Birthday Partys for Kids?

Sparkle's birthday is coming up, and I don't know what to do about a party.

I often dislike kid's birthday parties, don't you?

Lots of them seem to be very logo/commercial/disney oriented, which isn't such a big deal, but I hate that it makes birthdays into something for which parents need to buy lots of branded stuff. 

I also dislike how gifts are done at lots of parties.  Sometimes there are HUGE stacks of presents. What ends up happening is that there are too many gifts so the child ends up tearing open one gift, only to drop it and tear into the next gift, maybe throwing a hasty thank-you to the giver (usually prompted by parents).  The other kids want to play with all the cool new toys, but they really can't because they are the birthday child's new things.  (Or, the birthday child gets all crazy because she is busy opening more new gifts, but she doesn't want anyone else touching her discarded new things in the meantime, so she yells, "Mine!  Mine!" and desperately clutches a few toys while trying to open more.  Lovely.)

And speaking of gifts, I've seen some awful gifts for children at a few parties lately.  One little girl who was turning three got a plastic vanity with plastic jewelry and plastic combs.  Nothing like teaching her early that accessorizing and preening and obsessing over her appearance is fun, appropriate, and expected.  Hello?!  She's three!  Not that I'm judging.  (Okay, I'm judging.)  (Just so you know, if my kids are invited to your kid's party, they will get a book or art supplies.  Try not to be too disappointed.)

Both Beloved and I grew up with very low-key birthdays in our families.  In my family, the birthday kid was awakened by the rest of the family sneaking into her bedroom and singing Happy Birthday.  When we were younger there was always a box of sugary cereal at the foot of the bed.  (We usually just had boring, plain old generic Cheerios or Wheaties, so this was a special treat.)  When we got older, we got a six pack of pop (also a special treat).  In Beloved's family, the birthday kid got to choose dinner.

For our boys, we've continued the tradition of waking them up with the whole family singing Happy Birthday, and a box of cereal at the foot of the bed.  Any "party" has been very low-key, maybe having a few friends over to play (just to play, nothing like games planned around a theme or anything), with cake and ice cream, and singing Happy Birthday.

In the past, I have requested that any friends who come NOT bring a birthday gift.  I figure my kids have enough stuff. I don't want them to look forward to birthday because they will get gifts, but because we celebrate them and take a special day to focus on how important they are in our family.  But especially last year, when we had three friends over to celebrate Sparkle's fourth birthday, the parents seemed almost uncomfortable with not bringing a gift.

And sweet Sparkle is really looking forward to his fifth birthday this year.  He would love to have a party at the bounce arena or in the gymnastics bus.  He's old enough to have actual friends these days, instead of just the children of our friends, and there are more of them than I'd like to have in my house for a party. 

So I don't know...  What do you do for parties?  What did you do as a kid yourself and what do you do for your kids?  Should I have a "big" birthday party this year, and then parties maybe just when they turn 5, 10, and 15?  (I definitely don't want to do a big party every year.)  What do you think of the "one guest for every year of the child's age" policy?  Is it okay to ask that people not bring gifts, or should I just get over it?  Is he old enough that parents should drop off their kids and pick them up later, or will the parents stay for the party? 

Darn it, kids just get more and more complicated as they get older. 

Comments

[queermom]

i totally agree with the birthday party dilemmas. i know parents are uncomfortable with the idea of not bringing gifts so i've suggested books. it's always great to have a new selection of books...and soon enough they'll be reading themselves.
as for a non-disney'd party (i'm dreading the day we get an invite to a McD's party) i've had a couple fun parties for my son. i met a teacher that did djembe drumming workshops in the school board and he brought 20 drums, and various other african instruments, mostly from mali and west africa. the kids loved learning different drumming patterns. the drumming instructor got everyone drumming. i got the kids each a tambourine and made a mixed cd of dexi's fav. music, lots of which was from mali or benin. this year we went to a wave pool. we got to swim for an hour and then had the party room for 45 min. it was definitely enough time. all parents stayed of course.
that's my 2cents :)

[bek]

me too... we usually do Costco Pizza at the park w/ a Pinata. We put on a good spread of food for the adults and it becomes like a picnic. We often just open the presents later at home. If there are only a few people, we might do it there, but usually we just do it later.

