Welcome to the World, Baby A!

Pumpkin has a little sister!  She was born to his first mom, R, and both of them are home now and doing well.

We can't wait to see pictures.  I wonder if she looks like Pumpkin. 

We were walking through Target the day after she was born, and some little fuzzy pink infant thing caught my eye. I usually just don't even look at the girl-y clothes section, having been a mom of boys for four years. 

But now!  A-ha! 

I may have gone a little crazy with pink...  Have you seen the cuteness in the infant girls clothing?  Oh my gosh.  So cute.

Pumpkin really does not care too much at all about this whole "Little Baby A" thing.  It's pretty abstract for him, I guess.  He did say something about Baby A living in South Africa, and he and I going together on a plane to see her.  I suppose it's kind of confusing. 

R would really like if Pumpkin would express more interest in Baby A.  So far when they've talked on the phone, he just wants to tell her that he's wearing a football jersey and Lightning McQueen is his favorite.  (Which he tells everyone.)  I feel a little badly for her because she would like for him to participate in the excitement of the new baby experience, but at three years old, he doesn't really understand or care. 

This is new territory for us...  I don't want to push Pumpkin to understand who Baby A is and why she's important if it's just going to be confusing for him right now.  But I want to make sure he has the opportunity to understand or to ask questions.

Sparkle is actually more interested in Baby A than Pumpkin is.  And again, this is new territory.  If Baby A is Pumpkin's baby sister, is she Sparkle's sister, too?  I'm not sure how to answer that, actually, which is weird.  With Pumpkin, R has clearly referred to Baby A as Pumpkin's baby sister.  So that's what we're calling her.  (Not his "genetic half sister" or anything.)  R thinks of Sparkle as Pumpkin's brother, but she definitely does not think of him as her son, so I don't know if she would be okay with Sparkle calling Baby A his sister. 

I do believe that people can choose to be family to one another, regardless of genetic or legal connections.  It wouldn't bother me if Sparkle wanted Baby A to be his sister, but I don't want to offend R, or make her feel like she has some obligation to Sparkle as well as Pumpkin.  (Though, truly, R has been wonderful about including Sparkle-- she sends him Christmas gifts and talks to him on the phone and things like that.)

Poor little Sparkle...  He knows his birth mom is in South Africa and that she has children who live with her.  He wishes he could talk to her on the phone like Pumpkin talks to R.  He has lots of ideas about how we could write to her, or visit her, or call her.  And I would so like to be able to give him that opportunity.  We wrote a letter asking the adoption agency in South Africa to give L (Sparkle's first mom) our contact information.  But that was about five months ago.  I don't even know if we sent the letter to the right person, or the right office.  I don't know if the adoption agency can't help us, or won't, or if L herself asked them not to.

It's so hard for a little person to understand.  And you know what?  That's because it's just not understandable, is it?  Not even for a grown up. 

We are all okay (Sparkle, Pumpkin, Beloved and me, R, and Baby A).  We're glad to be part of each other's lives, and we're so happy that Baby A is healthy and happy and safe.  Adoption stuff is still just hard and sad sometimes.      

Comments

[Krissy Poopyhands]

It really is just totally and completely incomprehensible. You are right up there at the top of my brain list of good moms, but I don't have the first clue how you'd handle that.

You're a goddess for doing what you do. Not because it's your calling, but because you've stepped in and loved these boys and let them love you back and have tried to make as much sense of it all as possible. And tried to find peace with the stuff that just doesn't make sense.

I have a boatload of admiration for you that's just growing over time. And your kids are pretty cool, too.

Also you have excllent decorational taste.

[Kohana]

I like what you say about having the ability to choose our family. These relationships in adoption do get completely confusing and I don't know how to sort them all out either. I do like the idea of saying "these people are family to us, they are our people" and casting a larger blanket of connectedness instead of trying to untangle and organize the strands that bring us together.

[Erin O']

you said it, sad and hard to understand.

I bet if Sparkle asked R. if baby A. was his little sister, too, she'd say "sure."

Maybe you could have Sparkle dictate a letter to L., and save it for when you are able to make contact. He can write them as needed, for him, even if she's not able to read them yet.

[Heidi - happy mom]

It is all so complicated, Sam and Amanda have a baby A of their own coming soon.

I don't even know where to go with any of it. of course I want to be open, but I don't want to confuse and frustrate.

I am so sorry that you have not been able to make contact for Sparkle. good idea with the letters (from Erin) and keep them for later.

Good luck with all that.

[cloudscome]

Congratulations to all for baby A's birth! I know what you mean about how fun it is to buy pink baby gifts.

It is so hard to figure out how to go when our families are complicated. I think you are right in the way you are feeling it out.

I am more sure every day that even though it is confusing and frustrating, open and honest is so much better for all of us that secrets and denial. Sparkle will feel his pain. But he will find his way and he has your love to carry him.

[dawn]

Happy Birth Day Baby A!!! I think you're on the right path and that it'll come together. Heck, even if Baby A was living in your very home likely it'd take some time to figure it all out, you know? I mean, it was awhile before my nephew stopped asking when his little sister was going to go back to wherever she came from!