Mayhem and Magic

Six Random Updates

1. The Big Baby Shower was this weekend.  Oh my word...  I was a bit stressed.  The momma is a good friend of mine, and the baby shower was important to her, so I wanted it to be perfect. 

Beloved picked up the flowers and the cakes for me on Saturday morning, and neither was what I ordered!  I was mad.  Then I remembered that my children are not buried under cement rubble, there is a reliable clean water supply directly to my home, and my family is not starving or destitute.  Not getting the cake or flowers I ordered does not actually qualify as a problem in the grand sceme of things.

2. Three weeks ago we started a "Family Money" system.  We're going to start working on the concepts of money, saving, purchasing decisions, working for money, and responsibility. 

Pumpkin, in true Pumpkin form, does not care much at all about Family Money.  He does not care about earning it, though he very much dislikes the consequence of losing it.  Sparkle, also in true Sparkle form, loves the idea of decision-making and saving.  He counts his "money" every night.  He sets his mind on a goal and really does not waver much at all.  Later I'll post more about the system we chose and how it's going so far.  I'd like to get ideas from other parents on how best to make this work!

3. Beloved left today and will be gone most of the week.  Hate this, hate, hate, hate... 

My mother-in-law is coming for a week in June to help me out while he is gone on another work-related trip.  That is a whole 'nother kind of stress.

4. It was 100 degrees outside this weekend.  We set up a little pool and a sprinker in the back yard.  We bought our first watermelon of the year.  The boys ran around the yard in swimming suits, with their bellies all sticky from dripping watermelon juice on themselves.  It really felt like summer.

5. YMCA soccer starts again in a few weeks.  Sparkle will have the same coach and some of the same teammates as last year.  This, of course, is only assuming that I can get him registered in time which will be tricky with our schedule this week.  I'm not sure when I'll actually be able to get to the YMCA office to register.

6.  I talked to R. last week.  She was visiting her old home town and was taking Baby A home with her when she left.  It was not a long conversation, and there was a lot of background noise.  I'm not sure if Baby A is coming with her because the other person didn't want to or couldn't care for her any longer, if R just missed her, if there was a daycare situation that was resolved in R's current location, or what.  I am just relieved that, for now at least, Baby A is with R.  I hope at some point to get more information about why/how Baby A ended up NOT being with R for a while.  I hope that I can ask without being pushy or intrusive or judgemental.

Have a good Monday!

Happy Thoughts!

Here's a happy picture!  Beloved finished building the jungle gym.  The boys have been swinging and sliding and climbing...  It's great!  It took about two minutes before they tried putting other random items down the slide besides their own little bottoms.  (Actual items down the slide:  a truck, a trike, many balls, grass, rocks, drinking glasses, and a banana.)  They've also gone down the slide headfirst, upside down and standing up ("surfing"-- how do they know what surfing looks like?).  No major injuries so far, thank goodness.

I have not called R yet.  I didn't want to call while I was anxious or upset.  And I do feel...  somewhat less anxious and upset.  Still confused. 

The ups and downs of an open adoption relationship are difficult to blog about, by the way.  There are privacy issues for sure, for R and Pumpkin in particular, and our whole family in general.  Would I tell you if for some reason (please, no) Baby A had been removed from R's care?  I'm not sure.  Would I tell you if R just...  I don't know... decided that Baby A was a lot of work and maybe it would be easier to leave her with someone else?  Again, not sure. 

Now, if her daycare fell through and she was left without any acceptable options?  That I would probably share, because then it's not just about our families, but also political and moral issues of justice, wealth, and race.  Those things, I think, need to be exposed and discussed without judgement or shame. 

Have I already stepped over a privacy line that should not be crossed?  If I never again blog about where Baby A is, you might assume the worst of R.

It's easier to talk about the things that are unreservedly positive.  Phone calls and letters and birthday cards from first family...  all good things.  Questioning the care and/or safety of a sibling?  Potentially not good, and much much harder to talk about in a postive way that does not contribute to negative stereotypes about open adoption or first families.

Back to the happy!