The trend here is to have an activity (ie, the party is at the nail salon, the pottery place, the ballet class...etc). Strange, but it works. It lasts about 90 minutes and everyone goes home.

I will say that as children get older, it is important to me as a parent that my kids experience GETTING something for someone else. It is just as much a lesson for them to pick something out of the store and give it away. That is why I like giving gifts. Theme parties work too...ie a book party (everyone brings books) or "experience" partys (everyone brings a small gift card..etc)....

It is a dillema, but I like it when we have the adults there and can visit while the kids run around the playground.... good luck!

[beagle]

I heard a suggestion on some how to show or another recently that a guide for kids parties is to invite the number of (kid) guests equal to the child's age.

I have no idea if that idea is workavble or not.

(If I ever get there) I think I'd be inclined to do a family do and a kids/friends do, keeping both kind of small.

I also like the idea of donating an old toy (to a shelter or care center or whatever) for every new toy you get. It teaches charity, that along with getting, giving matters too.

All that said, Happy upcoming Birthday to Sparkle!

[Laundry & Children]

At our house, we view birthdays as a celebration of the person not of things. We do have a party, but until they are 6, the party is family and a few close family friends (mostly more adults). Between grandparents, great-grand parents, aunts, uncles and cousins, just family can get pretty big at our house. At 6, we started having a kid party, but we keep it sane. Unlike many kids in Rachel's class, we do not invite the entire class. Hello! That is 27 kids! And these parents are doing parties at The Bounce House, Build-A-Bear and Chucky Cheese. My mind reels just thinking about it.

Last year we did have a party for 6 of Rachel's friends (6 years = 6 friends) at a paint your own pottery place. We only went off the reservation because we were in the middle of an election and I was 6 months pregnant. This year we are back home and we are having a sleep over with 3 friends. The number of guests goes down the longer the party and over night is a looooong party.

I think the gift thing is totally up to you. We do allow gifts, but we do a toy box purging the week before the party and donate the out grown toys to our church. I also set up a Wish List on Amazon this year and put it right in the invitation how people could find it. I found that this way we got a lot of the kinds of gifts that we would have bought for Nicholas (i.e. books, learning games, and quiet toys).

Hope this helps. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPARKLE!!!!

[Laundry & Children]

One other thing. As far as decorations go, we many print out pictures of the kids on our computer from the past year and tape them up around the house. It is great to remind them of all that has happened in the last year and to see how much they have grown. Pictures and a couple dozen helium balloons make for a very festive party.

[Leigh]

I think we are a conditioned society. I've asked for people to not give Cody gifts, and they completely ignore my wishes and bring something anyway. We've only done a couple of parties (2) and have invited mostly family and friends. There are a lot of kids in the family, so he always has some kids to play with.

As far as staying, I think a parent needs to stick around when kids are younger. The hostess should not be expected to watch everyone's kids and host the party too.

[Krissy Poopyhands]

Before I publish this I just want to officially state for the record that I think you are a fantastic family and a wonderful parent and you do so many things just exactly like how I would do them if I had my head out of my ass at any given moment. I seriously think you are awesome.

On this one issue, we differ dramatically.

I am now going to make myself unpopular. Ready? Here we go!

__

Traditionally, a birthday party, particularly one for children, involves the giving of gifts. That is what we as a society do. You, personally, can feel about that however you want, but dictating to your guests what they can and cannot bring for your child is, in my opinion, quite rude.

They are uncomfortable because you are asking them to go against every social norm and instinct. People enjoy picking out things that they think your kid will like and are naturally uncomfortable with the suggestion that their instinct to get your kid something to celebrate their birthday is Wrong, Evil and Materialistic. By telling people not to buy gifts you are telling them that you are less into materials and, therefore, better. You will HELP them to treat your children in a more reasonable manner. The open judgement abounds.

