Mayhem and Magic

Happy Thoughts!

Here's a happy picture!  Beloved finished building the jungle gym.  The boys have been swinging and sliding and climbing...  It's great!  It took about two minutes before they tried putting other random items down the slide besides their own little bottoms.  (Actual items down the slide:  a truck, a trike, many balls, grass, rocks, drinking glasses, and a banana.)  They've also gone down the slide headfirst, upside down and standing up ("surfing"-- how do they know what surfing looks like?).  No major injuries so far, thank goodness.

I have not called R yet.  I didn't want to call while I was anxious or upset.  And I do feel...  somewhat less anxious and upset.  Still confused. 

The ups and downs of an open adoption relationship are difficult to blog about, by the way.  There are privacy issues for sure, for R and Pumpkin in particular, and our whole family in general.  Would I tell you if for some reason (please, no) Baby A had been removed from R's care?  I'm not sure.  Would I tell you if R just...  I don't know... decided that Baby A was a lot of work and maybe it would be easier to leave her with someone else?  Again, not sure. 

Now, if her daycare fell through and she was left without any acceptable options?  That I would probably share, because then it's not just about our families, but also political and moral issues of justice, wealth, and race.  Those things, I think, need to be exposed and discussed without judgement or shame. 

Have I already stepped over a privacy line that should not be crossed?  If I never again blog about where Baby A is, you might assume the worst of R.

It's easier to talk about the things that are unreservedly positive.  Phone calls and letters and birthday cards from first family...  all good things.  Questioning the care and/or safety of a sibling?  Potentially not good, and much much harder to talk about in a postive way that does not contribute to negative stereotypes about open adoption or first families.

Back to the happy!

Yesterday I was blow drying my hair.  Both the boys like to watch this, and they love when I unexpectedly turn the blow dryer on their feet!  They just giggle and giggle and shriek about it.  Anyway, Pumpkin was watching admiringly, and when I turned off the hair dryer he told me,

"Momma, you look just like Ariel."

High, high praise indeed!

Scripture Memory for Kids

Pre-schoolers have crazy-amazing memories, have you noticed?  They can pick up anything!

I was talking to my mom a while ago about possibly having the boys do an AWANA-type program.  (Do you remember those?  I went to AWANA for years!)  Mom said that if she had it to do over again she would not have put us (my sibs and I) through AWANA, because there was too little flexibility and too much pressure. 

Maybe the programs have been changed since I was in AWANA (20 years ago!), but they were pretty darn conservative back then.  Maybe that was where I learned that in order to be a good Christian you have to vote Republican.  (Just kidding.) (Only kind of.)

Anyway, my mom said something forehead-slappingly obvious which had never occurred to me.  She said, "You know, you could just help them memorize some Bible verses at home."

Doh!

(I'm actually slightly nervous about outing myself as a parent who would like her kids to learn Bible verses from memory.  Though I am pretty darn honest about myself and our family, somtimes as a blogger I avoid being "too" anything-- too judgemental, too opinionated, too religious, too political, too pro or anti adoption, etc, etc, oh give me a break, no one can be all things to everyone! I don't think I'm one of Those Parents, though.  Hang in there with me.)

So, we started with an experimental memory verse:

"Jesus said, 'I am the Beginning and the Ending.' " Revelation 22:13

They had that down in about five minutes.

So every few weeks we've been working on a new verse, practicing and talking about it before bedtime each night.  And, hello?  My kids are doing awesome!  I'm bragging on them just a little, but mostly I think they're just at an age that it comes relatively easily for them. 

The next one had to be:

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Ephesians 6:1

That took maybe two evenings.

We stuck with just those two for a while, then added:

"Do not be afraid, because I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, because I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

They continued to surprise me with how easily and how well they memorized this.

Since then they have also learned:

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son.  Whoever believes in him will not die, but will have everlasting life.  God did not send his son into the world to punish people, but to rescue them." John 3:16-17

and

"Dear Zion, don't give up; the Lord your God is with you.  He is a strong warrior to win the battle.  He will take great delight in you.  He will quiet your fears in his love.  He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:16-17

Pumpkin is fastest to learn them.  Sparkle would be mostly uninterested, I think, except that he wants to do as well as Pumpkin.  Mostly, we just practice saying them together, talk about what they mean, and cheer for ourselves.