Yesterday I was blow drying my hair.  Both the boys like to watch this, and they love when I unexpectedly turn the blow dryer on their feet!  They just giggle and giggle and shriek about it.  Anyway, Pumpkin was watching admiringly, and when I turned off the hair dryer he told me,

"Momma, you look just like Ariel."

High, high praise indeed!

Scripture Memory for Kids

Pre-schoolers have crazy-amazing memories, have you noticed?  They can pick up anything!

I was talking to my mom a while ago about possibly having the boys do an AWANA-type program.  (Do you remember those?  I went to AWANA for years!)  Mom said that if she had it to do over again she would not have put us (my sibs and I) through AWANA, because there was too little flexibility and too much pressure. 

Maybe the programs have been changed since I was in AWANA (20 years ago!), but they were pretty darn conservative back then.  Maybe that was where I learned that in order to be a good Christian you have to vote Republican.  (Just kidding.) (Only kind of.)

Anyway, my mom said something forehead-slappingly obvious which had never occurred to me.  She said, "You know, you could just help them memorize some Bible verses at home."

Doh!

(I'm actually slightly nervous about outing myself as a parent who would like her kids to learn Bible verses from memory.  Though I am pretty darn honest about myself and our family, somtimes as a blogger I avoid being "too" anything-- too judgemental, too opinionated, too religious, too political, too pro or anti adoption, etc, etc, oh give me a break, no one can be all things to everyone! I don't think I'm one of Those Parents, though.  Hang in there with me.)

So, we started with an experimental memory verse:

"Jesus said, 'I am the Beginning and the Ending.' " Revelation 22:13

They had that down in about five minutes.

So every few weeks we've been working on a new verse, practicing and talking about it before bedtime each night.  And, hello?  My kids are doing awesome!  I'm bragging on them just a little, but mostly I think they're just at an age that it comes relatively easily for them. 

The next one had to be:

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Ephesians 6:1

That took maybe two evenings.

We stuck with just those two for a while, then added:

"Do not be afraid, because I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, because I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

They continued to surprise me with how easily and how well they memorized this.

Since then they have also learned:

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son.  Whoever believes in him will not die, but will have everlasting life.  God did not send his son into the world to punish people, but to rescue them." John 3:16-17

and

"Dear Zion, don't give up; the Lord your God is with you.  He is a strong warrior to win the battle.  He will take great delight in you.  He will quiet your fears in his love.  He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:16-17

Pumpkin is fastest to learn them.  Sparkle would be mostly uninterested, I think, except that he wants to do as well as Pumpkin.  Mostly, we just practice saying them together, talk about what they mean, and cheer for ourselves.

Some cool conversations have come out of this, too. 

One night I told Pumpkin (about something totally unrelated), "I'm so proud of you!" and he asked, "Do you take great delight in me?"  (from Zephaniah 3:16-17).  I told him, "YES!  Yes, you are a wonderful boy and I DO take great delight in you!"

We talked about what it meant when God said he would "uphold us with (his) righteous right hand." Sparkle's idea is that it's "just like holding hands" and gave the example of holding his Dad's hand when walking in a parking lot or on a slippery sidewalk. 

Oh, my heart!!

I do want their pictures of God to be like that-- someone whose hand you hold when you need to be kept safe, a hand you can grip tightly when you slip to keep you from falling.

Sparkle's Birthdays

Sparkle ended up having a lovely birthday!  He had several "birthdays," actually, and enjoyed them all.

First, there was the School Birthday:

See the "sun" on the floor with the months arranged like spokes around it?  It's a bit hard to see in this picture, but of course I couldn't post any pictures showing other kids.  I think most Montessori schools do this birthday activity.  The child holds a model of the earth, stands on name of his birthday month, and as the class sings he walks once around the sun, stopping on his birthday month again.  (The song cracks me up: "The earth goes around the sun, tra-la, the earth goes around the sun!  Around and around and around and around!  The earth goes around the sun, tra-la!") Then he shows a picture of himself at one year old, puts one "candle" in the cake, and does it all again.  At the end, they talk about how he's grown, and the teacher asks him to set a goal for the next year. 

For a very kinetic kiddo like Sparkle, it's a fabulous way to learn.