It's hard, as someone who enjoys giving kids presents on their birthday, to look at that without eye-rolling and snorting.

Imagine it the other way around. Imagine there is someone who feels truly that love is expressed through the expense of gifts. Imagine they sent you an invite to a party but listed a minimum in price of gift they would accept. Or imagine they said, "We know that some of you are less wealthy, so we suggest cash".

Rude.

Any attempt to dictate to party guests what they should and should not bring is rude.

If you do not want presents (which is absolutely your right), do not have a birthday party. Full-stop.
__

As another argument, wanting to celebrate the person and not the gifts is fine, however most of us grew up getting presents for our birthday from friends and most of us have not turned into whores for the man. There are benefits to learning that all year long you give to others on their birthday, and your turn comes, too.

There are good things about learning how to think about the person getting the gift and whether or not they'd like it. Learning to be thoughtful, empethetic and a good gifter is not a bad thing.

Are you planning on letting the boys go to someone else's party? Are you going to let them be the only ones not bringing a gift? You do know that the other kids will notice and say something to them eventually, yeah?

Every family is different, and if it doesn't bother you that at other kids' parties the boys go to the host get gifts and yet at the boys' parties they don't, then fine. I, personally, would be uncomfortable sending my kid that message.

There's a bit of a social pariah setup going, there.

I think that the one kid per year of age is great, unless you want more, in which case have more there. Or unless you want fewer kids, in which case have fewer kids.

I also think that five is just over the cusp of when you can reasonably expect kids to behave at a party without mom and dad there. I probably wouldn't leave my kid at a party unsupervised at five years old unless it was a family party, because I wouldn't trust that my kid would behave hopped-up on cake and because I'm a hoverer, but I know people that would absolutely trust their kids at that age and wouldn't think twice about leaving them at a party.

If it were me, I'd invite parents but know that one or two (through resonable trust or blind ignorance), will use party time to drop their kids off and run a few errands.

What it honestly sounds like, and this is absolutely judgement-free, is that you don't want to throw a party. Which is absolutely 100% fine. Have a family party! Don't do gifts! Make a special Birthday Boy dinner!

However, if you want to throw Sparkle a party, just throw him a party. If he loves Cars, throw him a Cars party. Let the branding rage and the materialistic grandstanding go, and just throw him a kid's birthday party.

___

Look, I just want to be clear that everything I've just said applies to birthday PARTIES in which outsiders are expected to participate, not how you as a family celebrate your child's birthday. I think being woken up with a birthday song and a box of sugary cereal is just about the cutest thing I've ever heard and something that your kids will pass down for generations to come. That kind of thing is awesome.

It's a perfect example of how personally and deeply you love your children and how great it is that you have that and remember it.

My objections come at people's willingness to take something that has a preset societal construct, like a kid's birthday party, and turn it into a sermon to others on Gifting Appropriateness.

___________

Oh, and for the record, some three year old girls LOVE sparkly princess plastic things. Some little boys LOVE tonka dump trucks. Getting them something they love isn't and attempt to cram them into gender roles, it's getting them something they love. A little preschool girl has a right to be a doctor or a truck driver, and she also has the right to be a fairy princess.

[Krissy Poopyhands]

Oh, and also for the record, art supplies are AWESEOME.

[Violet]

This is the first year that I've ever been in charge of a kid's birthday party (my adopted now-8 year old) and I was freaking out quite a bit. Making it worse was that we had just MET him about a month earlier AND he was new to his school (and thus we weren't sure if anyone would come!)

In the end, we decided to keep it low-key and simple. The kids all brought snowpants and their sleds and spent much of the day on the hill across from our house. Came back, drank hot chocolate, ate cake, played a bit on the Wii and... that was it! Easy-peasy!

I vote for outdoor stuff like sledding (in cold climates) or swimming or a sports park.. and cake. Always cake.

I have no advice on the gift part, however.