Some cool conversations have come out of this, too. 

One night I told Pumpkin (about something totally unrelated), "I'm so proud of you!" and he asked, "Do you take great delight in me?"  (from Zephaniah 3:16-17).  I told him, "YES!  Yes, you are a wonderful boy and I DO take great delight in you!"

We talked about what it meant when God said he would "uphold us with (his) righteous right hand." Sparkle's idea is that it's "just like holding hands" and gave the example of holding his Dad's hand when walking in a parking lot or on a slippery sidewalk. 

Oh, my heart!!

I do want their pictures of God to be like that-- someone whose hand you hold when you need to be kept safe, a hand you can grip tightly when you slip to keep you from falling.

Sparkle's Birthdays

Sparkle ended up having a lovely birthday!  He had several "birthdays," actually, and enjoyed them all.

First, there was the School Birthday:

See the "sun" on the floor with the months arranged like spokes around it?  It's a bit hard to see in this picture, but of course I couldn't post any pictures showing other kids.  I think most Montessori schools do this birthday activity.  The child holds a model of the earth, stands on name of his birthday month, and as the class sings he walks once around the sun, stopping on his birthday month again.  (The song cracks me up: "The earth goes around the sun, tra-la, the earth goes around the sun!  Around and around and around and around!  The earth goes around the sun, tra-la!") Then he shows a picture of himself at one year old, puts one "candle" in the cake, and does it all again.  At the end, they talk about how he's grown, and the teacher asks him to set a goal for the next year. 

For a very kinetic kiddo like Sparkle, it's a fabulous way to learn.

Then there was the Friends Birthday:

After all our discussion of what to do and how, we ended up doing the easiest thing ever.  We rented a "bounce arena" for 90 minutes.  We invited mostly church and work friends, and there were about 25 people total including parents.  The kids ran and bounced and yelled, and I was worry-free because it was not my house and minimal preparation was required.  (That's Beloved over there, bouncing with Pumpkin.)  Then we all had pizza and cake.

Sparkle did open presents at his party!!  I know!  After all my whining! 

We did practice gift-opening manners the day before the party.  I grabbed a blank card and some random small toys.  I wrapped each item in a plastic bag and Sparkle opened them.  He practiced looking at the card first, saying the name of the giver, opening the gift, and saying "Thank you!" clearly while making eye contact with the giver.  (No hurried, half-hearted, mumbled thank yous while rushing to the next gift!)  I even grabbed a couple of silly things, like a pair of Pumpkin's socks off the floor, for him to pretend to unwrap, so he could practice saying thank you no matter what the gift was!  He and Pumpkin both thought the dirty socks were pretty funny as a pretend gift!

(Just because we decided to let him open gifts at the party doesn't mean I was gonna get all relaxed or easy-going about it!  I must create stress, even when there is none!)

Finally, we had the Family Birthday:

I was much less...  obsessive picky...  about the gift-opening manners. 

I told him he could choose what we had for his birthday dinner and he wanted fruit slush.  Anything else?  Nope, just fruit slush.  He told me several times that he was only going to eat fruit slush for his birthday dinner, nothing else.  I don't think he believed me when I told him that was fine, and he could have as much fruit slush as he could fit in his belly.  The rest of us had some spaghetti, and I think Sparkle ate a few noodles, but he did chow down on the fruit slush. 

Sparkle helped make his cake, and had fun blowing out the candles.  Those are my headless parents up there in the second picture.

And with three separate birthdays to celebrate, Sparkle is very officially five!

Pumpkin and the Toilet

Blogging feels difficult lately.  How many times can a blogger write, "We're really busy.  Things are fine and the kids are great, but I don't have the time or energy to write about anything, even when things are fabulous."  Hmmm, not that exciting to read, eh? 

Pumpkin is driving me crazy.  He'll be dry all day at school, then come home and wet his pants.  Or (even worse) poop in his pants.  I hate it!  It's really hard for me to not let my frustration show.  Actually, I'm quite sure Pumpkin can see my frustration.  What I'm hoping for is that he doesn't sense anger from me.  Though I have felt anger about it at times.  I've contemplated at what age a child might need some sort of negative consequence for refusing to use the toilet, rather than the promise of rewards for appropriate behavior. 

