Mayhem and Magic

"Touchdown for Tommy"

Here's the descriptor paragraph on the back of the book Sparkle brought home from school:

"Football isn't just Tommy's favorite sport, it's the key to a good home.  Recently orphaned Tommy is delighted to discover that his foster father, Mr. Powell, coaches Midget League football.  By playing well Tommy thinks he will make Mr. Powell want to adopt him, and then he will have a real family again.  This easy-to-read story of a boy's struggle for acceptance on and off the field is packed with enough warmth and sports action to appeal to all young readers."

Yeah, I don't think we're going to read this one to Sparkle.

I read it, though, just because...  Well, I don't know why, but I did.

Tommy isn't a very good sportsman, though he's good at football.  He's too rough with his tackles, sometimes on purpose, though the book doesn't connect this behavior to Tommy's loss.  He's just mean sometimes, and his coach has to teach him to control himself.

Here are the last few paragraphs of the book:

"Mr. Powell smiled and ruffled Tommy's hair.  He looked at Mrs. Powell, Mr. Powell, and then at Betty.  He was so choked he couldn't speak.

Everybody's face had the broadest, happiest smile Tommy had ever seen.  It was as if all the lights in the whole world were shining on their faces...

Tommy shook his head.  A proud grin spread across his face.

'It's sure nice to have a mom and dad again!' he said happily."

And...  curtain!

Now, this was published in the 60s and I get that it's full of old ideas about adoption.  But!  This was read aloud to some of the kids in Sparkle's class.  It's a "chapter book" and probably took them about five days or so to read at school.  And!  Is the school completely unable to afford any books more current than the 1960s for kindergartners?  For kids who are just learning to choose books for themselves?

I'm absolutely willing to cut this teacher a lot  of slack because Sparkle is doing awesome in her class, he loves school, his reading is improving daily, and I can tell that she really likes Sparkle.  If you know the teacher likes your kid and wants the best for him that goes a looong way, right? 

But still, I think we're going to have a gentle chat.  And we'll head over to the bookstore to find some better books to donate to the classroom.

Plane Tickets

We got an email from a lady asking for help raising money for her daughter's family.  It's not that we were targeted specifically in this email, she pretty much sent it to everyone in her email address book.  But it annoyed me, so I must share it with you.

According to the grandma, they are a busy family with two kids ("of their own') who just had two children placed with them for adoption.  They are currently foster parenting, the kids have only been living in the home for a few weeks, but it's an adoptive placement so the supposed intention is permanent placement.  The rest of the family is flying to visit relatives over Christmas.  To add the two new children would cost $900 per plane ticket.  So they are looking for help to buy the plane tickets, otherwise they will have to leave the children in a group home over Christmas.

Hello?  These are YOUR children now.  Leaving them behind in a group home is not an option.  If you can't afford to buy them plane tickets, then either 1) no one goes, you get refunds on the plane tickets, and have a lovely Christmas at home with just the six of you, or 2) one parent gets a refund on a plane ticket and stays home with two of the children while sending the rest of the family off to visit relatives.

I'm trying to remind myself that I don't know the whole story, maybe it's not that simple, but I gotta say I'm judging just a little wee bit.

Okay Then

1.  A short but carefully crafted message was sent to foster mom via facebook.  She friended me!  Hooray!  She sent a little note back saying that Sparkle is as cute as ever and she would send him an email later that day.  She didn't, but that's okay.  Well, obviously I'd love it if she did, but I'll take what I can get at this point.  She has not completely disappeared from the planet, so that's awesome!  It looks like she mostly plays facebook games with her account, not much personal information there.

2.  Yet another potluck lunch is happening at work next week.  Those who have not signed up got an email today.  Apparently I need to commit to a particular dish ahead of time, which...  argh!  Maybe I can just get some chicken from the deli across the street. 

What do you bring to potlucks?  This has to be a lunch entree or salad, and I have to be able to put it in the fridge at work in the morning.  Microwave is the only reheating option.  Actually a few people have brought things in crockpots in the past, so that might work. 

