Pumpkin and the Toilet

Blogging feels difficult lately.  How many times can a blogger write, "We're really busy.  Things are fine and the kids are great, but I don't have the time or energy to write about anything, even when things are fabulous."  Hmmm, not that exciting to read, eh? 

Pumpkin is driving me crazy.  He'll be dry all day at school, then come home and wet his pants.  Or (even worse) poop in his pants.  I hate it!  It's really hard for me to not let my frustration show.  Actually, I'm quite sure Pumpkin can see my frustration.  What I'm hoping for is that he doesn't sense anger from me.  Though I have felt anger about it at times.  I've contemplated at what age a child might need some sort of negative consequence for refusing to use the toilet, rather than the promise of rewards for appropriate behavior. 

(Don't worry, there have been no negative consequences.  Yet...  Other than having his poopy Lightning McQueen underwear thrown away, which I think is pretty much just a logical consequence, not punishment.  I cannot wash truly poopy underwear.  The thought of handling it or putting it in my wash machine grosses me out.  It gets thrown away.)

Usually rewards and positive reinforcement work well for Pumpkin.  He's a bit upset about time outs, but he's stubborn enough that they don't bother him much.  In fact, I think most of our discipline issues with Pumpkin (though, honestly, he's mostly an "easy" kid to parent, so there aren't many issues), come from his stubbornness. 

Sparkle is heartbroken when we're upset with him, and his apologies are so genuine.  We can just feel and see how hard Sparkle works to make good decisions and control himself.  It's harder for him, so sometimes it seems "harder" to parent him, but his heart is so soft! 

Pumpkin, on the other hand, is easy-going.  He has a long attention span, he catches on to things easily, and he just naturally follows the lead of teachers and parents fairly easily.  He seems "easier" to parent most of the time.  But...  He'll act upset about being sent to time-out, but his tears are mostly for show.  He can dry his tears in a second.  When time-out is over and a parent comes to have the brief talk with him that happens after every time-out, he's already looking over our shoulders, anxious to get back to playing.  His apologies are very, "I'msorry.Willyouforgiveme?CanIgoplaynow?" and his post-time-out reconciliation hug is brief.

So, in some important ways, he's "harder" to parent.  I very much want him to develop a true desire to be in agreement with us as his parents.  I want to see real repentance, rather than going through the motions of asking for forgiveness.

How did all of this come out of my frustration with toilet training?!

I understand that he wants to be in control of this, and he'll do it when he's ready, on his terms, the stubborn little booger.  How can I convince him that he's READY, it's TIME ALREADY!?

He's not sick or constipated.  He's not afraid of the toilet.  He is physically mature enough.  He is aware of his body and I believe he knows when he needs to go.  He resists reminders and really resists when we actually bring him to bathroom when we can see that he needs to go.  We've tried setting a timer and taking him every 30 minutes, regardless.  We've offered the egg reward every time he goes, and a bigger reward (a new Lightning McQueen figure!) for a full day clean and dry.  Ugh.  Grandma!!  Come back!  We need you!!

Comments

[Corey]

Potty stuff is hard.

I would try an "unobtrusive reminder" (like the timer on the microwave, or hand-held dial timer). Have it go off every x minutes, with the understanding that when it goes off, it's Potty Time! He can earn out of the reminder when he has 3 days dry in a row, and it's easy to reinstate when needed.

I had one that pooped his pants on purpose (6) but it seemed to clear up when I handed him a bar of soap and he had to wash them in the toilet. This Mama doesn't clean poopy underwear either.

[Krissy Poopyhands]

Sweet pea, my sweet pea. When Pumpkin is looking over your shoulder going "Yeah, yeah fine. Yes, okay whatever" I want you to think of yourself as a kid in high school trying to peer pressure him into doing something. I want you to think of yourself as the countless faces he will run into who will tell him he can't succeed.

There are kids who are pleasers and kids who are not. Kids who are pleasers are much easier to parent, they are generally-speaking more pusher-arounable. The kids who are not are hard to parent, but shit, when they get out into the world get out of their WAY.

Every successful person I know at one point or another had to decide they didn't give a crap what those in authority think. The most successful ones are the folks who figured it out soonest, how to walk the walk enough to follow the rules but how to not internalize the bumps along the way. The people in this world who look to themselves for their view of who they are are infinately healthier than those of us who rely on others.