(Don't worry, there have been no negative consequences.  Yet...  Other than having his poopy Lightning McQueen underwear thrown away, which I think is pretty much just a logical consequence, not punishment.  I cannot wash truly poopy underwear.  The thought of handling it or putting it in my wash machine grosses me out.  It gets thrown away.)

Usually rewards and positive reinforcement work well for Pumpkin.  He's a bit upset about time outs, but he's stubborn enough that they don't bother him much.  In fact, I think most of our discipline issues with Pumpkin (though, honestly, he's mostly an "easy" kid to parent, so there aren't many issues), come from his stubbornness. 

Sparkle is heartbroken when we're upset with him, and his apologies are so genuine.  We can just feel and see how hard Sparkle works to make good decisions and control himself.  It's harder for him, so sometimes it seems "harder" to parent him, but his heart is so soft! 

Pumpkin, on the other hand, is easy-going.  He has a long attention span, he catches on to things easily, and he just naturally follows the lead of teachers and parents fairly easily.  He seems "easier" to parent most of the time.  But...  He'll act upset about being sent to time-out, but his tears are mostly for show.  He can dry his tears in a second.  When time-out is over and a parent comes to have the brief talk with him that happens after every time-out, he's already looking over our shoulders, anxious to get back to playing.  His apologies are very, "I'msorry.Willyouforgiveme?CanIgoplaynow?" and his post-time-out reconciliation hug is brief.

So, in some important ways, he's "harder" to parent.  I very much want him to develop a true desire to be in agreement with us as his parents.  I want to see real repentance, rather than going through the motions of asking for forgiveness.

How did all of this come out of my frustration with toilet training?!

I understand that he wants to be in control of this, and he'll do it when he's ready, on his terms, the stubborn little booger.  How can I convince him that he's READY, it's TIME ALREADY!?

He's not sick or constipated.  He's not afraid of the toilet.  He is physically mature enough.  He is aware of his body and I believe he knows when he needs to go.  He resists reminders and really resists when we actually bring him to bathroom when we can see that he needs to go.  We've tried setting a timer and taking him every 30 minutes, regardless.  We've offered the egg reward every time he goes, and a bigger reward (a new Lightning McQueen figure!) for a full day clean and dry.  Ugh.  Grandma!!  Come back!  We need you!!

Monster Tag

I'm not sure what was going on here, but I think they were playing "Monster Tag," which means Beloved growls and stomps and chases them, screaming, around the house!

Adjustments

Lately I find myself surprised by things that have not happened in my life.  It's not a depression, or really true regret.  I'm just mildly shocked with myself.

I think it has to do with Sparkle turning five years old in just over a month.  Five years is just one year short of 1/3 of the time he will be living in our home. Maybe by the time he's 16 I'll be thinking, "Lordy, how much longer is this crazy person going to be around?  Can we move on, here?" 

But right now I'm stunned by how freaking grown up he is, and wondering how this possibly could have happened.  I'm realizing that we don't have forever to do some of the things I always thought we'd do.

This is kind of a silly example, but I always thought my kids would have pets.  I grew up with three or four animals in our home all the time, in some combination of cats and dogs, with occasional fish and hamsters.  It never occurred to me that we would be a pet-less household, yet that's what we seem to be.  When the boys were babies we didn't have time for an animal, but I thought, "We'll get one when they're a little older."  Well, here they are, a little older, but we don't seem to have any more time, and I still haven't given them a pet.

I can't believe they haven't been in more swimming lessons.  I can't believe we haven't taken them to Glacier National Park.  I can't believe they've both been in daycare at least four days a week since they were babies.  I can't believe we don't have a sandbox (Are they past the age for sandboxes?  Have we completely missed our sandbox opportunity?).  I can't believe they only see their grandparents a few times a year. 

Before the boys somehow grew into these crazy preschoolers, I never would have thought all of those things would still be true by time my kids were this age.

You know, having left this post alone for while and come back to it a few times, I think I'm also just a little stunned that possibilities I was holding for myself for "later" are actually passing. 

It's silly because (hello?) it's impossible to have it all.  Supposedly we can, but really?  Not so much.  Shouldn't I have truly realized that by now? 

And not having it all isn't bad.  I can absolutely be completely happy without having all the education, travel, money, career, time, or experiences I could ever want.  I'm not even going to talk about the three kids/two kids issue, because even I'm tired of hearing myself rambling on about that.  I'm sick of hearing myself think about it in my own crazy brain at this point, frankly.

