Mayhem and Magic

Six Random Updates

1. The Big Baby Shower was this weekend.  Oh my word...  I was a bit stressed.  The momma is a good friend of mine, and the baby shower was important to her, so I wanted it to be perfect. 

Beloved picked up the flowers and the cakes for me on Saturday morning, and neither was what I ordered!  I was mad.  Then I remembered that my children are not buried under cement rubble, there is a reliable clean water supply directly to my home, and my family is not starving or destitute.  Not getting the cake or flowers I ordered does not actually qualify as a problem in the grand sceme of things.

2. Three weeks ago we started a "Family Money" system.  We're going to start working on the concepts of money, saving, purchasing decisions, working for money, and responsibility. 

Pumpkin, in true Pumpkin form, does not care much at all about Family Money.  He does not care about earning it, though he very much dislikes the consequence of losing it.  Sparkle, also in true Sparkle form, loves the idea of decision-making and saving.  He counts his "money" every night.  He sets his mind on a goal and really does not waver much at all.  Later I'll post more about the system we chose and how it's going so far.  I'd like to get ideas from other parents on how best to make this work!

3. Beloved left today and will be gone most of the week.  Hate this, hate, hate, hate... 

My mother-in-law is coming for a week in June to help me out while he is gone on another work-related trip.  That is a whole 'nother kind of stress.

4. It was 100 degrees outside this weekend.  We set up a little pool and a sprinker in the back yard.  We bought our first watermelon of the year.  The boys ran around the yard in swimming suits, with their bellies all sticky from dripping watermelon juice on themselves.  It really felt like summer.

5. YMCA soccer starts again in a few weeks.  Sparkle will have the same coach and some of the same teammates as last year.  This, of course, is only assuming that I can get him registered in time which will be tricky with our schedule this week.  I'm not sure when I'll actually be able to get to the YMCA office to register.

6.  I talked to R. last week.  She was visiting her old home town and was taking Baby A home with her when she left.  It was not a long conversation, and there was a lot of background noise.  I'm not sure if Baby A is coming with her because the other person didn't want to or couldn't care for her any longer, if R just missed her, if there was a daycare situation that was resolved in R's current location, or what.  I am just relieved that, for now at least, Baby A is with R.  I hope at some point to get more information about why/how Baby A ended up NOT being with R for a while.  I hope that I can ask without being pushy or intrusive or judgemental.

Have a good Monday!

Happy Thoughts!

Here's a happy picture!  Beloved finished building the jungle gym.  The boys have been swinging and sliding and climbing...  It's great!  It took about two minutes before they tried putting other random items down the slide besides their own little bottoms.  (Actual items down the slide:  a truck, a trike, many balls, grass, rocks, drinking glasses, and a banana.)  They've also gone down the slide headfirst, upside down and standing up ("surfing"-- how do they know what surfing looks like?).  No major injuries so far, thank goodness.

I have not called R yet.  I didn't want to call while I was anxious or upset.  And I do feel...  somewhat less anxious and upset.  Still confused. 

The ups and downs of an open adoption relationship are difficult to blog about, by the way.  There are privacy issues for sure, for R and Pumpkin in particular, and our whole family in general.  Would I tell you if for some reason (please, no) Baby A had been removed from R's care?  I'm not sure.  Would I tell you if R just...  I don't know... decided that Baby A was a lot of work and maybe it would be easier to leave her with someone else?  Again, not sure. 

Now, if her daycare fell through and she was left without any acceptable options?  That I would probably share, because then it's not just about our families, but also political and moral issues of justice, wealth, and race.  Those things, I think, need to be exposed and discussed without judgement or shame. 

Have I already stepped over a privacy line that should not be crossed?  If I never again blog about where Baby A is, you might assume the worst of R.

It's easier to talk about the things that are unreservedly positive.  Phone calls and letters and birthday cards from first family...  all good things.  Questioning the care and/or safety of a sibling?  Potentially not good, and much much harder to talk about in a postive way that does not contribute to negative stereotypes about open adoption or first families.

Back to the happy!

Yesterday I was blow drying my hair.  Both the boys like to watch this, and they love when I unexpectedly turn the blow dryer on their feet!  They just giggle and giggle and shriek about it.  Anyway, Pumpkin was watching admiringly, and when I turned off the hair dryer he told me,

"Momma, you look just like Ariel."