3.  Pumpkin has a new sister.  She's almost six months old now.  I meant to blog about it, because having siblings in another family is a big deal for adopted kids.  You might recall that the birth of Pumpkin's first sister threw me for a loop a few years ago.  This time...  much less loop. 

It still feels like a big deal though.  I'd like to talk about it more, but it seems a little overwhelming.  I want to be sensitive to privacy issues and adoption triad communication issues...  It's a big subject and I want to say what I'm thinking about it clearly.  But, dude, she's almost six months old.  I'm apparently not going to find the time to write anything that I have to think about too much.  It feels a little like I'm hiding something, though, if I don't talk about this part of open adoption.  So I'm just mention it here, all casually and in passing-- there, did you see it?  

Holy...

I found Sparkle's foster mom on Facebook... 

I want to email her right now but...  I know the adoption agency told us that South Africa does not allow contact between us and Sparkle's first mom until Sparkle is eighteen.  But I'm trying to remember if that applied to his foster family as well?

And I had mostly given up on finding anyone who knew Sparkle in South Africa.  Now that there's this bit of hope I'm scared I'll do something wrong and she'll disappear. 

Just today we talked to Pumpkin's first mom on the phone.  It's his sister's birthday and she had a Tinkerbell party.  While Pumpkin was talking to them I gave Sparkle a hug and kiss and said, "You know what I wish?  I wish we could call your brothers on their birthdays."  He just said, "Yeah..."  He was busy listening to what Pumpkin was saying to his sister.  (She turned two today, so it's not much of a conversation but they both enjoy it.)

I know it's hard for Sparkle not to know his first family, especially because Pumpkin does have that opportunity.  It would be so cool for him to have even the tiniest connection to someone who cared for him before we met him.

Oh God...  (Seriously, this is a "help me, help me, help me" prayer.)

Liars

I'm telling you, parenting never gets easier... 

Yesterday at school Sparkle and a classmate were disagreeing about something.  Neither child was at fault in anything, both boys were just each convinced that he was right. The lead teacher went over to make sure they were okay and by then they had mostly resolved whatever it was.  Sparkle had turned and started to walk away.  And his classmate, J., still convinced that he was right and Sparkle was wrong, and apparently needing to take a parting shot, said,

"Well, anyway, all black people are liars."

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The teacher immediately corrected J.  I'm not sure exactly what she said.  And she immediately talked to his parents about it when they came to pick him up.

"Oh my, now where ever could J. have heard such a thing?"  they pondered.  (I wasn't there, I'm just recreating the conversation from what the teacher told us later.)

"Surely, he's never heard such a thing from us!"

"Ahh, but wait... Perhaps...  Perhaps it was at that Republican tea party rally we took him to a few days ago."

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So...  I don't know if Sparkle even heard what J. said.  It happened yesterday and he didn't mention it. The teacher left us a note to come talk to her we didn't see it until this morning.  Huge props to the teacher, by the way, who we think handled it appropriately. 

I have to tell you that my initial reaction was not entirely Christ-like.  Something along the lines of

"F*** you, you racist Republican a**holes!"

Huh...  I mighthave been generalizing and stereotyping in a potentially unfair way.  Exactly the reason I was mad at them.  (Though...  grrr...  I still think in their particular case it just might be true.)  Happily, I did not actually say that.  Nor did I tell my child that all Republicans are racist.  You see how that works?  You just avoid assigning any particular characteristics (good or bad, but especially bad) to an entire group of people. 

I understand showing your kid how to be politically involved, how to make himself heard, how to form social and political opinions.  But this family's methods are off the mark.  Peaceful conflict resolution requires tolerance, respect and the ability to  agree to disagree without resorting to name calling and racist attacks.

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The dad of this family is a wealthy specialist physician.  I'm not sure what the mom's job is.  They both drive BMWs.  They are, of course, as white as can be.  I'm guessing their taxes are going up and they're upset about it, the poor, poor things. 

J. is also the kid who recently informed Sparkle that doctors and dentists are rich.  And that it's better to be a doctor or dentist becausethey are rich.  Previously, I don't think Sparkle realized that some people make significantly more money than others.  He just generally knows that at least one person in a family needs to have a job so that the family can pay for the things they need.  And he definitely knows that when you have more than you need you should share. 

