Adoption FAQ: Talking About First Parents

Long ago, I told you I was hoping to discuss how we talk about our children's first parents to others. (Here is a link to that post.)  I've been kind of stalling on that, because I'm not sure how to talk about it without sharing too much private information.

I think I'll just go for it, write whatever, be it short or long, cohesive or scattered, and see what happens...

So the major stereotypes about first mothers are that they are all young, poor, and single.  At least, from my perspective, that's what I hear most.  Some other assumptions are that first mothers are first-time moms (adopted children resulted from mom's first pregnancy, and women never place a child if they are already parenting), they are drug users, they are irresponsible, they are uneducated, they have bipolar disorder or ADHD or some other condition (the idea is that the disorder makes them too impulsive and that's why they had an unplanned pregnancy, or else the disorder is what makes them incapable of parenting), and that they do not have an ongoing relationship with the father of the child they place.

Without sharing specifics about the first parents of our kids, I'll just say with confidence that these assumptions are not valid.  Life was not going perfectly for either of our children's first moms at the time they chose to place their sons.  But both of them are physically and mentally healthy, sober (and not sober as in recovering from addiction, but completely-clean-never-used-anything-what-does-a-bong-look-like-anyway sober), responsible, intelligent, and admirable women.

The ways we talk about their first families with the boys are different than the ways to talk to other people, of course.

But when we are asked about their first moms, we speak positively about them, their accomplishments and their families, and not just in a "she's-so-noble-she-gave-us-her-baby" way. 

Here is something I'd like input on, however.  I'm happy to dispell whatever negative stereotype another person holds, within the bounds of my child's privacy.  But sometimes I've wondered how to do that--how to point out the many ways the stereotypes are incorrect-- without sounding like I'm saying, "Oh, but my boys didn't come from any of that nasty stuff.  We got some good ones.  No drugs or anything!" 

Does that make sense?  I want talk about my children's first parents and about ALL first parents in a way that is respectful.  (Not because I'm a goody two shoes adoptive parent, but for the selfish reason that I believe the stereotypes are directly harmful to my own children.)  I want to make the point that the stereotypes are misleading, not just that my boys or their first parents are exceptions to the rule. 

For example, when someone says, "Your kids are adopted?  My sister adopted a little Black baby.  He was a crack baby, you know, so we thought he would be really delayed.  But he's perfectly fine!  And so cute!  It's so sad how those women care more about drugs than about their babies."

What's the best way to respond? 

(Aside from addressing the crack baby myth, which is too much to tackle.)

I need a stock answer that is short, polite, clear, and communicates that assuming the worst of first parents does both adopted children and first parents a disservice.  Suggestions?

This post turned out to be long and scattered, so thanks for hanging in there.  I also realized I have not addressed maintaining privacy in adoption without making first families or adoption seem like a big, scary secret.  Perhaps there will be a Part 3.  Yikes.

Comments

[Brian (dad to 3)]

The problem with stereotypes isn't that they are untrue; that's how they became a stereotype. The problem with stereotypes is that they give everyone in that group the same characteristics which isn't the case.

So, I think the key is to point out that this is a stereotype and that not all first mothers are like that. In my opinion, you don't need to go into detail about your kid's first mothers. Just say it with authority and people will know you're speaking from experience.

[Amanda]

Yeah, this is a hard one. I guess just a statement that generalization is bad and not all first moms "fit the mold" would be the best.

That said, stereotypes are *very* resistant to change. So sharing experiences of your first mom would probably allow otehrs to subtype them into a special set of first moms who don't match their preconceived notions.

[Leigh]

I agree with Brian. A general statement would seem to be best.

How does one really make people understand that preconceived notions about our kids are just that - notions. Unless of course we want to go into detail about our kids' first families.

You certainly hit on all the stereotypes, and what I've found is most people of an older generation that are unfamiliar with adoption as it is today believe those things.

[just another mom]

So, if you don't mind my asking, how do you respond to people in public who ask personal questions, about your children, in front of your children? We are in the process of adopting from Haiti and this is our first international adoption ... so I'm sure that as soon as we get our kiddo home, we will start to get comments in public ... I'm looking for how to handle these annoying questions and/or comments.

[DeAnna]

Like Leigh said, normally the stereotypical questions to me come from the older generation. I don't get asked about drugs, but I have gotten asked "Was she really young?" a few times. I don't have too much difficulty responding to that one -- I just say "no." :) But when people ask more in depth questions, I too wonder how to respond - actually I don't get too many questions, its the comments that bother me. I hate when people say things about how its great that their birthmother chose to give them up (in so many words though)-- the way many of them say it makes it sound horrible to my little girls, as if it was something easy and that their birthmothers didn't want them. I know that for the rest of my life, I will probably be getting out to the car and having to reassure my girls or explaining things to them because I will worry that comments will affect them (of course now they are only 3 and 1, so as long as the strangers answer Isabella's question of "What's your name?" and "Do you have stickers?", she's OK :) I normally just try to say something like "Both of their birthmothers are wonderful, precious women who love them very much." Then I try to leave or change the subject before I get totally irritated. :) I don't quite understand how perfect strangers feel like they have a right to nose into your lives though. I love to share that my girls are adopted because I want them to know about it and I want them to know how blessed we feel to have them both. I know it becomes their story, but I'm sure we will always get asked "Are they adopted?" And I'm always going to be excited when I respond Yes, but then why someone feels like they can dig deeper is beyond me. I agree with Brian, I guess we can all give a general statement and try to somehow help people get rid of stereotypes. I think even if we share things about our kids' birthparents, that people would go away with their stereotypes in their mind and saying "Wow, they were lucky." So a general statement might be better in the long run for both parties.

[rebecca]

This is tricky because we are in a position to teach (but have to decide if we want to take the time/energy to do so EVERY time we are asked a question)...

I got really good advice from a mother of 10 (7 adopted) kids. She said the only thing that really mattered was what our children heard us saying in answer to these questions. They needed to hear SOME response of else we teach them that the question isn't to be talked about. They need to hear us be respectful and kind to the person we are speaking to so they will model that behaviour in the future when they are asked the questions. Mostly they need to hear us reinforce in public what we tell them in private...that they were loved and that they were wanted and that their moms are special and important and that we love and respect them (and frankly, some of the moms do fit into that stereotype, but we love and respect those moms too).

That really resonated with me and it helped to put the questions in perpective...

I hadn't checked in a while and you had a ton of great posts!! Welcome back.