High, high praise indeed!

Being a Conspicuous Family in South Africa?

We're planning our trip to South Africa now, which is very exciting.  Someone else (a travel agent we know in South Africa) is going the nitty-gritty stuff for us, like making reservations at places where we'll stay, getting a car, and that kind of thing.  Nice... 

I've been thinking about what it will be like to be a conspicuous family in South Africa.  When we met Sparkle there, I occasionally felt surprised by reactions we got.  Looking back, I'm not sure if I was surprised by the responses themselves, or just surprised because being conspicuous was new to us. 

And actually, there really were not that many times when anyone seemed to care in the least.  No one congratulated us or thanked us (like I've heard adoptive parents with children from China talk about).  A few (Black) workers in a restaurant were curious about our story and asked us if we really loved Sparkle.  They made mildly disapproving noises about the idea of a mother placing a child for adoption.  Once an older white lady kind of hissed at us when she looked in our stroller and saw that our baby wasn't white.  Very weird. 

But overall, not that many people seemed to notice our family, which was fine with us.  Except that sometimes I could not believe that not every single person wanted to stop and coo over this baby who was clearly the most adorable infant ever.

Here in the U.S., I think we handle being a conspicuous family pretty well.  Mostly, we just...  act like a family.  I don't want to blow off the significance of being aware of surroundings and aware of trying to make sure our kids don't get the spotlight put on them, but sometimes (often, even) what works best is to refuse to be uncomfortable.  We mostly do our thing, expecting to be treated well and not be questioned.  If someone wants to act like our family is odd or whatever, we don't necessarily make it easy for them. 

When someone asks, for example,  "Are they brothers?"  we feel totally okay with giving them a long, confused, blank look...  (long enough for them to feel just a bit uncomfortable)  And then saying, "Yes!"

(Here's another post about that question in particular, from a mini-set of postings in the category Adoption FAQ.)

That's kind of a simplistic summary, but you get the drift. 

I'm not sure if that's how it will work in South Africa.  I'm not sure what to expect.  Here, I don't feel too much obligation to satisfy people's curiosity.  But maybe in South Africa we might need to plan on being "adoption ambassadors" just a bit more?  Maybe we should be more open, knowing that many people in South Africa need to see a positive picture of adoption?  I just don't know.

(Are they brothers?  Are you kidding me?  They're so darn brotherly I can hardly stand it!  I so wish this picture was clearer because I love it!  But it's fun anyway, even if it is blurry.)

Macaroni Dog

Well, I'm heading out tonight on work-related travel.  I'm actually excited to go, but missing Beloved and the boys already. 

They have exciting things planned, like playing football (which we do every single day, regardless), eating mac and cheese (and probably McDonald's I'm guessing), and burping a lot (seriously, burping is now the funniest thing ever).

On that last post?  You know, I really have the smartest and kindest blog readers ever. You're awesome.  Thanks.  (If you haven't gone back to read the comments, you should.)

I'd also like to draw your attention to a post by chou-chou, who is adopting from Ethiopia, and whom I admire.  I also find it interesting to consider this post along with another one from Anti-Racist Parent about preparing children to face racism-- or just to be able to handle "jackassery" in general.  You're welcome to continue the discussion and sharing of opinions here (I'd love to hear what you have to say), but consider reading the posts and comments there are well.

And...

What you really came for...

The Macaroni Dog!

Pumpkin discovered Mr. Macaroni Dog in his mac and cheese.  We all exclaimed and laughed...  And then Pumpkin ate him!

Parenting Black Children: What Not to Do?

I just read an interesting article in Adoptive Families.  Please read the article.  I'd like to know what you think.

While we were in the adoption process for Sparkle, I had some thoughts that I'm not proud of now.  I was thinking of how we would instill pride in our South African child, how we would let him know he was special, how we would make it be okay that he was one of a minority of Black kids in our area.  And I admit I had some vague idea that we would talk up South Africa and how his ancestors had never been slaves.  In my head, this would be in the context of helping him identify with African American history, too.  Just, you know, having extra pride in being South African. 

Now I think this is a bad idea.  A BAD idea. 

