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Well said. Thank you for your honesty. I could relate to a great deal of what you wrote, even though any biological siblings of our son are theoretical at this point.

Laundry & Children

You are amazing! Just sorting through one's feelings when it comes to touchy subjects like this can be daunting. Perhaps by watching you with Pumpkin, R has learned a little be about how to parent. In that way you are helping Pumpkin's new sibling.


First mom perspective on some of it. :)

You said:

It's hard to imagine Pumpkin's precious baby sibling, who will surely be like him in many ways, not having a childhood filled with all the good things that every child deserves.

Even in your own words, you said a bit later:

R has never said to us, "I gave up Pumpkin so he could have a better life." She's always said, "I love him, but I couldn't parent him."

Quite frankly, I said the same things. I might have even said something along the lines of "a better life" when I placed the Munchkin. However, after placing, I began to realize that material goods meant little to nothing in the grand scheme of parenting. Especially after our first son arrived (and thus first parented child), I realized how my basis of understanding as to what parenting entailed was completely off base when I was making the decision to place. (Of course, it wasn't helped by my unethical agency who played into those fears, but alas, you can't change what they did or what I did as a result of their coercion.) I had a very, very hard time forgiving myself for not having the magical know-how to see that I could have parented when the Munchkin was born... it hit me like a ton of bricks as I began parenting our son.

In short, your post is very encouraging. Munchkin's Mom went through her own day of mixed emotions when Josh and I announced this latest (planned as well) pregnancy because she and Munchkin's Dad had just decided (though, I use the term loosely as other factors were involved) not to have any more children as well. I think it was a combination of things all rolled into one that she just had to process. That said, she's always been one of my/our biggest emotional supporters and is excited for the arrival of yet ANOTHER brother for the Munchkin. (To total six in all. Eep!)

This comment got long. I just wanted to let you know that your feelings, at least in my experience, are normal and give a little additional perspective to the point of view that your child's first mother might be coming from... placing a child DOES change your perspective on things; not just on adoption but on parenting as well. It's an eye-opener to your own abilities, too.

Best of luck! :)

Krissy Poopyhands

As usual, I admire you. I don't have anything to add or say, except to say that it's all kind of noble and wonderful and sad and sad and sad at the same time.

The person I worry about most is Pumpkin. The only sibling not kept. I wonder how he's going to process that?

You can't do anything to change his situation, only to help him deal with the reprocussions, but my heart hurts to think of it.


I applaud you honest discussion here.

I wanted to say something about your last paragraph. Don't be so hard on yourself that you weren't as passionate before now or not as passionate about ALL struggling mothers and so on. It is only human to be more passionate about what is connected to your own heart strings.

It's not your choice, as you said, and you can't save the whole world. But by caring about the people in your life, that inevitably reaches out and benefits the world around you too.


Oh wow, I can only imagine the feelings and emotions that the news brought to you.
Do you guys have in person visits with this first mom, or does she live far away?
Thanks for sharing the news with us. I think we can certainly learn a lot from each other.

Heidi - happy mom

I am so glad that I found your blog! you remind me of all the things that I need to share on my adoption blog. Also I think it is bold and wonderful that you are honest here, and I feel your struggle, and compasion. You are amazing.


I have always liked reading your blog Amanda. I've said it before - you have such a way with words and articulate your feelings well.

I don't have anything to add, but I certainly understand where you are coming from and all the feelings you've written about, they are very valid.

One commenter said "The person I worry about most is Pumpkin. The only sibling not kept. I wonder how he's going to process that?" This is something I worry about too, as do a lot of adoptive parents with children that have "kept siblings" I suspect.

It does cause my heart to flutter just a bit when I think about the question most likely to be asked down the road - why didn't she keep me too?

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