Being a Conspicuous Family in South Africa?

We're planning our trip to South Africa now, which is very exciting.  Someone else (a travel agent we know in South Africa) is going the nitty-gritty stuff for us, like making reservations at places where we'll stay, getting a car, and that kind of thing.  Nice... 

I've been thinking about what it will be like to be a conspicuous family in South Africa.  When we met Sparkle there, I occasionally felt surprised by reactions we got.  Looking back, I'm not sure if I was surprised by the responses themselves, or just surprised because being conspicuous was new to us. 

And actually, there really were not that many times when anyone seemed to care in the least.  No one congratulated us or thanked us (like I've heard adoptive parents with children from China talk about).  A few (Black) workers in a restaurant were curious about our story and asked us if we really loved Sparkle.  They made mildly disapproving noises about the idea of a mother placing a child for adoption.  Once an older white lady kind of hissed at us when she looked in our stroller and saw that our baby wasn't white.  Very weird. 

But overall, not that many people seemed to notice our family, which was fine with us.  Except that sometimes I could not believe that not every single person wanted to stop and coo over this baby who was clearly the most adorable infant ever.

Here in the U.S., I think we handle being a conspicuous family pretty well.  Mostly, we just...  act like a family.  I don't want to blow off the significance of being aware of surroundings and aware of trying to make sure our kids don't get the spotlight put on them, but sometimes (often, even) what works best is to refuse to be uncomfortable.  We mostly do our thing, expecting to be treated well and not be questioned.  If someone wants to act like our family is odd or whatever, we don't necessarily make it easy for them. 

When someone asks, for example,  "Are they brothers?"  we feel totally okay with giving them a long, confused, blank look...  (long enough for them to feel just a bit uncomfortable)  And then saying, "Yes!"

(Here's another post about that question in particular, from a mini-set of postings in the category Adoption FAQ.)

That's kind of a simplistic summary, but you get the drift. 

I'm not sure if that's how it will work in South Africa.  I'm not sure what to expect.  Here, I don't feel too much obligation to satisfy people's curiosity.  But maybe in South Africa we might need to plan on being "adoption ambassadors" just a bit more?  Maybe we should be more open, knowing that many people in South Africa need to see a positive picture of adoption?  I just don't know.

(Are they brothers?  Are you kidding me?  They're so darn brotherly I can hardly stand it!  I so wish this picture was clearer because I love it!  But it's fun anyway, even if it is blurry.)

Comments

[Krissy Poopyhands]

GAH! Cute kids!

You know, I totally hear everything that you've said and I understand wanting to present a positive picture. The thing is, just by being you guys and doing exactly what you do you present the very best positive face of adoption.

You are such a happy family. Your kids are so friggin cute and you all are so cute together. You certainly haven't presented anything other than a tip-top adoption embassador here that I've seen.

It's nice of you to think about it, but you all are such a great family. I'd just do what you do.

I am so looking forward to hearing about the trip!

[Leh]

Finally - a travel update! I was starting to worry the trip was canceled. I love having a travel agent (only had this once - longer story) but makes travel really stress free. I think your comment on adoption ambassadors is right on. Your boys are too cute

[Angela]

I understand (since it's another country and "their" country and one does not want to be rude)...I'm sure you'll be fine though..you seem to have a good grasp on fielding people w/out being offensive and I'm sure there you'll know (or get that "feeling" when enough is enough) -

Me, personally, I'd probably be more "open" and "friendly" to those who are inquisitive simply because I'd be on their "soil" (as long as it doesn't make my daughter uncomfortable of course) and just use a lot of humor or changing of conversation topics. I did the same in my own country when I visited because although i was born there I haven't been part of the culture for many years...so I took it slow and just smiled a lot!LOL

Play it by ear I guess and don't be hard on yourself...you'll find your balance after a few encounters!LOL

[Kohana]

Travel Agent - GREAT!

I've found that here in Sydney, we seem to be quite conspicuous. Mixed race families don't seem uncommon, but I haven't seen any other transracial adoptive families since we got here. So far we're just being us and giving the "blank" look when people look at us. I assume that as we get to know people, we'll probably be doing a lot of patient educating.

I think it's quite possible to be friendly and polite without opening yourself up to a lot of questions. I think it's in the way we project ourselves. :) But maybe you want to make connections and open yourselves up while you're there? I can't wait to hear more about it!