I absolutely understand the motivation of adoptive parents who might want to use this "But your people were never slaves, your country was never colonized" thing.  Sometimes there are way more negatives than positives about being a transracially adopted kid, or being one of only several kids of color in a classroom, or being the only Black child in a family.  We feel like we need anything, ANYTHING, to make it more tolerable when things are hard.

I understand wanting your son to know the history of his country of origin, and wanting him to be proud of himself and his first family.

But I would like to suggest that making difficult things more tolerable by drawing distinctions among Black people is NOT WORTH IT.

I have two Black children from very different backgrounds.  (Sparkle was born in South Africa, and Pumpkin was born in Indiana.)  For our family, there would be some very direct consequences if I were to lead either of them to believe that any aspect of his "Blackness" was better than his brother's. 

Can you imagine? 

And you know, my kids don't have lots of other South African kids around.  They have some African American friends (both adopted and not adopted), but we still need for our kids to feel connected to other Black adopted kids, to feel a part of that community.  It bothers me to think that kids whose parents take this approach to "building pride" might make my boys feel like they don't belong. 

(So, it's all about my kids and my own selfishness, you see!)  (Except not really.)

I've actually been working on this post for a while, and I keep writing things and then deleting them.  I'm struggling to explain this and it's probably not going to come out exactly right.  And I'm a little nervous to write about unity among people of color when I obviously have no personal experience as a person of color.  Please feel free to tell me if you disagree, or if you can explain it better.  I think it's an important discussion.

Here's what I originally wrote (and please note ahead of time that my thinking has been a little revised):

You cannot say, "Well, we're just expressing pride in the strength of the Ethiopian people when we remind our kids that Ethiopia was never colonized" without at the same time saying (even if you don't say it out loud, even if you say it innocently, even if you don't think your kid will pick up any more subtle meaning), " 'Cause those people in countries that were colonized were weaker."  (Not trying to pick on adoptive parents of Ethiopian kids, here, just using this example since it was in the article.) 

I cannot say to my South African son, "Here is something for you to be proud of:  Your ancestors were never slaves!" without implying "That would be bad if your ancestors had been slaves."

Now, this is not 100% true in every situation.  I absolutely believe it is possible to talk about the history of a country or a people group in an objective way that builds self-knowledge without creating a better than/worse than dynamic.  (And I think the author of the article has a unique situation in that her daughters were eight years old when they were adopted and the author is an adoption professional.)

But.  I think the line between positive confidence and negative, devisive pride is very verrrry fine.

Somewhat Random Open Adoption Thoughts

Wasn't Christmas nice? 

I had plenty of vacation time, though now I'm back to work and things are crazier than ever.  In some ways, it's nice that Christmas is over.  I love having the house decorated for Christmas, but I also love getting it all put back together.  I'm glad that the sweets are mostly out of the house now. 

But it's hard to go back to work and back to "normal" life, knowing that the rest of the winter is just...  well, cold dark long winter, with no more vacations until spring.  Beloved will be traveling a lot, which is always hard for me.  I wish we had something to look forward to in the next few months. 

We were able to talk to R, Pumpkin's first mom, several times over the holidays.  We thought there was a good chance we might actually get to meet her and Baby A a few days before Christmas, but her transportation didn't work out.  We sent her and Baby A a box of Christmas gifts.  She was really pleased with the gifts, which makes me happy.  After Christmas, she told me that our gifts were the only ones she got this year!  It's not that she doesn't have people who care about her, but I think they were expecting to see her, and so didn't send any gifts. 

When Beloved saw me wrapping up all of the gifts to send to R and Baby A, he kind of thought that I/we were a little excessive in our giving to them.  (Really, it was maybe a lot of individual gifts (like, about 8-10 things total), but nothing that was very expensive by itself, except for a $75 gift card to Wal-Mart.)  When I told him that ours were the only gifts they had on Christmas day, he got kind of a shocked, sad look.  Hmm, those gifts don't seem to so excessive now!

Sometimes it's not an easy thing to blog about our relationship with R, because so much of it feels private.  But here's something I can share! 

Beloved and I have somewhat different feelings about how best to support R and Baby A.  He likes her well enough and feels somewhat connected to her through Pumpkin, but he prefers a less personal approach.  He is happy to let me do most of the chatting and photo sending, for example.  He would like to set up a fund to help her pay for school.  I think that's a great idea, but I think that it might tell her that we only love and support her if she makes what we think are the best choices.  Anyway, we're still looking into the option of helping her pay for school, but we do not have anything definite in the works.