Anyway, he's been asking now, "Do construction workers make a lot of money?" as we drive by the road repair crew.  "Do bank workers make a lot of money?"  "Do Wal-Mart workers make a lot of money?" So I wasn't impressed with this family already, and kind of sad at Sparkle's loss of innocence about social class and wealth.  But maybe they were trying to explain something about education or financial planning or something and their kid got stuck on that rich vs not-rich concept for some reason.  Not the end of the world. 

Now, I'm pissed.  I know that Jesus is "especially fond" of these people and that he can forgive them for being jerks.  So I'm working on that.

We're wondering what our response should be.  We'll check with Sparkle to see what he thought and if he heard Js last "liars" remark.  Should we tell him he should keep being kind to J, but encourage him to spend his time with other classmates?  Do we need to talk to J's parents ourselves?

In theory I'm all for talking about tough things as they come up, in real time.  We don't want to be hiding things or shielding our kids too much, but helping to blunt the blows and show them how to still stand strong.  But for now we're still processing...  And feeling sad that this won't be the last time and it's not the worst thing that will be said to my sons.  Thanks for listening. 

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Edited already:

Well, I didn't post this before but here's the follow up anyway.

Sparkle and J were arguing about whether or not Sparkle is six years old.  J doesn't think Sparkle's really six, and Sparkle obviously is pretty clear that he is.  Sparkle says, "He believed me before when I told him I was six, but then he didn't believe me."  There was some sort of shirt tugging after that which we're not really clear on, except that it was J. doing it to Sparkle.  He says, "He was trying to pull me down."  Six year old boy wrestling or potentially hurtful violence?  Not sure...

J "got in big trouble" per Sparkle's report.  He had a time out and a talking to and had to miss part of kindergarten that day.

Sparkle did not hear J's "black people are all liars" comment.  We did tell him, and talked to him about it.  It was mostly, "Thanks for telling us about what happened with J.  You're right that you're six.  That was silly of him not to believe you.  We wanted to talk to you about why J got in trouble after that.  We talked to your teacher and she told us that J said that all black people are liars.  Maybe he was saying that because he didn't believe that you were six.  At first Mom and Dad were very upset and angry that J would say that, because he said it in a way that was supposed to be hurtful and because it's not kind and not true.  You know that sometimes people feel like they can't get along with other people who are different from them.  Maybe people who speak a different language or are from another country, or people who look different, or believe different, or have a different kind of family.  You know that that's silly and wrong, but maybe J doesn't know that yet.  You know that Jesus loves all people because he made them and they are special to him.  Jesus loves and forgives people even when they are unkind and hurtful, and that's what he asks us to do to.  So, we can forgive J and continue to be kind to him.  But he needs to learn how to treat people respectfully.  We want you to tell us if J or anyone else ever says anything hurtful to you.  We'll always listen and help you."

It was a short conversation, actually.  Sparkle sat in my lap in an armchair (I wanted there to be snuggling and closeness right at hand) and Beloved was about 5 feet away.  

When we talked about needing to know if anyone said hurtful things Sparkle got a bit teary and said, "Well, S and A said something hurtful to me."  And then he was reluctant to say exactly what happened.  My heart was in my throat wondering what could possibly have happened.  But...  It turned out that it was mostly nothing.  Sparkle wasn't so much reluctant to talk about it as he just couldn't really remember.  I guess these are boys from the first grade class from last year and they said something like, "You're a soccer ball."  What?  I remember there was something going on last year where the teachers had to step in because the older boys weren't letting the younger boys play soccer with them or use the soccer balls.  But as far as we can tell it wasn't a long-standing problem, Sparkle wasn't singled out in any way, and everything was fine.

So, once again, long story and thanks for listening.

Overheard From Sparkle: One Funny and One Serious

I told the boys this morning, "You may each have some Sprite after you have put on your pants and brushed your teeth."  Chalk that one up as a parenting phrase I never thought I'd say...  But as Sparkle was pulling on his jeans and working on the snap (tricky, those snaps) he said, "Mom, you know, I think the silent e is kind of mean."  (Ha!) "Why is that?" I asked, truly thrilled by his observation and wondering what the heck he was going to say next.  "Well, it's always changing one thing into something else, like a 'tub' into a 'tube.' "  (Ha!  What a kid!  And also, thank you Between the Lions!)

