Siblings in Adoption

This isn't really an Adoption FAQ, but it's something I think about a lot, so I'm going to blog about it.

Most children who are adopted either already have or eventually will have genetic siblings. 

One of my kids has siblings who are being raised by their (original and only) mom.  This isn't secret information, by any means, and my sons both know that there are "brothers" in another family.  They just accept it, at this point, without question. 

I wonder, though, how I will explain why she could raise those children, but couldn't raise my son.  I worry that he will feel less than acceptable, that he was "given away" because of some fault of his own, that he was not as lovable.

I'm trying not to talk about it in a way that implies that she unquestionably made the right or wrong decision. Hopefully, he'll be able to think about his relinquishment and his first family and decide on his own what his opinions are.  And I fully expect that his opinions will change over time.

So that part is all about my kids and their first families...  Here's the part that's all about me (me, me, me!):

I'm happy that my son's first mom is able to raise her children.  Really, very very happy.  But...  It really freaks me out to think of any of my son's siblings being raised by another adoptive family.  I don't have any indication that this is currently the case, or that it is likely to happen, yet I worry about it.  If for whatever reason, any of my son's first parents found themselves in a situation of needing someone else to parent one of their children...  I would move heaven and earth to either help them parent or to parent that child myself.

Of course, those decisions (should the situation ever occur) are not mine to make.

And then there is the "Possible Third Child" question.  If you've been around here for a while you may remember that Beloved and I put off that decision, and decided to re-open discussion sometime late this spring.  (Links to those posts here and here.)  Which, you may have noticed, is coming up.  And causing some anxiety on my part.  Which I may blog about later, but my brain is too scattered to write about at this point. 

Part of me is feeling really cautious about planning for a third kiddo.  (Third Child would very likely be our last.)  Though I know it doesn't really make sense, I want to make sure that if we need to, we can make room in our family for one of the boy's siblings.  It's so, so silly.  It makes it sound like their first moms are unpredictable or irresponsible, and I'm just waiting for them to "mess up," which is totally not the case. 

It's just my own anxiety.  I'm trying to get over it, but I'm not quite there yet.

Comments

[Brian (dad to 3)]

Having had to make the decision on whether to adopt your child's sibling:
http://onthefly.wordpress.com/2006/10/19/insta-family-1/
I have to say that it's not easy. The hardest part is that, unlike a "normal" adoption, it occurs when you're not planning for another child.

In the end, it came down to basically what you said. If we didn't adopt her, some other family would, and we might regret it. Even with the sacrifices, there's no way we're going to regret taking her.

Here's more info on our decision to adopt her (jump to "Going from 2 to 3") since that first link has more details but less feeling.
http://onthefly.wordpress.com/2006/11/28/are-we-done-yet/

[Leigh]

I've often wondered how we would answer if we were asked to adopt a sibling of Cody. It's never happened, but I just imagine how hard it would be to say no.

I worry about the sibling issue and the dreaded question of why he wasn't kept. I'm thankful we do have some answers from her, but I fear his feelings will still be hurt and he won't understand.

[Melissa]

Ok, good to know I'm not the only person to worry about this stuff. Our son's first mom has two daughters (older). On the one hand, I want him to know about them. But on the other hand, I have the same concern about him wondering why she could raise them, but not him.

Adopting siblings is not a likely scenario in our case, so not something we've really thought about. But if it did come up, we would definately want them raised together. Life is just unpredictable, isn't it.

[Shannon]

Oh geez! Believe me, I totally understand! I worry about this all the time.
And in the case of Nat, it's a real possibility and a commitment we made to her mother when she asked us if we would.

[Erin O']

We've been thinking about this possibility, too -- Brian's situation is one that has so far mirrored our own -- What if, as in his family's case, one of our sons's siblings becomes available for adoption? Brian's reasoning seems natural to me, and my gut says we would do the same thing.

Ahhh!!

e

[Melanie]

Well, in our case the siblings we are adopting have an older brother who is being adopted into another family. We were given the chance to adopt him also, but knew there was another family willing to if we didn't. I wonder how this will all work out. He will only be a few states away so we will visit regularly. I HOPE we made the right decision. We are talking about 3 older siblings and I know that the most important thing is that they get out of the orphanage as soon as possible and come home to loving families. I have heard of siblings living several years in orphanages before being placed. In the case of our younger son, I wonder about this all the time...

[bek]

No, not waiting for them to mess up, but since they are family now, you know that if they asked that of you again, you would do it...because you are family. I know how you feel.

My son's mom asked us to adopt another one of her children. She was able to parent him in the end, but we would have taken him, no question. We still would. It is something to think about....

I also wonder how J will feel about what happened. He is the middle child. She is parenting three older and three younger than him. I worry about that too.

[cloudscome]

I think about this a lot too. One of my boys has older biological brothers being raised by his first parents (together as far as I know) and I wonder if the other son has younger siblings I don't know about. I wish my boys knew them and I hope they will someday. Buddy asks me for a sister all the time. At this point I sometimes think I'd like another child but most of the time the thought overwhelms me. I made a promise to myself that I would not consider another child unless I forgot what it meant to be really really tired. LOL will that day ever come?

[Heather]

I definately can relate!! And here again is YET ANOTHER striking similarity between us... Braydon and I, too, have been struggling with the question of a possible third child... and... we, too, made the decision to put off the decision until this spring/summer. And yes, now it is coming upon us waaaaaaay too quickly! I think if I remember right that you went straight for adoption (and didn't try to get pregnant first)... us too. So, part of our decision is whether -- if we are to have a third child -- we'd try to go for a bio. child or another adoption. Sometimes I just can't get over how similar our scenarios are to one another!!!! Heather