For me, I struggle just a little bit with feeling personally responsible for R, and especially for Baby A.  This first parent/adoptive parent relationship is a unique thing, and I'm not sure I've got a great handle on it.  We are not just her friends.  We are family, but not in the same way as siblings or cousins.  And we are definitely not her parents.  I am interested in her and in her life, I'd love to be the best possible support person for her, but I'm not sure exactly what that should look like.  So far, I think I know what would be inappropriate.  Inappropriate would be asking her how her grades are, how she's managing her finances, or if she's taken the baby for her well child visits, for example.  Sometimes it seems like a bit of a tricky thing to let her know that I am genuinely interested in knowing her, without making it seem like I can't mind my own business.  (Wow, I'm not explaining this very well.  I hope I'm making some sense.)

Another thing that makes the relationship different is that we are maintaining it for Pumpkin, and not just for ourselves.  I hope that we would still care about R. if she just any other single mom we knew.  But I'm always aware that Pumpkin will be in charge of this relationship someday, and we are keeping things as open and positive as possible until he's ready to take over (with some help, of course, for a while).  I don't know how much affect this has on our interaction, but to me it feels unique compared to any other relationship.

So far, we tend to just try to write or call on a regular basis, keep her updated on Pumpkin, and occasionally send her small gifts, like a little toy or outfit or book for Baby A.  So far, I think she knows we care about her. 

So far, I think we're doing okay.

Birth Order and Adoption

What do you think about birth order personality theories in general?  And what about adoption and birth order?  I read Born to Rebel years ago, before I was a mom, and it made a lot of sense to me at the time.  But I know there are so many, many variables that birth order effects on personality are hard to study scientifically.

I'm not sure what I think, but I've been wondering about it for a long time.

In my family of origin, I'm the oldest of four kids.  I think I mostly fit the "Eldest Child" profile.  Responsible, parent-pleasing, follows the rules, hard-working but avoids too much risk--yeah, that pretty much sounds like me.  My siblings all seem to fit the profile of their order in our family.  My sister is a middle child in our family and a middle child in her first family.  My youngest brother is the youngest in our family, but his first mom's oldest child.  He's very much a "Youngest," to me though.  Free-thinking, easy-going, risk-taking, and living in the moment.  He's the brother who's an actor.  (The link will take you to an older post, "Too Black/Not Black Enough", about white privilege and my biracial brother.)

My kids had their birth order changed because of adoption.  Sparkle is our oldest, but his first mom's youngest.  Pumpkin is our youngest, but his first mom's oldest.

It's not clear to me if either of them has a strong tendency to be a typical oldest or youngest child.  I don't know if it's not obvious because I'm too close to them, or if they have both oldest and youngest features because of their original birth order and subsequent adoption, or if it's because the whole birth order thing is hogwash anyway.

What do you think?  Is your personality or your child's affected by birth order and/or adoption?  Or is it all, you know...  hogwash?

Listening to Adult Adoptees and First Parents

I've been reading some of the blog posts and comments about the New York Times adoption blog. 

I don't have anything new to add about the censoring of comments on the NYT blog.  What stands out to me is the unwillingness of adoptive parents to listen to what adoptees, first parents, and people of color have to say about their experience.

We adoptive parents seem to immediately get defensive when adult adoptees say anything "negative" about their experience as people of color or their perspective on adoption.  (And we get really defensive when parents who have relinquished children to adoption say anything "negative," but the NYT thing has been specifically about shushing adoptees.)

What is so threatening about listening to a different opinion?  We don't have to agree.  It's not as if an army of adult adoptees is going to move in with us and critique our every parenting move.  The thing is, I think if we could just listen better we would find that their experience does have an impact on us and our parenting, for the better.

A few years ago, my sister (a Korean adult adoptee) found out that her first family was looking for her.  (So, so fascinating, but not my story to tell!)  We had already adopted Sparkle, and it was interesting to watch some of the family dynamics going on from my perspective as an adoptive sister and a relatively new adoptive mom.

A particular conversation that stands out to me is one I had with my mom while all of this unfolded.  Somewhere my mom made the comment, "...but I realized, it's not like she's going to move back to Korea.  No matter what happens, she's still going to be here..."

