Mayhem and Magic

Christmas Bible Reading with Sparkle

Sparkle loves reading the Bible.

I must say, it has very little to do with our parenting influence.  (Pumpkin avoids Bible stories.  He'll even say, "Don't read me the God book, Mom," take away the Bible, and give me a book about dump trucks instead, which I find so, so great.)

I am not sure why Sparkle is so into the Bible, but I think it might be because it's pretty much the most violence he's ever been exposed to.  Daniel is thown into a den of lions, Peter cuts off a soldier's ear, Jesus is crucified.  It's fascinating stuff.

He asks really detailed questions, and I often don't know the answers.  Since we usually read from one of our two children's Bibles, he'll bring me an NIV and tell me, "Mom, read it from the grown-up Bible," and then sit quietly, listening intently, hoping to catch whatever information was missing from the children's story.  He can remember what I think are pretty complicated story lines.  For example, he can mostly remember that Joseph was thrown into a well, then sold into slavery, then lived in Potiphar's house, then went to jail, and then became a ruler in Egypt.  (The broader timelines, like the fact that Jesus lived long, long after Noah, he doesn't really get.  Maybe I should make an actual timeline to hang on a wall or something.  He would probably like that, but I think I might feel like a pushy-crazy-Bible-thumping parent.) 

He can process and interpret things pretty well sometimes.  Recently we were reading about Joseph, and we mostly talked about how even when things looked pretty horrible for him Joseph trusted God, and God was still watching over him, still in control, and still loved Joseph.  Just out of curiosity, I asked him later, "Why do you think Joseph's brothers were angry with him?"  (something we hadn't really talked about) and he thought for a few seconds and then said, "They were mad because they wanted a coat, too."

He's always been interested in the Christmas story (here's a post about Sparkle reading the Christmas story last year). 

Recently we read one of our little children's Christmas books that talked about the shepherds worshipping Jesus.  "What does "worshipping" mean?" my sweet, amazing four-year-old asked me.  (Man, this kid...  He absolutely keeps me on my toes every minute!)  I kind of stumbled for second, trying to think of definition that didn't include any words like "praise" or "glory."  So I ended up saying, "Worshipping God is when we tell Him that we know he is the best and the strongest and the biggest."  (I think that was a pretty good definition, on the fly.  To me, anyway, worship means acknowledging to God that we know he is God, and we're not.)

He looked puzzled for a second and said, "But, Mom...  Jesus wasn't the strongest and the biggest.  He was just a baby."

And I just teared right up a bit...  I told him, "You are absolutely right.  That is a really amazing thing, isn't it?"

My Sparkle...  He's so, so fabulous.  I'm sure this is true for people of all faith traditions (or even none), but I find parenting is such a surprisingly spiritual experience.  How many times have I heard, "The Word became flesh and dwelt among us" or "Hail the incarnate diety!" in Christmas songs or services?  Who knows.  A lot.  But looking at the story from the new perspective of my own child makes it more real to me.  The Biggest and Strongest God became the smallest and weakest, just so he could be with us, just so he could show us that he loves us.

Okay, so I have a bit more to say about dicussing the violence in the Bible with a four-year-old, but I better quit now and hit post before I get all church-y and all my many, oh-so-many readers are thinking, "Sheesh, I just wanted to see the pictures of your living room..."

(In this picture, Sparkle is helping to decorate the house for Christmas by putting Christmas stickers on our paper napkins.) 

Home Tour: Entry

Welcome!  Come on in!  The coffee's on and the banana bread is cooling, so I'll just show you around before we sit down for a nice chat.

The first view of the entry is what you see as you come in the door.  The living room is to your right. 

The second picture is of the entry from the living room.

As you go down the hallway toward the back of the house, you'll pass one of my favorite groups of pictures that we have displayed.  All of the pictures were taken near Duluth, Minnesota on the north shore of Lake Superior, which is where I was born and a special gathering place for my family.

At the end of the hallway is a little alcove thing which I think is intended to display great art, but we just have a little welcome sign.  The flowers in the basket are mostly dried roses that Beloved has given me.  (Um, he actually gave me fresh flowers, and I dried them.  Just in case that wasn't clear.)

The things I like about this part of the house are the tile and the banister, both of which we had installed after we moved in.  (Oh, I'll have to show you the Before pictures, too!)  I like that there is an entry, and a space for people to kind of be in the house without really being in the middle of our living area.  (You know how some houses have the front door that opens right into the family room?  That would drive me a little crazy.)

The things I don't like are that there's kind of a lot of empty wall space along the stairway.  The color was supposed to be a neutral, but in low light it looks pretty pink.  Hate the pink.  Hopefully we'll be able to have it repainted in the next year or so.  There's also a hole in the wall (I think you can see it in the second picture) where the doorknob hit the wall because the door stop fell off.  We should get that fixed, too, but we're kind of waiting until we do the re-painting.

Next up: the living room.

Top Five Overheard This Week: Sparkle and Pumpkin

Sparkle:

1. "But this is HORRIBLE for me!" (We had told him he had to stay outside and play until we were done cleaning up the kitchen.  Torture!)

2. "I can NEVER win at Go Fish!" (You would not believe how much fun they have playing this game.  Beloved and I keep chuckling over the intensity and drama of it all.)

3. "But my bed is LUMPY and COLD!" (He wanted to come sleep in our bed at 3 AM.)

4. "You're not LISTENING TO MY WORDS!" (This was shortly followed by a running tackle and forced surrender of whatever it was Pumpkin had taken.)

5. "I think Skittles are HEALTHY for me!" (Um, no, Baby.  And besides, those are Mama's Skittles.)