Later this evening he and I were making pumpkin bread together.  He's way into baking and measuring, my Sparkle, and he's always excited to bake or cook something together.  Right in the middle of the recipe, like, as we were adding baking soda, he asked, "Mom, why did you want two brown boys?"

This isn't the first time he's asked me the same question.  And he's phrased it that way each time.  He asked Beloved the same thing a while ago when I wasn't around.  He's looking for something...  I'm not sure what or why.  I've never, ever said we adopted them because we wanted two brown boys.  I've never said we wanted brown kids in particular.  I'm not quite sure what he's getting at, or what he's really asking.  Maybe he doesn't know either.

We had a long conversation about it, probably seven to ten minutes of talking over his adoption in particular.  I said some generic stuff about how I wanted to be a mom ever since I was a little girl, that I was waiting and praying for a child, how we asked the adoption agency if they knew of a baby who was going to need another mom and dad (not a different mom and dad...  to me it's important that he knows his first mom can still be his mom but he needed another mom), how we loved him and wanted him, how he was the one child who made me into a mom...  I don't know what was said...  Nothing really new, I don't think. 

We got the pumpkin bread into the oven and I scooped him up and sat his little hiney on the kitchen counter, where he was right at my eye level with my arms around him.  He was messing with my necklace while we chatted.  I must not have answered what he was really asking because he asked then, "But why didn't you want a little white boy?"  I answered, "You mean, a baby who was born out of my uterus?"  Yep, he said, why not that?  "Baby, we needed you...  I didn't have a baby out of my body because we were waiting for a baby who turned out to be you."

(Sometime let's talk about the difference between telling a kid, "You were the answer to my prayers" and "God meant for you to be ours."  Whew, that's a discussion!  Not too inflammatory, is it?  You can handle it, right?)

Then he was done.  I think Beloved and Pumpkin came downstairs at that point, and Sparkle was ready to go play.

Sheesh, these children...  Always growing up and asking new things and expecting us parents to grow and figure stuff out with them...  Demanding little folks, children, aren't they?

I've been thinking about it since, and I'm not sure my answers to him were complete.  He wants to know why we ended up together.  He doesn't care about the things that were not the reason we adopted.

Does that make sense? 

I didn't adopt my kids to prove anything...  I didn't adopt to show that I'm a good person.  I didn't adopt to prove I'm not racist.  I didn't adopt with the intention of rescuing a poor child.  We wanted to parent and adoption was the way we chose to build our family.

But I think I've been so determined not to place value statements on the decisions made by adoptive parents as well as placing parents that I've missed something important.

Our family does say something about us. 

It seems arrogant to think that our little family could demonstrate anything positive to the world.  If we do, it will be by grace alone... 

(Wait, no faith stuff here!)

Anyway...  Here's what I hope our family shows about us:

We believe that people can choose to be family to one another.  We believe that making the decision to love someone is always a good choice.  We believe that people have value because they're people; not because they are like us, they share our genes, they share our lifestyle, they share our beliefs, or they share our culture. 

Maybe Sparkle needs for us to tell him that more directly.  Maybe we need to say, "We chose you to be in our family and we decided to love you forever, and that's why we adopted you."

I love you, my Sparkle.

 

(Check out the hug/stranglehold.  That's a pretty good summary of brotherhood, right there.)

Thinking About Adoption Again

When we went to South Africa we knew we would visit the adoption agency and a baby house.  We hoped we might see the social workers who knew Sparkle and his first mom, we hoped we might see his foster mom, and we even hoped that we'd be able to somehow connect with Sparkle's first mom.  I tried not to have too many expections, tried to just be open to anything. 

(Here is a post about meeting Sparkle's first mom the first time we were in South Africa.) 

Well, I must have had some expectations because I found myself disappointed.  Now, I am not complaining...  People helped us as much as they could and we are very, very blessed to have the information and background that we do. 

