Adjustments

Lately I find myself surprised by things that have not happened in my life.  It's not a depression, or really true regret.  I'm just mildly shocked with myself.

I think it has to do with Sparkle turning five years old in just over a month.  Five years is just one year short of 1/3 of the time he will be living in our home. Maybe by the time he's 16 I'll be thinking, "Lordy, how much longer is this crazy person going to be around?  Can we move on, here?" 

But right now I'm stunned by how freaking grown up he is, and wondering how this possibly could have happened.  I'm realizing that we don't have forever to do some of the things I always thought we'd do.

This is kind of a silly example, but I always thought my kids would have pets.  I grew up with three or four animals in our home all the time, in some combination of cats and dogs, with occasional fish and hamsters.  It never occurred to me that we would be a pet-less household, yet that's what we seem to be.  When the boys were babies we didn't have time for an animal, but I thought, "We'll get one when they're a little older."  Well, here they are, a little older, but we don't seem to have any more time, and I still haven't given them a pet.

I can't believe they haven't been in more swimming lessons.  I can't believe we haven't taken them to Glacier National Park.  I can't believe they've both been in daycare at least four days a week since they were babies.  I can't believe we don't have a sandbox (Are they past the age for sandboxes?  Have we completely missed our sandbox opportunity?).  I can't believe they only see their grandparents a few times a year. 

Before the boys somehow grew into these crazy preschoolers, I never would have thought all of those things would still be true by time my kids were this age.

You know, having left this post alone for while and come back to it a few times, I think I'm also just a little stunned that possibilities I was holding for myself for "later" are actually passing. 

It's silly because (hello?) it's impossible to have it all.  Supposedly we can, but really?  Not so much.  Shouldn't I have truly realized that by now? 

And not having it all isn't bad.  I can absolutely be completely happy without having all the education, travel, money, career, time, or experiences I could ever want.  I'm not even going to talk about the three kids/two kids issue, because even I'm tired of hearing myself rambling on about that.  I'm sick of hearing myself think about it in my own crazy brain at this point, frankly.

I love my job, but I can't believe I'm working so much.  I always thought I'd eventually back off my schedule to be home more.  I can't believe how few books I've read in the last year.  I can't believe our family hasn't been on a fun vacation longer than a weekend EVER (other than visits to see family, which kind of count, but not really).  I can't believe I haven't taken any classes outside of my field since I finished school.  I can't believe I stopped running, after running five days a week for forever.

Again, I'm not too upset, just surprised.  Sometimes life just needs to pause briefly while you reassess where you're headed and make some adjustments.  It's normal and healthy.  You all do this, too, right? 

I enjoy my life and my family.  I'd like to make a few changes, but I'm not sure how to adjust without some other important things falling apart.

I'll be working on it...

Comments

[Mindy]

This sums up a lot of how I've felt, too...I can't believe I haven't gotten the girls into dance or gymnastics, I can't believe we spend so much time in the house, I can't believe we don't have more days away from the house as a family,...lots and lots of things. So, yep, I'm in a pause and reassess phase, too.

--Min

[Angela]

Hummm...this one hits home for me because I'm having an existatialist crisis of sorts (mostly in my head...but it's HAPPENING!LOL)

I had these ideas of how things would be too and although I'm not unhappy or depressed that they didn't happen I look around me sometimes and wonder:

1. ummm...shouldn't I have several kids running around (I wanted a large family and it looks like we'll only have one)
2. ummm....shouldn't I be at a certain point professionally speaking (and here I am trying to decide what "else" to do...torn between two options)
3. ummm...shouldn't my kid have mastered her ballet lessonw by now (she is the oldest in her class...sigh)
4. ummm...shouldn't I be more "centered" and less anxiety ridden...umm...NO!LOL
5. ummm...shouldn't I have come to terms w/ my religous/spiritual choices (or lack thereof) but no...still feeled w/ angst and doubt.

So yeah..I get get it. I'm in the process of letting some (ok..many) things go and trying to change/acquire the ones that really do matter to me. But there are some (like the bigger family one) that although it doesn't look like it will happen (at least I don't "think" it will...I wonder if I'll always feel like I'll miss it. Like in a parallel world I'd be that mom w/ the bunch of kids trailing her...oh well...gotta work on my "reality!"

[Angela]

darn...I really need to start previewing my posts...that last paragraph is confusing...then again..that is the state of my mind latelyLOL

[haze]

Ah yes, the best laid plans.....

I don't have kids yet, but I can relate to what your wrote. I look at my life and wonder, what happened to the life I was PLANNING on having - the one where I'm married with 6 kids? Sometimes I think about that and feel sorry for myself because I think I've lost something - but in the meantime I AM living MY LIFE - RIGHT NOW! And the more I whinge about what I think I was SUPPOSED to do with it, the more I waste and lose sight of the GREAT LIFE I DO HAVE! And the wonderful things I have to look forward to with this beautiful child who will be coming into my life.

I'm glad you are not upset, and only surprised by how things have turned out so far. Because in the end, the # of days vacation, the lack of a sandbox - none of it's important. Your boys love you, you have a loving husband, you are blessed.

Thank you for writing about this - I enjoyed thinking about it and commenting. I always love your honesty and candor.

[Leah]

You are never too old for a sand box and every boy needs a dog. I love that you don't run anymore b/c I thought I was the only one :)

[cloudscome]

You just need to get a really big sandbox. :) Kids love to dig forever. Pets are better when they are 5+ too, IMO.

I find myself continually amazed that we got here so fast. They are not babies any more? When did that happen?

[Heidi-happy mom]

time flys when your having fun, right?

I have been talking about swimlessons for my kids since Sam was around 6 months and I was positivily going to sign us up for the mom and me. He has never had any swim lessons.

and pets, we are a hopeful pet-less family, but I know my kids would love one, but they are so much work.

we take vacations but we count family visits as vacations because well we can't do everything.

It is crazy how it all flys and you wonder where it all went and what happened to the time.

Just make sure you are happy with what is happening and that you are having great family time. that is what matters.

[Heather]

Oh man, do I ever get it. I have these same thoughts. For some reason-- the turning *5* thing seems really huge. K & O are turning 4 in March, but already Braydon and I lie in bed awake saying, 'Oh my God, they are turning 5 next year!!!?!?!'... many of the same things you wrote about in your post go through our minds. We just stare at them playing and tear up thinking about it all. Like you said-- it isn't depression. It is just thoughts swirling with no sense of how to dot all the i's and cross all the t's. We try to cram as much as we possibly can into our life-- but then we worry we're trying to cram too much in. We slow down-- but then we worry we're missing out on once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. It is crazy-making. Just wanted you to know that we get it.
HBJ

[Heather]

Oh man, do I ever get it. I have these same thoughts. For some reason-- the turning *5* thing seems really huge. K & O are turning 4 in March, but already Braydon and I lie in bed awake saying, 'Oh my God, they are turning 5 next year!!!?!?!'... many of the same things you wrote about in your post go through our minds. We just stare at them playing and tear up thinking about it all. Like you said-- it isn't depression. It is just thoughts swirling with no sense of how to dot all the i's and cross all the t's. We try to cram as much as we possibly can into our life-- but then we worry we're trying to cram too much in. We slow down-- but then we worry we're missing out on once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. It is crazy-making. Just wanted you to know that we get it.
HBJ