Then there was the Friends Birthday:

After all our discussion of what to do and how, we ended up doing the easiest thing ever.  We rented a "bounce arena" for 90 minutes.  We invited mostly church and work friends, and there were about 25 people total including parents.  The kids ran and bounced and yelled, and I was worry-free because it was not my house and minimal preparation was required.  (That's Beloved over there, bouncing with Pumpkin.)  Then we all had pizza and cake.

Sparkle did open presents at his party!!  I know!  After all my whining! 

We did practice gift-opening manners the day before the party.  I grabbed a blank card and some random small toys.  I wrapped each item in a plastic bag and Sparkle opened them.  He practiced looking at the card first, saying the name of the giver, opening the gift, and saying "Thank you!" clearly while making eye contact with the giver.  (No hurried, half-hearted, mumbled thank yous while rushing to the next gift!)  I even grabbed a couple of silly things, like a pair of Pumpkin's socks off the floor, for him to pretend to unwrap, so he could practice saying thank you no matter what the gift was!  He and Pumpkin both thought the dirty socks were pretty funny as a pretend gift!

(Just because we decided to let him open gifts at the party doesn't mean I was gonna get all relaxed or easy-going about it!  I must create stress, even when there is none!)

Finally, we had the Family Birthday:

I was much less...  obsessive picky...  about the gift-opening manners. 

I told him he could choose what we had for his birthday dinner and he wanted fruit slush.  Anything else?  Nope, just fruit slush.  He told me several times that he was only going to eat fruit slush for his birthday dinner, nothing else.  I don't think he believed me when I told him that was fine, and he could have as much fruit slush as he could fit in his belly.  The rest of us had some spaghetti, and I think Sparkle ate a few noodles, but he did chow down on the fruit slush. 

Sparkle helped make his cake, and had fun blowing out the candles.  Those are my headless parents up there in the second picture.

And with three separate birthdays to celebrate, Sparkle is very officially five!

Being a Conspicuous Family in South Africa?

We're planning our trip to South Africa now, which is very exciting.  Someone else (a travel agent we know in South Africa) is going the nitty-gritty stuff for us, like making reservations at places where we'll stay, getting a car, and that kind of thing.  Nice... 

I've been thinking about what it will be like to be a conspicuous family in South Africa.  When we met Sparkle there, I occasionally felt surprised by reactions we got.  Looking back, I'm not sure if I was surprised by the responses themselves, or just surprised because being conspicuous was new to us. 

And actually, there really were not that many times when anyone seemed to care in the least.  No one congratulated us or thanked us (like I've heard adoptive parents with children from China talk about).  A few (Black) workers in a restaurant were curious about our story and asked us if we really loved Sparkle.  They made mildly disapproving noises about the idea of a mother placing a child for adoption.  Once an older white lady kind of hissed at us when she looked in our stroller and saw that our baby wasn't white.  Very weird. 

But overall, not that many people seemed to notice our family, which was fine with us.  Except that sometimes I could not believe that not every single person wanted to stop and coo over this baby who was clearly the most adorable infant ever.

Here in the U.S., I think we handle being a conspicuous family pretty well.  Mostly, we just...  act like a family.  I don't want to blow off the significance of being aware of surroundings and aware of trying to make sure our kids don't get the spotlight put on them, but sometimes (often, even) what works best is to refuse to be uncomfortable.  We mostly do our thing, expecting to be treated well and not be questioned.  If someone wants to act like our family is odd or whatever, we don't necessarily make it easy for them. 

When someone asks, for example,  "Are they brothers?"  we feel totally okay with giving them a long, confused, blank look...  (long enough for them to feel just a bit uncomfortable)  And then saying, "Yes!"

(Here's another post about that question in particular, from a mini-set of postings in the category Adoption FAQ.)

That's kind of a simplistic summary, but you get the drift. 

I'm not sure if that's how it will work in South Africa.  I'm not sure what to expect.  Here, I don't feel too much obligation to satisfy people's curiosity.  But maybe in South Africa we might need to plan on being "adoption ambassadors" just a bit more?  Maybe we should be more open, knowing that many people in South Africa need to see a positive picture of adoption?  I just don't know.

(Are they brothers?  Are you kidding me?  They're so darn brotherly I can hardly stand it!  I so wish this picture was clearer because I love it!  But it's fun anyway, even if it is blurry.)