I guess I had an expection that we would learn something more...  But we really didn't. 

When we met Sparkle, Beloved and I were all about the baby and becoming parents.  I knew that we should get as much information as possible, meet everyone we could, see as many places connected to Sparkle's history as possible.  But really, all of that took a backseat to the energy and headspace of becoming parents.  (Wow, what a rush!  Honestly, my energy and motivation has never been so focused as it was during the first few weeks of becoming a mom.) 

Once we came home, we realized over the course of time that we wished we'd gotten more information. 

Here's just one example of things we wish we'd clarified:

Sparkle's mother made an adoption plan before he was born, yet Sparkle stayed in the hospital for six weeks before coming into a Place of Safety (what South Africa calls foster homes or baby houses).  Why, why, why?  Was he sick?  Was there a paperwork problem?  Was his mom reconsidering her options?  There is no documentation of what was going on with him during that time.  We know that his mom had a C-section (we don't know why) but Sparkle's APGARs were 9 and 10, he was declared healthy... and then six weeks later he went from the hospital to a baby house. 

It honestly didn't really occur to me at the time to question at all.  And we did have opportunity to figure this out.  We talked to his first mom, his social worker, and his foster mom.  We never asked...  I guess I was just thrilled that he was healthy and mine, and at the time it didn't seem that important.

Maybe I thought I could ask later.  Well, five years later all the potential sources for that information are gone.  We don't have current contact information for his first mom, her social worker doesn't work for the agency any longer, and his foster mom stopped fostering shortly after he was adopted. 

There are actually a number of other things that I wish we had asked about, but I don't think I'll share them here for privacy reasons. 

My point is...  We should have asked.  Any silly thing that came to our minds, any time we spent with anyone, we should have asked.  Once the opportunity passed, that information just evaporated.

I feel guilty that I didn't get everything I could for Sparkle.  And then I feel guilty for wanting even more information when we have so much more than many adoptive families. 

But when it's your kid, anything less than everything seems like not enough. 

Maybe I could make up for not being there when he was in the hospital for six weeks if I could at least explain to him why it happened. 

Questions About First Family, Revisited

We're reaching some new territory for us in how we talk about family and adoption.

In the past we have not volunteered any information about our children's first families and we've side-stepped direct inquires politely.  I described some reasons for this in a previous post about our decision not to share our children's stories in great detail.  (Another post on that topic found here.)  We tell our part of the story happily-- how we wondered and waited, then met them and were thrilled.  But their part of the story-- their families and the circumstances of their adoptions-- we do not share.

But it's getting a little harder to know what is appropriate to share in different situations.

If you've read much of this blog, you probably already know that we have an open relationship with Pumpkin's first mom, and that she has an infant daughter, Baby A.  (Here are some posts about Baby A here and here.)

Well Pumpkin is almost four, he knows he has a baby sister and it's not a secret.  Certainly we've never told him NOT to talk about her (can you imagine?), and being 3.999 years old, he tells anyone.  We were at Target getting two little outfits to send to Baby A along with the latest batch of pictures and video this week, and Pumpkin told several friendly shoppers, "I have a baby sister!" while brandishing pink flowered baby clothes to demonstrate that she is a Baby! Sister!  Which is totally fine and makes not one lick of difference, and in that situation no explanation is required. 

However a few weeks ago when I was picking up the boys from school, Sparkle said something about... I don't know, some random comment about "my brother"...  and one of the teachers said, "Oh yes, Sparkle was telling me today that he has three brothers!"  She was thinking it was funny that he said that, because obviously he only has one brother!  Sparkle clearly was not upset about it.  It's not like she told him, "No you don't."  I imagine she might have responded to him with something like, "Oh, really?  Three brothers?"  Perfectly kind, but clearly not believing him.

I said (cheerfully, and checking to see if Sparkle could hear me) "Well, he actually does have three brothers.  Pumpkin is his youngest brother, and he has two older brothers in South Africa."  The teacher said, "Ohhhh!" as in "Okay, now that makes sense." 