Now, if he was spitting at you or refusing time-out, that's defiance. Instead, what he's done is very cleverly figured out the lowest amount he has to suffer to appease the Gods of his life and is interested in getting on with it.

I would argue that that's outrageous healthy. Wallace went through a phase where time out hurt his feelings. I worried about him a lot then. I worried that he'd be someone for whom a dark look or simple consequence would be shattering. Instead it was a phase and now he's back to *sigh* on the naughty step and a quick hug "sorry" after it's over, then he's on to other things.

In our house we have a saying, "You don't gotta mean it, you just have to say it".

If the time out is stopping the behavior then however he's responding, it's working. If it's not, you have to look for bigger guns.

May I suggest, having been there O LO I HAVE BEEN THERE with the potty traning regression lately, that the very best response, the very best, is to throw out the egg timer, stop discussing it, and go out and buy a buttload of kids underpants so you can throw it away when it happens and forget about it?

Either he's looking for a response, in which case everything you do to try and stop it just feeds the monster, or he genuinely is not ready, in which case there's nothing for it but poopy underpants until he is.

When Wallace regressed last month and started peeing in his pants (he did it two nights ago, in fact) at first I got very upset and did everything wrong. Now that I've made it a non-issue it's finally subsiding.

Finally.

You have my one thousand sympathies.

[Leah]

I think your heart/attitude is in the right place and poopy pants should be thrown in the trash. We will be praying for Pumpkin!

[Heidi-happy mom]

I feel like Sam will have a couple of good months and then completely revert and start all over again. He is almost 4 and this week, he has gone through every pair of underwear in one day!

that whole egg idea sounds great, but at this point, I am done with the rewards, and I have no idea. of course that isn't true, it is just so hard, and very frustrating. we just reward at the end of the day now, any accidents nothing, but if he has had a clean day, he gets strawberry milk. the girls still get a sipper of milk before bed, so he wants in on the deal, so we just decided that strawberry milk was a treat, and could be earned.

I don't know, the kids doesn't seem to care at all, but last fall he was potty trained, don't ask me what changed, I have no idea!

fill me in when you figure it out.

[Laundry & Children]

I remember when Nicholas used to do the same thing. Dry all day then wet before we got home. Here is what I did, for what it's worth. I insisted that he go to the bathroom right before we walked out the door at pre-school. That helped a little. The deal with Nicholas was that he liked the one-on-one time that he got with Mommy when I was changing his diaper. So our deal became that I would sit with him as long as he needed me to when he was trying to go potty, but he had to change his own wet pull-ups and clothes all by himself. That happened exactly once before we started using the potty regularly. Potty with Mommy was much more appealing than wet and alone. At school, he used the potty because it meant getting back to toys faster, at him wetting himself got time with Mommy. So the point of all of this is that maybe Pumpkin has something motivating him to be wet at home. Maybe the bathroom is boring and a few books will help. Maybe he wants company. You know your child best. Also, the "negative" re-enforcement of having to deal with his own wet mess made Nicholas think twice about having accidents at home. It was more of having him take responsiblity rather than punishment. We still had some accidents after this, but they were truely accidents and not cries for attention.

[Leigh]

We went through a similar thing with Cody. For the longest we just had to clean underwear, sheets, etc. Mostly he'd forget at home, but sometimes during the day. It can be frustrating especially if its in the middle of the night or if they just don't want to go and they have to.

He finally outgrew up, but what really helped was letting him get in the tub and clean himself up while I watched. He hated touching wet drawers and begged me to do it.

I like what one of your comments said, Krissy Poopyhands, such wise words about kids.

[wendy]

I've had two sons (who are similar in personality) just not give a darn about potty-training. Ryland was 3.5 and saying that he would wears diapers when he was a daddy. And suddenly one day shortly thereafter, he changed his tune and potty-trained. Ezra did not care at all until he was 3 months away from his FOURTH birthday and he realized that his little friend was potty-trained. He trained pretty quickly after that. Some kids just do not care. But it doesn't make it less stressful for us moms, does it? He'll get the hang of it. Don't worry. You sound like you are handling the situation well, though. Natural consequences are my favorite way of parenting (though I must admit to using less-desirable forms of parenting sometimes, too).

You are a great mom, Amanda!