I had mostly been looking at the situation as a fascinating, exciting story.  I hadn't realized how frightening it was for my mom, or how protective she felt about my sister and their relationship.

(And then there's another whole discussion about how my parent's opinions and feelings might impact my sister's interaction with her Korean family.  Again, probably not something I get to blog about.) 

None of this is to say that I am so Super-Ultra-Fabulous at listening and setting aside my opinions to just absorb what someone else is trying to show me.  I'm definitely not immune to feeling defensive about my position as mother to my kids.

When Pumpkin turned one, his first mom sent him a bunch of gifts and cards.  One was a figurine she had chosen for him, and she had inscribed it with a message, ending with "Love from Mom."  Now, by this time I was definitely trying to listen and learn from adoptees and first parents.  If you had asked me, I would have told you that it was okay with me that R is also Pumpkin's mother.  But I very clearly remember the swelling of defensiveness, almost anger, a fighting, possessive response that felt like it almost literally bubbled up in my chest.

And, almost as immediately, I remembered my surprise when I figured out how threatened my mom felt by my sister's first family.

And I kind of sat back and "watched" myself.  I didn't try to push off that feeling of possessiveness.  I just let myself feel it, and at the same time thought about my sister and my mom and the first families of my boys.  The mama bear feeling faded after a while.

I don't think that what I felt was "bad" or wrong.  It was just a feeling, just emotion, and it was valuable, I think.  It's not wrong for adoptive parents to vehemently claim their children as their own.  (Personally, I think they can be ours, our very own, and still have part of them be someone else's as well.)  It's not wrong to feel defensive sometimes.  It's not wrong to disagree with adoptees and first parents sometimes.  But I think it is wrong to refuse to hear them. 

Don't worry if they seem angry or disrespectful or damaged to you at first.  Don't try to formulate your response.  Don't try to think of how your family or your child is different.  Don't panic about the future (your own or your child's).

If you can, try to set yourself aside for a while.  When an experience or opinion is shared, try to say "thank you" (in person or just in your mind).  Then you can think about what was shared, decide if the information is useful to you, and decide if you need to change anything about yourself or your parenting.  And if you do need to change something, then do it.  And if you don't, then don't, and stop worrying about it.  But keep listening.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this.  This post might end up sounding like I'm a crazy self-righteous pushover.  But I do believe that If we can really listen to adoptees and first parents, we will find them to be a source of encouragement and support for ourselves and for our kids.

Welcome to the World, Baby A!

Pumpkin has a little sister!  She was born to his first mom, R, and both of them are home now and doing well.

We can't wait to see pictures.  I wonder if she looks like Pumpkin. 

We were walking through Target the day after she was born, and some little fuzzy pink infant thing caught my eye. I usually just don't even look at the girl-y clothes section, having been a mom of boys for four years. 

But now!  A-ha! 

I may have gone a little crazy with pink...  Have you seen the cuteness in the infant girls clothing?  Oh my gosh.  So cute.

Pumpkin really does not care too much at all about this whole "Little Baby A" thing.  It's pretty abstract for him, I guess.  He did say something about Baby A living in South Africa, and he and I going together on a plane to see her.  I suppose it's kind of confusing. 

R would really like if Pumpkin would express more interest in Baby A.  So far when they've talked on the phone, he just wants to tell her that he's wearing a football jersey and Lightning McQueen is his favorite.  (Which he tells everyone.)  I feel a little badly for her because she would like for him to participate in the excitement of the new baby experience, but at three years old, he doesn't really understand or care. 

This is new territory for us...  I don't want to push Pumpkin to understand who Baby A is and why she's important if it's just going to be confusing for him right now.  But I want to make sure he has the opportunity to understand or to ask questions.

Sparkle is actually more interested in Baby A than Pumpkin is.  And again, this is new territory.  If Baby A is Pumpkin's baby sister, is she Sparkle's sister, too?  I'm not sure how to answer that, actually, which is weird.  With Pumpkin, R has clearly referred to Baby A as Pumpkin's baby sister.  So that's what we're calling her.  (Not his "genetic half sister" or anything.)  R thinks of Sparkle as Pumpkin's brother, but she definitely does not think of him as her son, so I don't know if she would be okay with Sparkle calling Baby A his sister. 