[Patricia]

I've done three parties now for my son (age 6) age 3- Shrek party, age 4 - superheros, age 6 - pirates.
I've tried to keep the numbers down to reasonable (but he has so many best friends!!) Last fall he melted down at his party...the stress was too much even though we just played some games in the basement and went over to the park for exercise. Next year, I am probably only going to have a couple of friends over to do something like go to the science centre.

I grew up with home parties and loved it and wanted to share that with my son but maybe once he gets older now.

As for gifts, if it is a themed party at all it makes it easier to get gifts that your child is liable to like. Or I do not find it at all rude to ask for books (or lego!) only - most parents of younger kids love to have something easy to buy! And often a book can be exchanged or re-gifted if you end up with a duplicate...
My best friend's son at an early age (probably 6) was happy with people bringing a donation that went to a charity (animal or human) and the family matched it so it was significant. One of my son's friends did this for his 5th birthday!

Loot bags are my demon though! I go to the chinese dollar store and find a bunch of cool fridge magnets or coloured stones and put them in a bag with a tiny bit of candy. I would love to dispense with that tradition completely but...

And pinata's are the WORST!! Talk about creating a frenzy of greed and the worst kind of candy mongering....stay away - far away!

Other trick is to not open the gifts at the party but after the party is over and you are alone. Then thank-you cards are the way to go.

BTW, theme parties make for great photo ops if the kids come dressed as something like pirates!!

[Heather]

Hiya!
Well, I can totally understand all of your angst about birthdays because I have many of the same 'issues' when it comes to MY *OWN* birthday. However... when it comes to Kyle and Owen, I have found that for the past couple of years I've LOVED throwing a big bash for their b-day and they have LOVED having it. Supposedly the "rule of thumb" is to invite as many kids as the child is old (i.e., when they are turning 2 you invite 2 of their friends; when turning 10 you invite 10 of their friends; etc.) However, we have not gone by that rule at all -- We invite basically anyone and everyone that K & O want to come. Their guest list has been virtually the same for their 2nd and 3rd birthdays and they've already told me their list many times already for their upcoming 4th b-day party in May. The list includes family friends w/ kids, a couple of family friends w/out kids (single people and older people who K & O adore), and a some friends from school. For the past couple of years there have been about 15 kids there (plus all of their parents and some of their siblings - lots of people!). This year the list includes about 20 kids (tons of people)! It is crazy, but K & O love it, so we're all for it. We do cake and an ice-cream-make-your-own-sundae "bar" (we put bowls of sprinkles, m&ms, cherries, whipped cream, etc. out on a table and let everyone make their own cake-ice-cream-sundae). Other than that the only food we have is a big bowl of some popcorn or other small snack. We have juice boxes for the kids, a big huge jug of rum punch for the adults (and we do a "cheers" w/ rum punch to K & O's birthmother and Haiti), and lots of bottles of water for whoever wants them. We have a pinata and lots of balloons. And we do something extra special-- the first year we had a local folk band play (we paid $100 for them to play for a couple hours in our yard), last year we rented one of those huge moon bounce things and set it up in our yard (we paid $75 for it for the weekend from a carnival rental place). Mostly, though, the kids just have tons of fun and the adults enjoy the get together. We collect the presents in the house (out of site, out of mind) and open them after everyone leaves. And we always send our kid guests home with party favors (beaded necklaces, sound makers, bubbles, etc. that I buy super cheap from Oriental Trading Post . com) that K & O call their "presents" for their friends. We have a BLAST and it is a major highlight of the year for K, O, and our whole family. So, that's *us*. We've also been to some very very cool b-day parties lately because K & O are now in a Waldorf school and their Waldorf friends' families have been doing some very interesting b-day parties (with zero commercialized branded products, etc.). Here are some of the best so far:
* B-Day party at a local nature center- The Peace Valley Nature Center- which included collecting bugs in a field and going on a nature walk.
* B-Day party at a local Japanese Restaurant which included live Hibachi cooking by Japanese chefs and lots of Japanese foods, party favors, etc.
* B-Day party at a friend's house which included a pizza party, then decorate-your-own-cupcake, then a walk to a duck pond where everyone got to feed the ducks.
At all three of these parties the gifts were just collected and then opened after the party was all over and we had all gone home.
I love bringing gifts to parties because I think it is important for K & O to go to the store, choose a gift for their friend, wrap it and decorate it, make a card, etc. They give gifts all year on the b-day party 'circuit' and then on their b-day they get them. It would be very awkward for me to be invited to a b-day party where we weren't supposed to bring a gift because I don't know how I'd explain that to K & O.
I'd say let your kids lead the way, enjoy the party planning, and see where you end up. As long as it is a day genuinely for *them* then you really can't go wrong!
Let us know what you decide to do!
:)
Heather