Back to Work

Last week was so fun.

The kids had a blast with my parents.  They went swimming, did craft projects, baked, wrestled, played soccer, read a million books...  Every single fun thing that kids do with their grandparents, they did.  Quality time was spent, memories were made, photographs were taken.

My mom and I went furniture shopping, and I bought a chair for the living room.  We rearranged some furniture.  She helped me look at paint samples and start on some other fun home decorating projects.  (I'm kind of terrible at home decorating sometimes.  Certainly I lack confidence at it.  So when my mom is here I almost always recruit her to help me with one or two things.)

Beloved bought a play structure from CostCo, and he's been working hard to get it all put together.  His hands are bruised from pushing down on the drill!  It's not done, but it's getting there.  (And isn't that an oxymoron-- "play structure?"  Weird.)  We're planning to put in a sand box around some (or all?) of the jungle gym ("jungle gym" is better than "play structure", isn't it?), which I know the boys will love.  It makes me happy to anticipate them playing in the sand this summer, and it makes me feel like we're making progress on those things I have felt like we are "behind" on.  (Here's a post about that from a while back.)

I took a few days off last week, and it really felt almost like a vacation.

So...  This week is kind of lousy.  I am working all week (usually I have Fridays off).  Ugh.

The weekend was sunny and warm.  The boys played in a sprinkler in the back yard.  The last few days have been cloudy and raining.  Seems appropriate.

Here's a picture from a sunnier day last weekend!  That's Pumpkin, skipping through the sprinkler.  His swim suit is on backwards, but who cares. 

The second picture is of fearless Sparkle at the pool, about to leap in regardless of depth or adult supervision.  Later he may appear to be drowning, but if you come near him he sputters and bubbles, "Don't help me!"  Then he must be saved, though he will protest that he was just about to stroke gracefully to the side of the pool all on his own.

                                                            

Overheard: Sparkle, at Age 5 Years + 3 Days

First of all, Sparkle has a loose tooth. I think.

He came to me this morning and said, "I think this tooth hurts."  (Bottom left tooth, by the way.) I checked it out, and it seems just the tiniest bit wiggle-y.  It's hard to tell, 'cause his whole head jiggles a little bit, no matter which tooth you tug on.  But my dad checked, too, and he agreed.

Oh my gosh...

He only turned five a few days ago.  I am just barely able to wrap my head around the fact that my baby is five years old.  Having a loose tooth is just...  just...  totally unacceptable.

(sigh)

Sparkle came grocery shopping with me a few days ago, right before we were going to make his birthday cake.  (It was just like Beloved's last birthday cake, per Sparkle's very specific request.)  He was rambling on about how great the cake was going to be, and how it was going to be huge.  HUGE!  Bigger than than the table!  Bigger than the house!  Bigger than the whole world!  And then he added, "But not bigger than God." 

Because a cake bigger than God is just impossible, while a cake bigger than the whole world-- why, that makes perfect sense.

On the way home, completely out of the blue he said, "Mom, some people think castles are just imaginary, but there are lots of real castles in Europe, actually, and especially in France.  Did you know that?"

And what do you know, he's right.  Of course.

I think year five is off to a good start.

(Such perfect little shining square teeth!  I can hardly stand to see them fall out!)

"Chick Day"

There's a farm supply store near us that has what we call "chick day" every spring.  It's the day when all of their baby ducks and chicks and poultry of various kinds arrive.  They make kind of a big deal of it, and all the cool people who actually raise their own poultry come with their boxes to pick up their chicks and their new heat lamps, and what ever else baby chicks need.  A local 4H club brings their animals, and there is a little petting zoo in the parking lot.  Employees serve free hot dogs and soda. 

We've gone to "chick day" every year since Sparkle was one year old, and the boys really look forward to it.  The first year Pumpkin went, he was only six months old, but he waved his arms and squealed when we showed him the chicks and ducks and other animals.  He still loves animals and he was excited to hold some chicks and ducks on his own this year. 

Look at his sweet face!  Look at his proud smile!  Look at his gentle little hands!

We got to pet some very fluffy rabbits.

And some fuzzy lambs.  (Their names were Guy and Gus.)

