that it will bring to mind) and whatever their country is later and it's better if they present an united front based on what they share (their color and how other people will see them) and not having one feel differently from the other.

This is soooo hard...I understand. Our daughter is black and we (hubby and I) are Hispanics (though we pass for white and this brings undeserved priviledge over others...sad world we live in). If it weren't for the fact that I have both friends and family who are black I don't think I would have adopted transracially (although in our case the adoption sort of chose us...long story)...it "IS" hard and if people are not willing to go into all the hard, upseting, ubly and uncomfortable bits they will be doing their children a disservice (and frankly, in my opinion, they shouldn't adopt children of color...one of my problems w/ people who rush to "save" the children w/out critically thinking as to how they will be raised here...glad you are willing to deal w/ all the "ugly" bits!LOL)....they (the kids) have to learn to be strong enough to weather public perception and grow confident.

[wendy]

I think you are right, Amanda. There is no need to instill that kind of pride. I feel like it is more important to have our children feel connected to others, than for them to feel like they have an advantage over people. They will be viewed as African-Americans and treated as such by others. I used to think I didn't need to teach my Ethiopian kids as much about the plight of Black Americans, since it wasn't their own personal story. And yet, it is the story of everyone in America. We all need to know about America's past (and present, truthfully), as it affects everyone here. My Ethiopian children will be thought of as AAs and not be separated from other Black Americans, so why create a divide? Isn't our goal to have all of our children feel connected to every human being, regardless of race?

(I hope that made sense.)

[wendy]

I think you are right, Amanda. There is no need to instill that kind of pride. I feel like it is more important to have our children feel connected to others, than for them to feel like they have an advantage over people. They will be viewed as African-Americans and treated as such by others. I used to think I didn't need to teach my Ethiopian kids as much about the plight of Black Americans, since it wasn't their own personal story. And yet, it is the story of everyone in America. We all need to know about America's past (and present, truthfully), as it affects everyone here. My Ethiopian children will be thought of as AAs and not be separated from other Black Americans, so why create a divide? Isn't our goal to have all of our children feel connected to every human being, regardless of race?

(I hope that made sense.)

[Katy]

I read this article and it definately rubbed me the wrong way. There was a very interesting discussion going on about it at http://seekingsprout.blogspot.com/2008/01/ethiopian-vs-african-american.html. I posted a poorly worded and long comment about it there and got BLASTED, and educated, by an anonymous Ethiopian. Several thought provoking comments followed by others. It was a pretty heated but very interesting "discussion".

I just found your blog and I am really enjoying it. I look forward to reading more.

[Denise]

We just had a conversation in our van today after school. My 7yo asked why "most brown skinned people are called African Americans." It was interesting to hear all my kids' thoughts on this. They thought of several black friends we have... Ghanian, Jamaican, and the many Haitians we know. The kids were all relating it to ancestry, and pointing out that we say we are Irish, even though we were born and raised here. But Pipo is truly Haitian because he was born there. I love hearing kids' takes on these things.

I do agree with you that pointing out the 'good' can imply the 'bad'. But I also think pride in heritage is not a bad thing. You can be proud of where are from without feeling 'better than' another ancestry. I love that my son is proud of his Haitian heritage, but he is also being raised to be a black child in America, and needs to know the history there.

[Erin O']

Definitely an interesting discussion -- the article made me a bit uncomfortable, too. I think it's such a huge subject to be whittled down the way it was.

I agree with previous commenters -- our kids (adopted from Ethiopia) will be viewed as African-Americans by the general public. I want our kids to feel as comfortable among African-Americans as they can, so they won't feel any more outside than they already will by being transracially adopted kids. But their heritage as Ethiopians is equally important, especially since they have existing ties with family there. We'll do what we can to help them navigate, but once they're older, they'll probably make their own decisions about where they want to fit in, which culture(s) they identify more with .

You shouldn't be afraid to post about sticky subjects, you do a good job! Thanks!

[Candis]

Hmmmmm. As an AA woman I find the article just as narrow-minded as the biases we all possess (albeit in varying degrees). For example, the author points out her daughters' backgound as Ethiopian distances them from the AA experience. But what is the African American/Black experience? I was raised in Southern California. Reared and educated as a Catholic. How AA is that? I speak some Spanish (learned from my father, who was born in Mississippi in the 1920s). How Black is that?
Can you be Black AND Polish? If Barack Obama's mother is White, why is he Black? If his father were half-White, would he still be African American?
I have Mexican friends who say if you are Black (have identifiable sub-Saharan African traits) you can't be Mexican, but what if you were born in Mexico?
If your hair is veeerrrrry curly, and your skin darker than..(whose??) does that make you AA? What if you like watermelon? I mean, What's the test?!

But I digress... Anything that separates us from communion with others cannot be good. When I see a bumper sticker that reads "Irish Pride," I wonder what it means. If I'm not Irish, then I am starting off with a handicap? The one that reads "Skin" turns me off from ever wanting to know that person. By the same measure, "My kid is an Honor student" smacks of one-upsmanship
Must we improve our social standing by congratulating ourselves for the non-accomplishments of geography and phenotype?

[Kohana]

Okay, I haven't read the article so my comment isn't so much in reference to that as just a thought...

If Ethiopia was never colonized, I think the WHY behind that would be a valuable heritage lesson. Not necessarily a matter of pride over other African nations, but rather an opportunity to discuss the strengths of the people and the conditions in Ethiopia when African nations were being colonized.

Pertinant to my biracial son with AA heritage, I'll be discussing a similar thing when we talk about why some slaves escaped North or bought themselves free while others did not. It's a great opportunity to examine the coming together of individual strenths, societal injustice, and the interplay of personal strength and weakness and societal success and failure.

Am I making any sense? I think the discussion is a great one to have with our children, however I would disagree with a conclusion that it is as simplistic as "not being colonized makes Ethiopians better than nations that were colonized."

[Heidi-happy mom]

hmmm... I will come back, lots to think about. I have missed your blog!