Listening to Adult Adoptees and First Parents

I've been reading some of the blog posts and comments about the New York Times adoption blog. 

I don't have anything new to add about the censoring of comments on the NYT blog.  What stands out to me is the unwillingness of adoptive parents to listen to what adoptees, first parents, and people of color have to say about their experience.

We adoptive parents seem to immediately get defensive when adult adoptees say anything "negative" about their experience as people of color or their perspective on adoption.  (And we get really defensive when parents who have relinquished children to adoption say anything "negative," but the NYT thing has been specifically about shushing adoptees.)

What is so threatening about listening to a different opinion?  We don't have to agree.  It's not as if an army of adult adoptees is going to move in with us and critique our every parenting move.  The thing is, I think if we could just listen better we would find that their experience does have an impact on us and our parenting, for the better.

A few years ago, my sister (a Korean adult adoptee) found out that her first family was looking for her.  (So, so fascinating, but not my story to tell!)  We had already adopted Sparkle, and it was interesting to watch some of the family dynamics going on from my perspective as an adoptive sister and a relatively new adoptive mom.

A particular conversation that stands out to me is one I had with my mom while all of this unfolded.  Somewhere my mom made the comment, "...but I realized, it's not like she's going to move back to Korea.  No matter what happens, she's still going to be here..."

I had mostly been looking at the situation as a fascinating, exciting story.  I hadn't realized how frightening it was for my mom, or how protective she felt about my sister and their relationship.

(And then there's another whole discussion about how my parent's opinions and feelings might impact my sister's interaction with her Korean family.  Again, probably not something I get to blog about.) 

None of this is to say that I am so Super-Ultra-Fabulous at listening and setting aside my opinions to just absorb what someone else is trying to show me.  I'm definitely not immune to feeling defensive about my position as mother to my kids.

When Pumpkin turned one, his first mom sent him a bunch of gifts and cards.  One was a figurine she had chosen for him, and she had inscribed it with a message, ending with "Love from Mom."  Now, by this time I was definitely trying to listen and learn from adoptees and first parents.  If you had asked me, I would have told you that it was okay with me that R is also Pumpkin's mother.  But I very clearly remember the swelling of defensiveness, almost anger, a fighting, possessive response that felt like it almost literally bubbled up in my chest.

And, almost as immediately, I remembered my surprise when I figured out how threatened my mom felt by my sister's first family.

And I kind of sat back and "watched" myself.  I didn't try to push off that feeling of possessiveness.  I just let myself feel it, and at the same time thought about my sister and my mom and the first families of my boys.  The mama bear feeling faded after a while.

I don't think that what I felt was "bad" or wrong.  It was just a feeling, just emotion, and it was valuable, I think.  It's not wrong for adoptive parents to vehemently claim their children as their own.  (Personally, I think they can be ours, our very own, and still have part of them be someone else's as well.)  It's not wrong to feel defensive sometimes.  It's not wrong to disagree with adoptees and first parents sometimes.  But I think it is wrong to refuse to hear them. 

Don't worry if they seem angry or disrespectful or damaged to you at first.  Don't try to formulate your response.  Don't try to think of how your family or your child is different.  Don't panic about the future (your own or your child's).

If you can, try to set yourself aside for a while.  When an experience or opinion is shared, try to say "thank you" (in person or just in your mind).  Then you can think about what was shared, decide if the information is useful to you, and decide if you need to change anything about yourself or your parenting.  And if you do need to change something, then do it.  And if you don't, then don't, and stop worrying about it.  But keep listening.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this.  This post might end up sounding like I'm a crazy self-righteous pushover.  But I do believe that If we can really listen to adoptees and first parents, we will find them to be a source of encouragement and support for ourselves and for our kids.

Comments

[steph]

Thanks for adding your wise perspective to this discussion. :)

[Patricia]

Funny, I just had a conversation with my son last night about how we should address his birth parents...I often just call them "his mom and dad" or even "his mommy and daddy" but he said that confuses him - he prefers his "Haiti mom and dad". I do use their first names in his bedtime song since they fit better with the tune. I actually have never felt threatened by them (but that might change if we go back to visit them as I hope we will soon) Knowing who they are but that they are a long way away might be making me complacent....
We also had the talk about "real moms" and we decided that it was perfectly fine for him to have two "real moms"!

[haze]

Thanks for sharing your feelings and being honest about feeling defensive. I also believe that is a natural part of loving and protecting your children.

[beagle]

Thanks for sharing these thoughts.

[wendy]

Very well said. I think that it can be difficult, because it is a very fine balance. The older I get, the less "threatened" I feel. I know that these are my kids, but I know that they belong to other people, too. And I'm pretty comfortable with that now.

[Heidi-happy mom]

very very very well done!

I could say a millions things but instead i will say I agree!

thank you

[cloudscome]

Very wise post. Thank you for sharing your own experience. Feelings are meant to be felt and you have shown us how to use them for thinking fuel.