And a goose.  (The goose honked and startled Pumpkin, but he still wanted to reach over and touch his feathers.)

AND!!  A puppy...  He kissed it.  He held it on his lap and patted it gently.  He asked several times if we could bring it home.  He was so incredibly cute (Pumpkin, not the puppy, though the puppy was kinda cute too), that I almost said yes.

Sparkle was there as well, but we don't have any pictures of him enjoying the animals. He was pouting because we would not let him have Coke.  Hot dog, yes.  Coke, no.  Now, we've never let him have Coke, ever, so I don't know why he was surprised by this.  And it's not because we're food-snobby parents.  Hot dogs are certainly no more healthy than Coke.  But at least hot dogs don't have caffeine.  Our Coke-refusal is 100% selfishly motivated.  I dread the day that my crazy kids get ahold of caffeine.

So anyway, Sparkle was pouting semi-quietly-- stomping after us as we walked around, crossing his arms when we asked him if he wanted to hold a chick.  After a little while Beloved just took him home and put him down for a nap.  He doesn't take naps too often any more, but he conked right out, thank goodness.  And woke up cheerful, thank goodness again.

But Pumpkin and I stayed and had a lovely time admiring all the animals.  He's already asked when we get to have "chick day" again.

Monster Tag

I'm not sure what was going on here, but I think they were playing "Monster Tag," which means Beloved growls and stomps and chases them, screaming, around the house!

Adjustments

Lately I find myself surprised by things that have not happened in my life.  It's not a depression, or really true regret.  I'm just mildly shocked with myself.

I think it has to do with Sparkle turning five years old in just over a month.  Five years is just one year short of 1/3 of the time he will be living in our home. Maybe by the time he's 16 I'll be thinking, "Lordy, how much longer is this crazy person going to be around?  Can we move on, here?" 

But right now I'm stunned by how freaking grown up he is, and wondering how this possibly could have happened.  I'm realizing that we don't have forever to do some of the things I always thought we'd do.

This is kind of a silly example, but I always thought my kids would have pets.  I grew up with three or four animals in our home all the time, in some combination of cats and dogs, with occasional fish and hamsters.  It never occurred to me that we would be a pet-less household, yet that's what we seem to be.  When the boys were babies we didn't have time for an animal, but I thought, "We'll get one when they're a little older."  Well, here they are, a little older, but we don't seem to have any more time, and I still haven't given them a pet.

I can't believe they haven't been in more swimming lessons.  I can't believe we haven't taken them to Glacier National Park.  I can't believe they've both been in daycare at least four days a week since they were babies.  I can't believe we don't have a sandbox (Are they past the age for sandboxes?  Have we completely missed our sandbox opportunity?).  I can't believe they only see their grandparents a few times a year. 

Before the boys somehow grew into these crazy preschoolers, I never would have thought all of those things would still be true by time my kids were this age.

You know, having left this post alone for while and come back to it a few times, I think I'm also just a little stunned that possibilities I was holding for myself for "later" are actually passing. 

It's silly because (hello?) it's impossible to have it all.  Supposedly we can, but really?  Not so much.  Shouldn't I have truly realized that by now? 

And not having it all isn't bad.  I can absolutely be completely happy without having all the education, travel, money, career, time, or experiences I could ever want.  I'm not even going to talk about the three kids/two kids issue, because even I'm tired of hearing myself rambling on about that.  I'm sick of hearing myself think about it in my own crazy brain at this point, frankly.

I love my job, but I can't believe I'm working so much.  I always thought I'd eventually back off my schedule to be home more.  I can't believe how few books I've read in the last year.  I can't believe our family hasn't been on a fun vacation longer than a weekend EVER (other than visits to see family, which kind of count, but not really).  I can't believe I haven't taken any classes outside of my field since I finished school.  I can't believe I stopped running, after running five days a week for forever.

Again, I'm not too upset, just surprised.  Sometimes life just needs to pause briefly while you reassess where you're headed and make some adjustments.  It's normal and healthy.  You all do this, too, right? 

I enjoy my life and my family.  I'd like to make a few changes, but I'm not sure how to adjust without some other important things falling apart.

I'll be working on it...