Siblings in Adoption: Not Theoretical Anymore

Well, Pumpkin's first mom is having a baby in a few months!

Talking about our experience as an adoptive family has been a big part of this blog, so I feel like I have to write about this, though it would be a lot easier not to say anthing.  Just leave it out, like we all leave some real-life important stuff out of view of the whole wide world.  I'm not sure exactly what I want to say, so I'll just tell you all how I felt before, how I feel now, what we believe, and how we choose to respond.  Please let me know if I need to be set straight on anything, or if I'm not making sense. 

(My disclaimers ahead of time are that I'm speaking only for myself, not entirely for Beloved, and certainly not for R.  I'm not going to share anything here that I have not or would not talk to R about personally.  I'm also very aware that I only know what R tells me, the actual words that she says, but I don't truly know how she feels now or how she will feel in the future.)

Sort of unfortunately for me, my emotional response to learning about R's pregnancy was kind of wrapped up together with my emotional response to deciding not to have any more kids.  At the time R told us she was having a baby, I was still kind of "settling in" to our decision, not sure exactly how I'd end up feeling about it.  We always knew it was very likely that R would have more children some day.  I should not have been surprised, but I was.

What I actually said was, "Wow!  That is exciting news!  How are you doing?"  It wasn't until after I hung up the phone that I felt some anger or frustration or whatever it was.  I think I was mostly feeling disappointed that I'm not going to have any more babies, and she is!

Now I'm mostly over feeling upset about it.  To be honest, I have had some times of thinking, "She doesn't have a good support system!  She doesn't realize how hard this is going to be!  She'll quit her classes!  She can't do it!"  It's hard to imagine Pumpkin's precious baby sibling, who will surely be like him in many ways, not having a childhood filled with all the good things that every child deserves.

But the thing is, I know R loves Pumpkin and this baby.  I know it.  That's not nearly everything it takes to be a good parent, but it is a start.  I believe she is capable of being a good mom, if only the rest of her life will allow her the chance to actually do the other things it takes to be a good mom.

R has never said to us, "I gave up Pumpkin so he could have a better life."  She's always said, "I love him, but I couldn't parent him."  I think there's a big difference, don't you?  Conveniently for me, I guess, I agreed with her on that assessment.  It was hard for her to place Pumpkin. (Though as far as we can tell, she was not coerced or threatened.  And we did not pressure her-- she relinquished her parental rights before we even knew Pumpkin existed).  She doesn't want to do that again.  And this time, I think she feels like she does have a choice, and maybe, possibly, probably she really can parent. 

I was feeling upset about my lack of control, knowing that in some areas I would make different choices than she will, both as a woman and as a mom. 

But it's not my choice!  And as frustrating as that was at first, it's actually become kind of a comfort.  Even if there existed some objective measure of parenting, and R scored "Adequate" while Beloved and I scored "Excellent"...  It wouldn't matter, because it's not my choice, not my child.  Even if there was a way to see Pumpkin and his sibling as adults and measure who is more successful, or happy, or educated, or who has the best memories of his childhood...  It wouldn't matter, because it's not my choice, not my child.

Not my choice!  Not my choice!  Not my choice!

So, we choose to be as encouraging and supportive as we can.  At least I'll know what to send her as gifts now: the usual photos, children's books, Target gift cards, children's books, kid clothes, and also children's books!

Here's the part about our faith, too.  We trust that God is good, and that He wants the best for R, Pumpkin, and this coming baby.  I do not believe that it is somehow God's will, His best possible plan, for children to be relinquished, for families to be separated, for the wealthy to raise the children of the poor, for women to struggle raising children on their own (if that's not what they have chosen), or for children to grow up without intact families, access to education and health care.  But!  God is still good!  I hesitate even to mention faith and adoption together in the same paragraph because a distorted picture of "God's will" has so often been used to gloss over social and personal injustice in adoption.  But it's part of how I've processed everything, and it's important to us.