(Just for clarification, I was checking to see if Sparkle was listening (Silly me.  He is always listening...) because I wanted to know if he was hearing the exchange, which would possibly affect if/how I addressed it with him again later.  I would have said the exact same thing, though, whether he was listening or not.)

And Pumpkin piped up, of course, telling the teacher, "And I have a sister!"  I said, "Yep, Pumpkin has a brother and a sister.  His baby sister lives with her mom in Big City."

So really, it was all fine and dandy.  Teacher didn't say anything inappropriate to me or the kids, my boys were affirmed, and the teacher was educated just a bit.

It did leave me considering if there are some situations when we should sort of preemptively inform people about adoption related stuff, like the fact that they have other siblings.  I don't think that we will, though.  It's probably best to talk to the boys directly about it, to preemptively prepare them.  Besides, lots of kids have family structures that are not made up of a mom, dad and kids all biologically related and all living together.  Do you think it's likely that they'd even be doubted or questioned much about it? 

My other minor dilemma is with closer friends or family who now hear the boys talking about their siblings.  It's only happened three or four times but the conversation goes kind of like this:

Them:  How are your travel plans coming along?  When do you leave for South Africa?

Us: We're almost ready! We're leaving in a few days.  

(Small talk about the boys being excited about the airplane, what we're planning to do there, etc, etc)

Them: Will you see Sparkle's... ummm...  birth-mother...  or anything?  

(They sometimes struggle with knowing how to politely ask, but they are curious because they know that we're in good contact with Pumpkin's family and they're wondering if we know Sparkle's family as well.)

Us: Well, it's looking unlikely at this point, but we're bringing some small gifts, letters, art that Sparkle made, and lots of pictures for them.

Them: Oh, that's cool...  So, why did she give him up?  Do you know what happened?

In the past we were reallyprotective, maybe even over protective, about keeping their stories private.  But, hey, now the boys are pretty darn vocal and they are approaching an age when it's going to be up to them what gets told, when, and to whom.  They don't have a lot of discretion or judgment about it right now, just enthusiasm and openness!  

But now it seems less like people are being nosy and more like they are just genuinely wondering what's up.  Since we're actually goingto South Africa and the boys both occasionally talk about their first families it feels more like a valid question.  It's the same question we've been asked all along, but what's changed is that I've accepted it as an appropriate question (mostly).

I'm stumbling over my answers a bit.  So far regarding Sparkle's family we've said, "Well, his mom had two older boys already and just couldn't take care of another little baby."  But I wonder if that leaves them thinking that Sparkle's mom just thought, "Good lord, another baby?!  Sheesh...  No way am I doing that again!"  Obviously it's more complicated than that.  I don't know for sure how to be honoring to the questioner, Sparkle, and his family all at once.  I'm not always sure what's enough information and what's too much.

Before, we didn't have to think about it because the default response was "no information shared/polite deflection."  We did not really think about what this phase of "they're too young to be totally in charge of sharing their stories, but old enough that they have something to express" would look like, exactly.  I don't know that we even could have anticipated it, or decided in advance.  It's just interesting to me to watch and compare our response as parents to people's questions, and their response as adoptees.

I'm actually not really worried about it.  That surprises me a little!  I think the details of what gets shared with whom and when will gradually sort themselves out.  Actually, I'm very proud of my boys!  They seem to me to have a really age-appropriate and self-confident grasp of adoption so far.  Of course, they're only 5 (and a half!) and 3.999, so who knows what their future understanding of adoption and their expression of their thoughts about it will be.

You know, now that I think about it...  In the interest of full disclosure, now that I've stated how well my kids understand adoption...

Recently Sparkle said to me, "Mom, you have two dads.  God is your father and Grandpa is your step-father!  And I have...  three... no, four dads!  God is my father, and also Jesus, and my birth father is my step-father and Daddy is my other step-father!"

Oh my.  I wonder what his teachers would make of that!

Social Worker E-mail

I just received the direct email address for the social worker who managed Sparkle's file in South Africa.  I think she may actually be the person who wrote his referral. 

We've been trying for a while to connect with someone in the adoption agency who might be able to help us contact Sparkle's first mom.