I love my job, but I can't believe I'm working so much.  I always thought I'd eventually back off my schedule to be home more.  I can't believe how few books I've read in the last year.  I can't believe our family hasn't been on a fun vacation longer than a weekend EVER (other than visits to see family, which kind of count, but not really).  I can't believe I haven't taken any classes outside of my field since I finished school.  I can't believe I stopped running, after running five days a week for forever.

Again, I'm not too upset, just surprised.  Sometimes life just needs to pause briefly while you reassess where you're headed and make some adjustments.  It's normal and healthy.  You all do this, too, right? 

I enjoy my life and my family.  I'd like to make a few changes, but I'm not sure how to adjust without some other important things falling apart.

I'll be working on it...

Noodle Boy

Pumpkin usually does great with school drop-offs, but I think he's protesting a bit now that his dad has been gone for a week.

Montessori schools have some very specific things that kids are supposed to do at drop-off.  The kids must carry their own things and walk on their own two cute little independent feet into the classroom. 

What should you do if your child turns into a noodle in the hallway outside the door?  I do not know.  This was not covered in the parent handbook. 

The first time I just picked him up and carried him over to his locker box.  There was rebuke!  I was rebuked!  "Oh, Pumpkin, are your legs not working today?" said a teacher, smiling at me in a totally, "Do you not know this is a Montessori classroom?" kind of rebuking way.  The next time he turned into a noodle outside the classroom door I left him, limp, on the threshold, determined not to break the rules by carrying him in.  There was rebuke!  I was rebuked again!  "The children must be completely and safely within the classroom!" said the same teacher. 

So...  What's the plan then?  Roll him over a few times until he's an acceptable distance into the room?

Thank goodness Beloved is on his way home today!

My Kids Rock

My kids are so great.

Yeah, lots of parents say this, and maybe I'm a little biased, and braggy moms are annoying.  But, jeepers creepers, mine are fabulous.

The boys and I went to a Superbowl get-together yesterday, and they were awesome.  They had a great time with the other little boy who was there.  They shared.  They played nicely.  They did not distract the adults from their conversations.  They entertained themselves.  Occasionally they came to me with some small crisis ("He's taking all the trains!"), but when I asked them to please work it out, they did.  Sparkle set a good example for the littler boys. 

I was so proud. 

Don't you know a few families that you would really rather not ever have over to your house, because their kids are unpleasant?  I do not think we are one of those families, and I'm so glad.  Small victories, maybe. ("Hey, we're not terrible!") 

I know that good behavior should be the default expectation.  And I know that bad days happen and they are still little ones.

But still, I was proud.  They made me feel like a good mom.  I know it's mostly that they are good kids, and we are a good team.  I can't take all the credit, but it was nice.

Then I yelled at them this morning.

Maybe not really yelled, but I definitely was not completely gentle and kind with them. 

You know Beloved is out of town, so I'm doing all the morning prep, getting the boys to school and then rushing too work.  (I take an hour off every AM and an hour off every PM when Beloved is gone, just to keep our schedule mostly on track, but still, it's just a bit of extra crazy in the morning when Beloved is gone.)  When we had 12 minutes before we had to be out the door, I was still wearing my pajama pants and none of us had brushed our teeth.  As I was trying to get dressed, both of them came running and crying to the bathroom door.  One was hurt ("I'm wounded!" he said), and the other was afraid he was going to be in trouble.  Meanwhile we were down to 11 minutes.  And I interrupted them and almost-yelled, "I can't deal with this right now!  I have to get dressed, BY MYSELF!"  And I closed the door.  And they both were devastated and crushed and horrified by the rejection.  Ack.  I was mad at them and mad at myself and mad at Beloved (for leaving me to deal with this, you know).  After about 20 seconds I opened the door and there were hugs and forgiveness all around.

We did manage to get to school on time, and it happened that they were coming out to the gymnastics bus as I was starting the car to leave.  They didn't know I was watching them.  Sparkle and Pumpkin were near each other in line, and Pumpkin got a little confused about where he was supposed to be going.  Sparkle was totally watching out for him, and ran back a few steps to Pumpkin, and put his arm around Pumpkin's shoulder and showed him where to go. 

