Mayhem and Magic: Why South Africa? (or, Why not China?)

When we started to think about having kids, I assumed we would adopt from China.

There is a ton of reading available online about adopting from China. I think I just sort of fell into some of that reading, and I could imagine Beloved and I raising a Chinese daughter well.

Then I started reading other adoption material (and some actual books, not just whatever popped up on Google). I read that most (like, over 70%, I think) potential adoptive parents who have not yet adopted picture themselves with a daughter. There are a bunch of theories about why that is, but it's a really consistent pattern. I also read that more potential adoptive parents who are white seek Asian adoptive children than Black.

I have to say, I was surprised to learn this. And I was surprised that I fit the pattern of a white adoptive parent just sort of gravitating toward adopting an Asian daughter. We are not anarchists, but we like to think of ourselves as different from the pack. (Probably everyone thinks they are different, right?)

Suddenly I was thinking, "Why a daughter? Why Asian?" And I didn't really have great reasons. My sister is Korean, so maybe I was just looking for the familiar? But my brother is African American, so what gives there?

I was surprised by how hard it was to get over my initial desire to adopt from China. I didn't not want to adopt from China, but I wanted to really challenge myself to figure out if this desire came from some deep hidden secret stash of sexism or racism that I wasn't facing.

(Oh, please, please if you have adopted from China don't be offended! I'm just exploring my own motivations, not judging anyone else's.)

Over the next months, I went through this strange phase of picturing myself as a parent. Not just in general, but picturing myself as the parent of specific people, of any race or any age. When I looked at other people's kids, I tried to imagine myself parenting their kids. When I watched teenagers gathering at the mall, I tried to imagine how I would feel if they were my kids. When I stood behind someone in a grocery line, I tried to imagine what it would be like to have that person in our family.

Am I explaining this OK? I probably sound crazy.

And slowly, the picture in my head of my future family didn't seem so... fixed.

(to be continued...)