[steph]

I also grew up in a strictly whole-grain cereal household and Fruit Loops were my "candy" for road trips. I thought we were just weird. ;)

[Leah]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
So I 2x love parties, but mostly I love my own birthday party...not to big into planning other people's party though ;) Birthday's growning were very, very low key (always felt loved and special etc). That is until I was old enough to plan my own party - then things started to get really fun. I did throw a 1 year old party for Noah but I don't think I will have another b-day party until he is ... 10? Can I do that? I like the idea of keeping it simple, no presents but BIG love.
One thought, my neighbor recently had us over for their 4 yr old son's b-day party. They are orginally from southern India. I thought a monday night party was going to look like a quick song, small piece of cake and off to bed...oh no. There was a 4 course dinner, major cake cutting event with fire works, singing and dancing. People came all the way from Michigan. It was amazing. They played this really fun game where all the children got into a circle. They passed a present wrapped may times around the circle until the music stopped. The child with the present opened one layer. Then the music started again. This went on until all children had a turn and then the final unwrapping was coordinated so the youngest child was left with a fun prize. Pretty cool. The party favor was a new pencil :). Great party!

[haze]

There are some great party ideas here. When I was wee, we did the musical gift game too - always loads of fun. I like the idea of the activity parties - just make sure there are other parents around to help moderate - it's not up to you & Beloved to babysit their 5-yr olds.

I say you should do whatever makes you comfortable for the kids' parties. I love the idea of passing down the cereal tradition - those are the things you remember - not how many kids or the theme of the party.

[Amanda]

Totally side-stepped this issue by having a non-party...we bought tickets for the three of us (with a couple friends with kids) to attend Elmo Live. It was cool, and we enjoyed it.

I know that we will only get away with the for a few more years, and then we will have to bite the bullet. I think that you have received fabulous suggestions!

[Kat]

Birthday parties seem to be getting so far out of control! Have you seen or heard about the Sweet 16 parties on MTV? It's insane. And I'm with you - we had small parties and we were allowed to choose dinner the night of our birthday. When I turned 10, I had a party at the roller skating rink and I think I was a total princess.
I like the idea of saying no gifts. For Lily's party in April, I think I'm going to say no gifts, but if you want to honor her first year of life, please make a donation to an adoption charity (I'll probably choose one; I'm just not that far along yet). Does that seem too pushy? She just really doesn't need more toys.
Can't wait to hear what you decide:)

[Heidi-happy mom]

Well, is there anything left to say? of course, I will just tell you what we do.

So low key birthdays growing up (which means I barely remember mine, and can't for the life of me remember any of my siblings)

with my kids-we have a family/one of my husbands friends party. My husbands family is small and mine is huge, so I invite my family and he gets to invite his family and his one really close friend.

My eyes are awakened by some of the comments. I have always, until a couple of years ago (because no one listened) asked that no one bring gifts. I have always invited my family by sending out an email saying. you are all invited to cake and ice cream at our house to celebrate so and so's whatever age birthday. No gifts needed please. I never specifically called it a party. So no one listened to the no gift thing, and I never thought that it was rude. I assumed that when my kids were older they would have friend parties and I hoped that other families would be like me and keep it cheap. that is when the gift giving and receiving happens. in my mind. but we have the family parties and people bring gifts and everyone has fun. and we love it. I really need a new tradition, we get worn out so even though when I was young my mom made what I wanted to for dinner we now have a cheap mcdonalds meal and the kids play in the playland. I used to hate the place but I can't help it now, my kids love it.