So once again, we're in new territory.  We're thinking now about how best to encourage R, and I'd like to talk about that sometime.  I wonder why now that she's having a child, I suddenly feel a passion for her well-being that I didn't feel before.  Shouldn't I have been this anxious to find the best way to support her before?  (Not that we didn't support her, but we didn't put in this much energy and effort.)  Shouldn't I be just as passionate about caring for all potentially struggling moms?  Somehow the fact of a child, my sweet Pumpkin's brother or sister, makes everything seem more real, and more urgent.

Comments

[Heather.PNR]

Well said. Thank you for your honesty. I could relate to a great deal of what you wrote, even though any biological siblings of our son are theoretical at this point.

[Laundry & Children]

You are amazing! Just sorting through one's feelings when it comes to touchy subjects like this can be daunting. Perhaps by watching you with Pumpkin, R has learned a little be about how to parent. In that way you are helping Pumpkin's new sibling.

[Jenna]

First mom perspective on some of it. :)

You said:

It's hard to imagine Pumpkin's precious baby sibling, who will surely be like him in many ways, not having a childhood filled with all the good things that every child deserves.

Even in your own words, you said a bit later:

R has never said to us, "I gave up Pumpkin so he could have a better life." She's always said, "I love him, but I couldn't parent him."

Quite frankly, I said the same things. I might have even said something along the lines of "a better life" when I placed the Munchkin. However, after placing, I began to realize that material goods meant little to nothing in the grand scheme of parenting. Especially after our first son arrived (and thus first parented child), I realized how my basis of understanding as to what parenting entailed was completely off base when I was making the decision to place. (Of course, it wasn't helped by my unethical agency who played into those fears, but alas, you can't change what they did or what I did as a result of their coercion.) I had a very, very hard time forgiving myself for not having the magical know-how to see that I could have parented when the Munchkin was born... it hit me like a ton of bricks as I began parenting our son.

In short, your post is very encouraging. Munchkin's Mom went through her own day of mixed emotions when Josh and I announced this latest (planned as well) pregnancy because she and Munchkin's Dad had just decided (though, I use the term loosely as other factors were involved) not to have any more children as well. I think it was a combination of things all rolled into one that she just had to process. That said, she's always been one of my/our biggest emotional supporters and is excited for the arrival of yet ANOTHER brother for the Munchkin. (To total six in all. Eep!)

This comment got long. I just wanted to let you know that your feelings, at least in my experience, are normal and give a little additional perspective to the point of view that your child's first mother might be coming from... placing a child DOES change your perspective on things; not just on adoption but on parenting as well. It's an eye-opener to your own abilities, too.

Best of luck! :)

[Krissy Poopyhands]

As usual, I admire you. I don't have anything to add or say, except to say that it's all kind of noble and wonderful and sad and sad and sad at the same time.

The person I worry about most is Pumpkin. The only sibling not kept. I wonder how he's going to process that?

You can't do anything to change his situation, only to help him deal with the reprocussions, but my heart hurts to think of it.

[beagle]

I applaud you honest discussion here.

I wanted to say something about your last paragraph. Don't be so hard on yourself that you weren't as passionate before now or not as passionate about ALL struggling mothers and so on. It is only human to be more passionate about what is connected to your own heart strings.

It's not your choice, as you said, and you can't save the whole world. But by caring about the people in your life, that inevitably reaches out and benefits the world around you too.

[louise]

Oh wow, I can only imagine the feelings and emotions that the news brought to you.
Do you guys have in person visits with this first mom, or does she live far away?
Thanks for sharing the news with us. I think we can certainly learn a lot from each other.

[Heidi - happy mom]

I am so glad that I found your blog! you remind me of all the things that I need to share on my adoption blog. Also I think it is bold and wonderful that you are honest here, and I feel your struggle, and compasion. You are amazing.

[Leigh]

I have always liked reading your blog Amanda. I've said it before - you have such a way with words and articulate your feelings well.

I don't have anything to add, but I certainly understand where you are coming from and all the feelings you've written about, they are very valid.

One commenter said "The person I worry about most is Pumpkin. The only sibling not kept. I wonder how he's going to process that?" This is something I worry about too, as do a lot of adoptive parents with children that have "kept siblings" I suspect.

It does cause my heart to flutter just a bit when I think about the question most likely to be asked down the road - why didn't she keep me too?