Then on the way home at the end of the day, they were totally singing their hearts out and dancing in their car seats to a silly Hippopotamus Rock song.

They just melt my heart with their joy, and their kindness, and their soft, sweet, strong spirits.

   

Macaroni Dog

Well, I'm heading out tonight on work-related travel.  I'm actually excited to go, but missing Beloved and the boys already. 

They have exciting things planned, like playing football (which we do every single day, regardless), eating mac and cheese (and probably McDonald's I'm guessing), and burping a lot (seriously, burping is now the funniest thing ever).

On that last post?  You know, I really have the smartest and kindest blog readers ever. You're awesome.  Thanks.  (If you haven't gone back to read the comments, you should.)

I'd also like to draw your attention to a post by chou-chou, who is adopting from Ethiopia, and whom I admire.  I also find it interesting to consider this post along with another one from Anti-Racist Parent about preparing children to face racism-- or just to be able to handle "jackassery" in general.  You're welcome to continue the discussion and sharing of opinions here (I'd love to hear what you have to say), but consider reading the posts and comments there are well.

And...

What you really came for...

The Macaroni Dog!

Pumpkin discovered Mr. Macaroni Dog in his mac and cheese.  We all exclaimed and laughed...  And then Pumpkin ate him!

Parenting Black Children: What Not to Do?

I just read an interesting article in Adoptive Families.  Please read the article.  I'd like to know what you think.

While we were in the adoption process for Sparkle, I had some thoughts that I'm not proud of now.  I was thinking of how we would instill pride in our South African child, how we would let him know he was special, how we would make it be okay that he was one of a minority of Black kids in our area.  And I admit I had some vague idea that we would talk up South Africa and how his ancestors had never been slaves.  In my head, this would be in the context of helping him identify with African American history, too.  Just, you know, having extra pride in being South African. 

Now I think this is a bad idea.  A BAD idea. 

I absolutely understand the motivation of adoptive parents who might want to use this "But your people were never slaves, your country was never colonized" thing.  Sometimes there are way more negatives than positives about being a transracially adopted kid, or being one of only several kids of color in a classroom, or being the only Black child in a family.  We feel like we need anything, ANYTHING, to make it more tolerable when things are hard.

I understand wanting your son to know the history of his country of origin, and wanting him to be proud of himself and his first family.

But I would like to suggest that making difficult things more tolerable by drawing distinctions among Black people is NOT WORTH IT.

I have two Black children from very different backgrounds.  (Sparkle was born in South Africa, and Pumpkin was born in Indiana.)  For our family, there would be some very direct consequences if I were to lead either of them to believe that any aspect of his "Blackness" was better than his brother's. 

Can you imagine? 

And you know, my kids don't have lots of other South African kids around.  They have some African American friends (both adopted and not adopted), but we still need for our kids to feel connected to other Black adopted kids, to feel a part of that community.  It bothers me to think that kids whose parents take this approach to "building pride" might make my boys feel like they don't belong. 

(So, it's all about my kids and my own selfishness, you see!)  (Except not really.)

I've actually been working on this post for a while, and I keep writing things and then deleting them.  I'm struggling to explain this and it's probably not going to come out exactly right.  And I'm a little nervous to write about unity among people of color when I obviously have no personal experience as a person of color.  Please feel free to tell me if you disagree, or if you can explain it better.  I think it's an important discussion.

Here's what I originally wrote (and please note ahead of time that my thinking has been a little revised):

You cannot say, "Well, we're just expressing pride in the strength of the Ethiopian people when we remind our kids that Ethiopia was never colonized" without at the same time saying (even if you don't say it out loud, even if you say it innocently, even if you don't think your kid will pick up any more subtle meaning), " 'Cause those people in countries that were colonized were weaker."  (Not trying to pick on adoptive parents of Ethiopian kids, here, just using this example since it was in the article.) 

I cannot say to my South African son, "Here is something for you to be proud of:  Your ancestors were never slaves!" without implying "That would be bad if your ancestors had been slaves."

Now, this is not 100% true in every situation.  I absolutely believe it is possible to talk about the history of a country or a people group in an objective way that builds self-knowledge without creating a better than/worse than dynamic.  (And I think the author of the article has a unique situation in that her daughters were eight years old when they were adopted and the author is an adoption professional.)

But.  I think the line between positive confidence and negative, devisive pride is very verrrry fine.