I do believe that people can choose to be family to one another, regardless of genetic or legal connections.  It wouldn't bother me if Sparkle wanted Baby A to be his sister, but I don't want to offend R, or make her feel like she has some obligation to Sparkle as well as Pumpkin.  (Though, truly, R has been wonderful about including Sparkle-- she sends him Christmas gifts and talks to him on the phone and things like that.)

Poor little Sparkle...  He knows his birth mom is in South Africa and that she has children who live with her.  He wishes he could talk to her on the phone like Pumpkin talks to R.  He has lots of ideas about how we could write to her, or visit her, or call her.  And I would so like to be able to give him that opportunity.  We wrote a letter asking the adoption agency in South Africa to give L (Sparkle's first mom) our contact information.  But that was about five months ago.  I don't even know if we sent the letter to the right person, or the right office.  I don't know if the adoption agency can't help us, or won't, or if L herself asked them not to.

It's so hard for a little person to understand.  And you know what?  That's because it's just not understandable, is it?  Not even for a grown up. 

We are all okay (Sparkle, Pumpkin, Beloved and me, R, and Baby A).  We're glad to be part of each other's lives, and we're so happy that Baby A is healthy and happy and safe.  Adoption stuff is still just hard and sad sometimes.      

I Don't Feel Guilty

When other adoptive parents tell the stories of coming home with their children, there's often a phrase included that goes something like this:

"As the airplane took off, and I saw my child's birth country disappearing, I felt so sad.  We were leaving his culture behind and we felt guilty for taking him away."

It seems very, very common for adoptive parents to feel that way, doesn't it?  Honestly, I've never felt horribly guilty about physically taking my kids away from the place of their birth.  I absolutely understand that it is a big loss, especially for Sparkle who was born in South Africa.  I understand that there are so many aspects of growing up in their birth cultures that we cannot replace or replicate, no matter how hard we try.

So why don't I feel the guilt that so many other adoptive parents seem to feel?  I certainly feel guilty about a million other things, so why not this?

There are probably a couple of reasons:

1.  If we had not adopted them, someone else would have. 

With both of our children, the decision was made that they would be adopted long before we met them.  Whether their first moms made "the right decision" or not, the fact is that both of them were going to be parented by someone other than their first parents. 

If Sparkle's mom had not chosen us as his parents, she would have chosen someone else.  Much like an expectant mom in the US who is considering adoption for her child, she was given profiles of potential adoptive families from which to choose.  Most of the other adoptive parents were from various countries in Europe, so if she hadn't chosen Beloved and me, Sparkle would likely have grown up speaking Swedish, or Dutch, or German.  That's very odd to think about.  But one way or another he was going to be an adopted child, and I just don't feel guilty for being the ones to parent him.

In Pumpkin's case, his mom did not make a specific adoption plan before his birth but she had planned on adoption during her pregnancy.  If we had not promised the hospital that I was coming, he would have been placed in foster care in his birth city.  Though a preemie, he was healthy and absolutely perfect in every way.  So I don't doubt that he would have been adopted.  I'm just so glad it was us who got to do it, and I don't feel guilty for being the ones to parent him, either.

2. Because both of the boys are Black (South African American and African American) and living in the US, there is a broad, rich culture here in the US for them to connect to. 

No one sees Sparkle and thinks he looks "African."  (We can see his Ndebele features, but most people don't.)  Everyone sees him as African American, including other African Americans.  Though I don't doubt that he will feel the loss of South African culture, it seems to me more urgent that he find his place as a Black American in the US than as a displaced South African in the US.

Though he was adopted domestically, Pumpkin, too, has lost the "normalness" of growing up in a family of all African Americans. 

Still, we have not completely removed either of them from the possibility of having deep, abiding connection to other Black Americans.

I hope I am not sounding too casual about this, because I do understand that it's a deep loss for both of them.  I know it's important that Sparkle is South African and not African American, and that his ancestors do not share the same history as Black people born in the U.S. 

It's not that we are over-confident in our own ability as parents to make sure the boys make those connections to African Americans and find themselves a place in the African American community.  Really, our confidence is in Sparkle and Pumpkin!  If we can give them the basic tools, these boys will be okay.

Did you (or do you) feel guilty for taking your child away from his or her birth culture, if you've adopted from another country or culture?