So we have family parties now, Sam will turn 4 this year, and a lot of his friends have had parties, so I have asked him what he would like to do, have a friend party or a family party? he chose family.

when he decides that he wants a friend party, which I had assumed would be in kindergarten the first time, we won't have a family party (inviting my family and my husbands, we will always do something with our imediate family) then when my son decides which year he wants to start the friend parties, then he can have a friend party everyother year(that is what my mom did), and I think no matter the age we will keep the parties small. but then who knows we haven't done it yet, and it will be his party. i plan to keep them small, games at the park, something active. we used to play the unwrap the present thing and relay races and things when I was a kid. not the major stuff. And we will most likely have a cute themed party of whatever my son wants to have. (and then my daughters too of course in all this, but the whole thing starts with him so I am thinking of that first)

good luck, I hope to hear what you decide.

[Heidi-happy mom]

Oh yeah before any holiday, we sort through our toys and donate.

when we have gone to a few parties, I have kept the gift around $5.00, I refuse to spend a bunch of money, and we do books or art supplies as well.

I have even started only letting my kids spend $1.00 at the $1.00 store on each other for gifts anymore, so it only lasts a day, that is fine, they do have plenty of toys and they appreicate it anyway, and they love to buy things for each other. so they play for a day or a few hours and it is in the trash, oh well. or they get bubble bath which is great! that is what I started for birthdays this year and it was perfect.

[DeAnna]

What to do with birthday parties is confusing to me too. Other than the first, we don't invite a ton of people, mainly because I can't afford to invite EVERY friend we know or if its at our house, I don't think I can handle having 15 kids in our house. :) This year we had a movie birthday party for Isabella at the theatre with 7 kids (only 2 friends, my 2, and 3 nephews/niece) But Amelia's 2nd birthday is on Good Friday, my husband has that day off, the next day we have an Easter egg hunt we always go to, then of course Easter on Sunday. I told Kenny that I really don't want to have a party, I want to spend her birthday going to do something fun, I figure he has the day off, lets take a day trip and go somewhere they would enjoy, BUT everyone keeps making me feel guilty. Like, you had a party for Isabella, you can't NOT have a party for Amelia.... So I started to fold some, but now I'm thinking I'm going to plan her birthday party for 8pm on Thursday night, my girls are the only ones that don't have school the next day so although their bedtime is 8, they could just get up later the next morning and I'm thinking no one will want to come that late - problem solved. :) Actually, I'm really not sure what we are going to do, I just don't want to spend the money on a party when I could just spend the money to make her actual birthday a fun day for all of us. I don't remember having alot of birthday parties, we always had fun at home, but I only had the major ones 5, 10, 16 and I think it made those ones special, but throwing my children a huge party every year I feel like it doesn't make them as special, but then I also feel pressured when they are going to other kids parties and I don't want them to feel left out.... its a vicious cycle.

I do have to laugh, and hopefully you are not offended, but you obviously don't have girls (and you can say the reverse to me I know). My Amelia is not even 2 and obsessed with dressing up and shoes -- not something I have done to her, quite honestly I'm normally in sweats and barefoot. But she cries every morning to put shoes on and she goes and gets into her sisters clothes to dress up, or even a nightgown for that matter, and she has to bring it to me to put on her. She carries around any kind of bag like a purse, loves to put jewelry on and somehow knows what it is (again, not from me, I'm low key, I wear a pair of earrings and my wedding rings and that's it) If my girls obsess about their looks, it won't be because of the toys they play with, it will probably be because I take time to do their hair and then tell them their beautiful. We love arts and crafts around here, but I also have to say my girls enjoy girly things. Some of which I was totally not expecting. :)