Suddenly I've got this lady's email address and I'm all tongue tied.  I want to say just the right thing, make our pitch perfectly, so that she'll read it and think, "Well, of course I'll help them!"

Should I be really direct and tell her now exactly what we're hoping for?  Should I just try to secure a generic assurance that she'll help?

I'll definitely send her a picture of Sparkle at his most charming, with his brilliant smile and shining eyes.  Surely that will soften her heart toward us right from the start!

Preemies

A good friend of mine just delivered her twin girls last week.  They were born at 34 weeks gestation and weighed about four and a half pounds each.  They are going great.  They were both getting some extra calories and fat by IV while they learned how to eat.  I don't think they are getting that any longer but I'm not sure.  They are still in the NICU and will be for another week or so.  Then they will be in the regular nursery for a few days and will go home after that.  So, they'll be in the NICU for about two weeks and in the hospital for a total of three weeks more or less.

I'm so glad that they are doing well!  I surely do not envy their family the craziness that their lives are right now, between pumping, nursing, recovering from the birth, trying to conserve vacation time, visiting the twins, and caring for their three year old.  They do have lots of family support and community support. They'll be fine, but it's a hard few weeks for them (probably a hard first year, I imagine).

There is some sadness for me, though. 

It took me a while to identify where this was coming from.  But I think it's a sadness I feel mostly when I compare their experience to Pumpkin's.  He was born at 31 weeks gestation, weighing 3 pounds, 3 ounces.  He was in the NICU for a while.  I'm not sure how long.  I'd have to go back and look at his medical chart, because obviously I was not there.  His mother did visit him a few times, as much as she could. But basically he did not have any loving parent figure to watch over him, worry about him, kangaroo carry him, talk to him and love on him.

Pumpkin did great and grew well. He has absolutely no physical or cognitive issues related to prematurity at all.  (In fact, I can very objectively say that he's probably above average in gross and fine motor skills as well as academic progress for his age.  That's my boy!)  His care was not negligent or inadequate from a medical perspective.

But, man oh man...  I picked that itty bitty baby up from a regular nursery when he was just shy of 34 weeks gestation.  He weighed less than four and a half pounds at the time.  I got maybe five minutes of random discharge instructions from a nurse.  He had just been circumcised (we had asked that he NOT be circumcised, poor little preemie dude) and had a Hep B immunization.  The nurses were awesome and gave me as much sample high-calorie formula as they could find.  Then, a few days later, I carried that itty bitty baby through several airports, exposing him to who knows what kinds of crazy viruses and diseases.  (I remember that I didn't pee that day, because airport bathrooms?  Yuck!)

Pumpkin didn't have any particular preemie follow up.  He did get special shots to prevent him from getting RSV his first winter.  I fed him as much as he would eat whenever he would eat it. 

I went back to work full time when he was technically still supposed to be a fetus.  He weighed about five pounds when he started going to daycare. 

We don't have any family here, so it was just Beloved and I caring for 18 month old Sparkle and preemie Pumpkin, while both of us were working.  (I did cut back by hours when Pumpkin was about four months old.)  We were pretty much winging it, frankly.

Looking back now, I can't believe we did that.  It's amazing how darn unscathed my Pumpkin is.  It's amazing that he didn't catch any horrible respiratory illnesses.  We were truly, truly blessed. 

But anyway, I was thinking about how those little twin girls were born gestationally older and weighing more than Pumpkin was when I took him home!  They have had a mom and dad and grandparents loving on them since before they were born.  Their family will be busy, but they have a lot of support.

Do you think the fact that the twins are followed so closely has anything to do with the fact that they are the children of white married middle-class well-insured parents?  Would things be different if they were black parentless state-insured babies? 

I really feel that Pumpkin specifically and our family in general were watched over by God when he was really little.  That, and we were freakin' lucky.

Even though everything turned out fine, it just makes me sad that there was no one watching out for Pumpkin in the hospital.  We were longing for him and praying for him all along, but we didn't know who he was or where he was.  I wish we could have been there for him.

(If you'd like to read more about Pumpkin's adoption story, you can find it here and here.)