The Third Child Decision is Made (Mostly)

The decision is made.  No more babies.

Actually, the decision was made about six weeks ago, but I have avoided blogging about it.

(If you have missed the many previous posts on this subject, here's a link to catch up.)

Beloved really doesn't want to have any more kiddos.  I knew that, but maybe I didn't realize that he felt as strongly as he does.  He has lots of good reasons.  Time is a big one.  He really wants to be able to parent the children we have as well as possible, and he feels like another child would mean giving up time he'd like to be able to spend with the boys, doing so many of the fun things they can do now, like riding bikes and playing ball and traveling.

Have I mentioned how hard Beloved works?  He is really very, very smart and works as a scientist.  He has arranged his schedule so that he drops the boys off and at school at 9 AM and picks them up a 4 PM.  This means that he is actually in his office and lab for less time than his peers, but he's made it work because it's good for the boys.  He usually ends up either working from home or going back to his office after they go to bed.  And he still has managed to be more than fabulous at his job, with funding and publishing and all those things that are important to scientists.

Anyway, he's working really hard and isn't sure he can add anything else without sacrificing his work, himself, or his family more than he's willing to do.

And the thing is, I agree with him.  I agree with him about needing to make sure we do our best for the kids we have.  I agree that we feel maxed out most of the time already.  And of course there are concerns about money, housing, and adoption to think about too. 

I've been avoiding writing about this decision for couple of reasons.  One is that I want to be able to talk about it in a way that makes it clear that we made the decision together and I didn't give up my desire because Beloved just casually dismissed the idea, or that he pushed me to make a decision with which I'm not comfortable.

Another reason I haven't written about it is because I'm still not totally sure how I feel.  Mostly it's fine, and I agree, and I'm happy with our family.  But I'm not being able to force myself to be completely at peace with never having any more children.

Beloved knows that I'm not totally ready to say for sure that we're done.  He knows that I'm still trying to arrange things in my head, trying to figure out a way to make it work without this whole house of cards that we've built so carefully coming tumbling down around us.

Who knows...  Maybe we'll adopt an older child in a few years?

For the indefinite future, we are not planning to pursue adding another child to the family.

So we made this decision several weeks ago.  And I was just letting it all kind of sit for a while, not sure where my emotions and thoughts would land, exactly.

And then R. (Pumpkin's first mom) told us the big news that she is expecting a baby in a few months!

I really need to write about that, but again, my thoughts have been a little scattered and I have not been exactly sure what I think or how I feel.  Clearly, though, I need to write about it.  I don't know how I could share as much as I have about how adoption affects our family and then not write about this...

So that's coming soon...

Comments

[Heather]

Oh. My. God.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Either way--
OMG!!!
On the edge of my seat here. Either way.
And you know, I am so interested, because we're having the exact same conversations around and around and around here in our neck of the woods. So I'm anxious to see what unfolds for YOU! ;)
Email me if you want to set up a phone call to CHAT. Heather

[wendy]

Is she going to parent this child? Or is she asking you to adopt him/her? Just curious.

You and Beloved sound like dedicated, loving, and intelligent parents. Even if the decision has been hard to make and come to grips with; it sounds like you made the right choice for your family.

[MichelleL]

Well, darn. I was hoping to live vicariously through your pregnancy. But I do entirely respect your decision and am looking forward to hearing more about Pumpkin's birthmom's situation.

[Kohana]

Funny, I was just thinking about you and wondering if you had come to a decision yet. I hope you are able to embrace your decision and live it to the fullest!

[Louise]

As we await arrival of possible baby #1, we have been in a lot of discussion of "how many children we want." Maybe we'll have four! Of course, infertility and adoption has taught me that much of this is beyond our control. Also, I am sure after we are parenting a real, live baby, I am sure we'll realize just how much work it entails! :-)

I am definitely interested in reading your thoughts about Pumpkin's first mom.

[Leigh]

Adding to the family is a big decision for sure. We've been mulling it over for a while and an opportunity presented itself not long ago, but then fell apart when social services made a decision we could do nothing about.

I was wondering what your decision would be.

[Haze]

Wow, life throws a lot of curveballs. Just when you thought you had made your decision...

My best wishes to you as you work through this.

[Erin O']

Wow is right. We are too early into our first adoption experience to contemplate a third child, but every once in a while I wonder...

Much strength to you and Beloved as you go through all this.