A Different Subject Before Part 2

Before we even met Sparkle, we planned to travel to South Africa when he was four, again when he was ten or so, and again when he was a teenager.  Making that committment to ourselves and to Sparkle ahead of time has been important to us.  We have been saving a bit each month in our "South Africa Travel Fund" since he was a baby.  If we didn't plan and deliberately save for the trip(s), we were afraid we would put it off and it may not happen at all. 

We want the first trip to be just a really fun vacation for a kid.  No big cultural tours, no expectation that he will soak up South African traditions, no pressure to learn Tswana or anything. 

We want the trip just to leave him with a positive impression that South Africa is fun, and that it's special and cool that he was born there and his first family lives there.  Maybe we'd like him (and Pumpkin, too, of course) to learn some things like which animals live in various parts of South Africa, which ocean is nearest, and maybe be able to recognize Ndebele art.  Easy, fun kid stuff.

The only other important goal we have for the trip is to meet Sparkle's first mom again.  We don't have any contact with her now, but I think we could probably find her if we tried.  We are a little worried that the longer we wait, the harder it will be to find her.  We also would like Sparkle to see her again when he's little enough not to be too nervous or uncomfortable.

We were planning to go next spring, when Sparkle turns four.  But our plans changed after our trip to Minnesota last summer.  We were only gone for about ten days, and the time change was only two hours.  But the time change was hard, the unfamiliar environment was hard, napping was hard, and the odd schedule was hard.  By the end of the vacation, it was clearly time to go home.  Sparkle is usually a very busy, but generally well-behaved kid.  However, by the end of the trip he was melting down in tantrums several times a day, anxious, and cranky all the time.  This boy loves his routine.  He loves excitement, too, but without a predictable schedule he really struggles after a while.

After considering for several months, we decided to postpone our visit to South Africa for six to twelve months to allow Sparkle to mature a bit. 

So, anyway...

Last week we got a letter from Pumpkin's first mom, R.  We talked about it, of course, and I told the boys, "R says to tell you that she loves you, Pumpkin.  And Sparkle, she says she wants you to look after your little brother."

After we talked a while, Sparkle asked, "What did Auntie Karen say to me?" (Auntie Karen is the lady who was his foster mom at the baby house.) 

We have never had any letters from Auntie Karen or L.

When I told Sparkle, "Honey, this letter is from R.  She's Pumpkin's first mom, and she lives in BigCity.  Auntie Karen lives in South Africa, and this letter isn't from her," his little face was so disappointed. 

Sparkle knows that R is special to our family, and especially to Pumpkin.  He's old enough to be a little jealous that Pumpkin gets letters from R, but he doesn't get letters from L or Auntie Karen.

We have one mostly open adoption, and one mostly closed adoption.  I expected that this might be hard for one or both boys at different times.  I have not tried to make it seem "fair," because it's not fair.  Their first families are just different and their relationships with the boys are just going to be different, and that's really okay.

And I am getting to my point...  (Thanks for hanging in there...)

Sparkle seems to be more consciously desiring to know his first family better lately. 

So should we take him to South Africa when he's four to hopefully satisfy this desire somewhat, even though we are not sure he can handle the travel itself?  Should we put off the trip until he's a bit more mature, but make him wait for more concrete answers to questions he's starting to have?

I'm certainly open to advice here...  Have you traveled a long way with a younger child?  Have you met first parents or anyone else important to a child's pre-adoption life?  If you are an adoptive family, do you have plans to travel with your child to his/her place of birth?

Comments

[Leigh]

I wish I had some answers to contribute, but we have no real contact besides letters with Cody's family. I think as he gets older, and he can understand it better, it could possibly be more meaningful. I don't know, that's just my sense of things.

As far as the travel, kids love their routines, and if Cody is out of his, dang, he doesn't do well, which means we don't do well either.

[Erin O']

Would it be possible to find L or Sparkle's foster mother through the agency by letter-writing, first (or maybe you've already done that).

We don't have kids yet, but I do know from friends that international travel and routine disruption is tough on young ones. It might become a distraction from the intended purpose of the trip -- experiencing and learning about his birth culture.

However, others might have a different take and experience.

e

[bek]

We have traveled to England with our kids and now have a rule that if we aren't staying for at least two weeks (or 10 days) forget it. They need at least 4 days to get the jet lag/sleep thing down and we end up just laying low during the day and watching videos at night (when they wake up at 3:00 am...). After that we can have a good time (but we still need to keep the nap schedule up...).

It is hard to go that far away w/ little ones. 4 is a strange age. They are old enough to know things, but he really won't remember. My six year old, at age 4, could remember the preschool she attended at age two, remember the time she got stitches at three, etc. Now, she doesn't remember any of it. She doesn't remember meeting Jacob's first family (she was 4.5).... something happens around age 5 that is kind of magical. They really transition to a big kid. They also forget a lot of little kid stuff. I have other friends who had similar experiences with their kids.

So, no advice beyond that the travel will be a bit easier for him if you wait (but harder for the little one) and he will "remember" it more....

Tough call. I love that the first trip will just be fun. Both boys would be the perfect age to go on a safari. They would LOVE that.....

[sixletmama]

We recently took Ry to Haiti to meet his new sisters. He is 8 years old. He did very well on the trip. I think our 6 year old would even do OK on an international trip, if we chose to take him. I am not sure about anyone under the age of 5 or 6. But that is my personal opinion based on my own kids. we have always told our kids we weould take them back to their birth country when they are older. I am thinking in a few years we will all go to VietNam. A year or two after that we will all go to Ethiopia, and then eventually make our way to Haiti. But I would definitely want our youngest kid to be at least 5 years old.

[cloudscome]

I agree, 5 years old is a big change in maturity and long term memory and I would wait for the youngest to reach that to do a long trip. I love how you are planning to do so much fun and introduce SA so young. Maybe you can do a lot of that right at home? Find art,music, literature, kid's websites or movies and people living near you from SA? Other families from SA? Then the trip would have some familiar elements too.

We have two wish-they-were-more-open-but-no-contact-yet adoptions. Some day we might be in the same position of having one first family in contact and one not, so I appreciate your thoughts on how it is for your boys. It's a tough one.

[dawn]

We look forward to returning to Ethiopia. Dawit isn't open to it yet, I think he's still a bit insecure about the permanence of his situation.

We did meet his first father, several times actually. We talk about him often, and I hope Dawit wants to go and reunite with him in the future.

On the travel...that's tough. We didn't bring our 5-yo to Ethiopia, based on her personality. Now, almost a year later, I think she could handle it.