Adoptive parents, birthparents, and adoptees disagree about whether adoptive parents should “search” for birthparents, seeking information or reunion on the adoptee’s behalf. I understand some of the reasons why people feel as they do about this issue.
We do want to meet L. again, and we will “search.”
We are actively planning a trip to South Africa in 2007. Traveling to Africa is not something our family can do very often. We want to bring Sparkle when he is young enough just to have fun there, without feeling a lot of pressure to “explore his heritage” or even to talk about adoption stuff much. (We plan to go again when he’s 10-12 years old, and again when he’s 16-18 years old.)
We will ask the agency to arrange for us to see L. while we are there, but I am not sure they will agree. If not… well, white-out can’t be that hard to remove, can it? And even if she is not still living there, I am fairly confident that we could find her.
Based on our time with her, we think L. would want us to contact her. We hope Sparkle will later value the opportunity to interact with L. for himself, and not just rely on what we remember about her.
I have some fears related to the decision to search, however. I am afraid that L. may not want any openness (leaving Sparkle to potentially feel “rejected again”). I’m afraid that she profoundly regrets her decision to place Sparkle for adoption. I’m afraid that someone pressured her into her decision. I’m afraid that since she placed Sparkle, she needed something from us (Medical information? Bone marrow? Another child she couldn’t parent? Who knows?), and that we are already too late to make a difference.
If any of these “bad” things happen, I want to deal with it sooner rather than later. If the “good” things happen, then hooray!
Sometimes I wonder if Sparkle will be upset at how we handle potential openness with L. But on the other hand, we make important decisions all the time for our kids. We make the best decision we can with the information we have. Basically, we’re all winging this parenting thing a bit, right?
Anyone? Anyone?
(Silence.)
Darn it, I guess I’m the only one winging it.
wow. i know exactly how you feel. i would do the same thing.
and i love that you know the bmom of your internationally adopted son. that's fantastic.
Posted by: afrindiemum | Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 08:22 AM