Adopting Boys

It bothers me when prospective adoptive parents say they only want to adopt a girl. 

Every family needs to decide what is right for them, etc, etc...  But it is painful for me to imagine that another parent could see my kids and think, "Well, those boys are fine for someone else.  But they aren't what I want.  I want a girl.  In fact, if I had been referred those very boys, I would reject that referral to wait for a girl." 

(Thank God these boys are mine!  Mine, mine, mine!)

I'm thinking about this again because apparently China recently referred some boys to families who were expecting girls, and some of those referrals were rejected.

In a response to someone's post about it, a commenter said, "I requested a girl because as a feminist I felt better prepared to raise a daughter."  Does this seem... odd? crazy? to anyone else?  As a "feminist" (and I'm never quite sure what people mean by that lately), what qualities would I want to instill in my daughter?  Compassion, kindness, committment to social justice, faith, courage, integrity, assertiveness, confidence.  Are these not the qualities and character traits I would hope in cultivate in a son as well?  Saying that you want a daughter because you are a feminist seems pretty silly.

When we started planning our family, I wanted a girl as well.  As I've written before, the desire for a daughter was mostly a casual "wanting," just something I had pictured, but not something I was committed to pursuing.  Why do adoptive parents want girls?  And why do they want girls so badly that they would reject a potential son? 

I have two theories.  Wanna hear 'em?  OK...

1) Most potential adoptive parents are single women or heterosexual couples.  Often it is women who initiate the adoption process.  Women have been sisters and daughters (duh).  They have first-hand experience with the sister/sister, father/daughter, mother/daughter relationship.  So they picture re-creating the good parts of those relationships in their own familes, and all those relationships that they know so well involve daughters and sisters.  More often they have not been as emotionally involved in a son/mother or son/father or brother/brother family relationship, and perhaps they don't realize that those relationships are just as close and just as amazing in their own way.  So when the vision of their family starts to form in their heads and hearts, a daughter just sort of *appears* there.

Maybe I'm way off with this theory.  What do you think?

2) Racial stereotypes are more "favorable" toward not-white females than not-white males.  Asian girls and women are quiet, small, exotic, smart.  Asian boys and men are smart, polite, not as athletic, passive, short, sexless.  Black women are assertive, sexy, enthusiastic, good cooks.  Black men are criminals, poor fathers, unintelligent, unreliable.  (You understand, obviously, that I'm not in any way saying that these stereotypes are correct or OK.)

So maybe, unconsciously (I hope), white prospective adoptive parents feel like it is more acceptable to add an Asian or Black girl to their family than an Asian or Black boy. 

Again, what do you think?

Comments

[klorentzon]

Hi, stumbled across your page when doing research about adopting from South Africa! How interesting to read of your adventures, etc! My husband and I (he's Swedish, I'm American--we live in Sweden) have recently made the decision to pursue adoption of a boy from South Africa! We are excited!

[el-e-e]

Not that I have any adopting experience, but I think you're spot on. I had "girl" thoughts while I was pregnant, and it's precisely because I am, in fact, a girl. :) We just "know" girl things. (of course, now that I have a boy, I wouldn't have it any other way!!) And yes, that "I'm feminist so I want a girl" comment was rather inane.

[Leigh]

Wow, very perceptive thoughts here, especially no. 2 about stereotyping. We've encountered those things many times.

Anyway, I think if I was a single woman adopting, I too would want a girl, mainly because I feel like boys benefit from long-term positive male role models. However, if a boy was offered, I would never reject a child based on his sex. As far as the feminist rationale for turning down a child, I can't make heads or tails of that.

For me, it was a little different. When we adopted, I was hoping for a boy, I really wanted a son, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to request something like that, nor would I. If we adopt again, I think I'd like to have another son, but I would never request a boy be placed with us. Growing up, I was closer to my dad and did tom boy kind of things, so maybe there is something to your theory about recreating good parts of those relationships you experienced growing up.

Your post about race and adoption are very insightful. I enjoy reading your site : )

[AmericanFamily]

I think you hit the nail on the head. I also suspect that Americans think Asian men are short/petite. Why this would matter, I don't know, but I have had people mention it in regards to wanting a girl. A is 6 foot tall and I saw lots of tall people in China my age (now that nutrition has improved the average height is increasing).

[Erin]

I totally agree, especially with number two.

It's funny, because once those boys are a part of your life, you can't imagine living without them. Boys are great!

[Sylvie]

I'm not white so I dont know why white people prefer Asian girls and African American girls. I am an adoptive parent though. When we first set out to adopt, I considered requesting a girl. I dont really know why, but for some reason I pictured a daughter. We did not specify sex, and I am glad I didn't. It didnt seem right at the time. Even though we didnt specify sex, I kept feeling we would be matched with a girl. Well needless to say we were matched with our son and reading your post reminded me that I wanted a girl....My goodness if I would have waited around for a girl I would not have the child that was supposed to be mine!
for number 2 again I am thinking, a little girl would be nice, but I could not imagine choosing.... parents who give birth can't choose what the end up having, I shoudlnt either. That's just me.

[sixletmama]

This has long been a topic of controversy in the adoption world. I do think that most adoptions are initiated by the wife, who usually envisions having a daughter. I also believe you are right about the stereotyping and fear of raising a non-White son. I have also heard people say they don't want to have an adopted (non-White) son carry on the family name. This last one has always angered me beyond belief--if you are fine with adopting, shouldn't that encompass *everything* about adoption?! I don't even know what to say about the feminist thing. Yikes.

I feel a little guilty because we are in the process to adopt our 4th daughter. But for me it's not so much the gender as it is Claire having a sister close in age to grow up with.

As the mother of three boys, I do NOT understand why more adoptive families don't give the boys a chance. Boys are terrific and funny and so full of energy. I can't imagine life without them.