#3

I wrote a whole big post this week about feeling like I might want to parent a daughter.  (It took forever to write.)

And then I got over it.

Do you find that you sometimes need to emotionally obsess over a decision here and there, and when the obsessing is over nothing has really changed, but you are left with a sense of peace about the fact that nothing has changed? 

Yeah, me too.

I have been putting a lot of emotional energy into thinking about our third child.  A few months ago, Beloved and I had a big discussion about when, how, or even if we would have more children.  It was one of those discussions that takes place over several days, with each of us asking the other, "So, what do you think today?  Has anything changed about your opinion or your feelings on this subject since yesterday?"  In the end, we decided not to decide for now.  The Official Decision is to wait until next spring to talk seriously about adding another child.

I am satisfied with our discussion and decision. 

And yet...

I keep thinking about it.  I can't put it out of my head until next spring. 

Sometimes I wonder about maybe being pregnant (if that is even possible).  But I don't have a strong desire to physically bear a child.  And it seems like a silly thing to do just for the heck of it.  You know, just for the sake of the experience. 

And I worry that others (or my own children) may think that Beloved and I were not satisfied with our first two children, and needed to birth a child to feel like our family was complete. 

Plus, I want to adopt again.

And I might kind of like to parent a daughter.  Or at least I'd like to think that if we have another child, there is a possibility of that child being a daughter.

It's not that I don't want another boy, or that I desperately want a girl.  I just don't want to have to choose, and it seems like unless we request a girl, we would choose a boy by default.

Besides, I believe that (though boys are girls are perhaps different in some general ways, and individual children are of course different in a million ways) boy and girl children have the same needs, the same "lovableness," and that parenting a boy or girl is essentially the same in most respects.  My goals as a parent of either a boy or girl would be the same-- to raise a kind, compassionate, courageous, faithful adult.  (An adult who calls home regularly, and always comes home for Christmas, and likes my chocolate chip cookies.  Just kidding.)

So I was ridiculously worried about this for a while.

And then I remembered how the boys came to our family.

Both of our adoptions have worked out perfectly.  Not because Beloved and I planned everything perfectly, or because we had it all together and had all our decisions neatly made.  Not because we were completely prepared (physically or emotionally).  Not because of anything we did or didn't do.

This doesn't mean that adoption should be effortless in order to be "right."  And it doesn't mean that during the adoption process we didn't ever feel anxious or overwhelmed or desperate.

But somehow, we ended up with amazing kids whom we adore with all our hearts.

And so I got over the whole "How-will-we-know-what-to-do?-Is-it-a-boy?-Is-it-a-girl?" thing.

If we have a third child and she's a girl, then Hooray!  And if he's a boy, then Hooray again! 

So I'll wait, with great hope and expectation, but mostly just with patience.

My job right now is just to wait patiently... 

Comments

[Leigh]

Wow, sounds like you are really analyzing this decision carefully, and that's a good thing.

I deal with a good deal of guilt when I think I'd like to have a little girl someday, and then I think hmm. . . how does that look? requesting a certain sex child. And then I think little back boys are the hardest to place, so by requsting a girl, I'm contributing to the problem of black males not finding homes. .

[baggage]

I am going through some similiar thoughts myself. Thank you for this.

[Erin]

Oh yes. We've been going through the same thing.

A third? If yes, then when? If yes, then boy/girl? Do we specify? Do we let it happen?

[DeAnna]

I have to say that I feel I am in the "easier" spot for this. Amelia is only 5 months old so we aren't thinking of adopting soon (nor could we even afford to think about it right now) but we definitely would like to adopt again. With both of our girls, we didn't specify the sex of the child. Isabella's birthmother delivered Isabella and then went through a stack of profiles and picked us (just the thought of that is overwhelming to me). With Amelia, we had gone through a big adoption fraud/scam, then started working with another agency, were told about her birthmother and that she was having a boy for about a 1/2 a day then were told that they were wrong, she was having a girl. It really didn't matter to us either way, and of course I wouldn't change my girls for anything. On a more simpler note it did make things easier - because with the money we had lost from the scam, we didn't have to go buy any new clothes or redecorate the nursery, etc. :) BUT, I know that it would be fun to have a boy and I'm sure my husband would love that so I wonder if next time we will specify. In one way, I never wanted to specify because I want God to bring us the exact child He has for us - but then I also know that I've read that more people are waiting for girls in adoption than boys, so should we specify a boy because of that or are we then taking things into our own hands?? My husband says we are going to specify, because he's not sure if he can handle being totally outnumbered and then fighting off boyfriends, paying for weddings ... :) He tries to be tough, but he's such a sucker for his 2 girls. Nobody realizes how complicating adoption can be - I had someone tell me, "well at least you can pick a boy next time" (to which we now have a second girl)
she was bitter because she had wanted a girl with her second child-- Oh yes, I forgot how easy infertility was because now I can "pick" the sex of my child, and lets not talk about how insurance pays for the birth of your children, but I'm taking out a home equity loan to pay for mine..... I guess I have a couple years to even think about this. - And I say with the way you are really looking at things, if you truly decide to specify for a daughter, don't feel guilty because there are little girls that need wonderful parents like you. And who knows, if you specify a girl, you still might get a call about a little boy that was meant to be yours. In the end we will have the children that are meant to be ours and whom we totally adore. (Sorry for such a long post, I guess I'm a little chatty today. :)