Pumpkin:

1. "Happy Sanksgibbing!  I love you!" (To his teacher when he left school on Wednesday)

2. "Wanna come to my PARTY?!" (To everyone he meets.  No idea what this is about.)

3. "Wanna come to my FOOTBALL GAME?!  I'm a HIGH-SCHOOLER!" (Also to everyone he meets.  We told him that, yes, in fact, we are going to allow him to go to high school, and that he can play football if he wants to.  High school football players are his idols!)

4. "Where's the freakin' 'N' ?"  (Muttered to himself while playing with alphabet fridge magnets.  No idea where he could have picked that up.  Ahem.)

5. "You're my precious Mama." (Heart-breakingly sweet, delivered with a hug at bedtime.  He and I have a little ritual where I tell him, "You're my precious son.  You're my youngest child.  You're my favorite three year old.  You're my strong, brave boy.  You're my snuggly baby."  And we continue on for a while.  Usually this is when he's settling down in bed.  I include important things from the day, like "You're my boy who's learning to put ALL his poop in the toilet," for example.  It doesn't always go exactly like that, but I almost always start with "You're my precious son.")

Dyson for Us

After much reading of online reviews and going to various stores (and then back to the stores, still not making a decision, etc), we ended up with a Dyson.  Target had the best price (better than Costco), and a $60 Target gift card with the purchase. 

It's a "slim" model, but still weighs about 15 pounds. 

It seems to really pull a lot of nasty junk out of our carpets, so, you know, I think it will work out okay.

I'm thinking of doing a little "Tour of Homes" (except it will just be my house) over the next few days.  Come see my super-clean carpets!

Listening to Adult Adoptees and First Parents

I've been reading some of the blog posts and comments about the New York Times adoption blog. 

I don't have anything new to add about the censoring of comments on the NYT blog.  What stands out to me is the unwillingness of adoptive parents to listen to what adoptees, first parents, and people of color have to say about their experience.

We adoptive parents seem to immediately get defensive when adult adoptees say anything "negative" about their experience as people of color or their perspective on adoption.  (And we get really defensive when parents who have relinquished children to adoption say anything "negative," but the NYT thing has been specifically about shushing adoptees.)

What is so threatening about listening to a different opinion?  We don't have to agree.  It's not as if an army of adult adoptees is going to move in with us and critique our every parenting move.  The thing is, I think if we could just listen better we would find that their experience does have an impact on us and our parenting, for the better.

A few years ago, my sister (a Korean adult adoptee) found out that her first family was looking for her.  (So, so fascinating, but not my story to tell!)  We had already adopted Sparkle, and it was interesting to watch some of the family dynamics going on from my perspective as an adoptive sister and a relatively new adoptive mom.

A particular conversation that stands out to me is one I had with my mom while all of this unfolded.  Somewhere my mom made the comment, "...but I realized, it's not like she's going to move back to Korea.  No matter what happens, she's still going to be here..."

I had mostly been looking at the situation as a fascinating, exciting story.  I hadn't realized how frightening it was for my mom, or how protective she felt about my sister and their relationship.

(And then there's another whole discussion about how my parent's opinions and feelings might impact my sister's interaction with her Korean family.  Again, probably not something I get to blog about.) 

None of this is to say that I am so Super-Ultra-Fabulous at listening and setting aside my opinions to just absorb what someone else is trying to show me.  I'm definitely not immune to feeling defensive about my position as mother to my kids.

When Pumpkin turned one, his first mom sent him a bunch of gifts and cards.  One was a figurine she had chosen for him, and she had inscribed it with a message, ending with "Love from Mom."  Now, by this time I was definitely trying to listen and learn from adoptees and first parents.  If you had asked me, I would have told you that it was okay with me that R is also Pumpkin's mother.  But I very clearly remember the swelling of defensiveness, almost anger, a fighting, possessive response that felt like it almost literally bubbled up in my chest.

And, almost as immediately, I remembered my surprise when I figured out how threatened my mom felt by my sister's first family.

And I kind of sat back and "watched" myself.  I didn't try to push off that feeling of possessiveness.  I just let myself feel it, and at the same time thought about my sister and my mom and the first families of my boys.  The mama bear feeling faded after a while.

I don't think that what I felt was "bad" or wrong.  It was just a feeling, just emotion, and it was valuable, I think.  It's not wrong for adoptive parents to vehemently claim their children as their own.  (Personally, I think they can be ours, our very own, and still have part of them be someone else's as well.)  It's not wrong to feel defensive sometimes.  It's not wrong to disagree with adoptees and first parents sometimes.  But I think it is wrong to refuse to hear them. 

Don't worry if they seem angry or disrespectful or damaged to you at first.  Don't try to formulate your response.  Don't try to think of how your family or your child is different.  Don't panic about the future (your own or your child's).

If you can, try to set yourself aside for a while.  When an experience or opinion is shared, try to say "thank you" (in person or just in your mind).  Then you can think about what was shared, decide if the information is useful to you, and decide if you need to change anything about yourself or your parenting.  And if you do need to change something, then do it.  And if you don't, then don't, and stop worrying about it.  But keep listening.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this.  This post might end up sounding like I'm a crazy self-righteous pushover.  But I do believe that If we can really listen to adoptees and first parents, we will find them to be a source of encouragement and support for ourselves and for our kids.

Not What I Had In Mind

I had a tiny bit of a freakout when I found out that my cholesterol and blood sugar are creeping up a bit.  I was determined that those lab results would motivate me to get back on track with healthy eating. 

The truth is, I've been careless about my eating habits.  I snack too much, and late in the day.  My portion sizes are too big.  My weight has gone up by almost ten pounds in the last year or so, and my clothes don't fit as well.

Well, let me tell you what I've been doing for the last week. 

Eating.  Eating crap. 

I was not expecting this.  It's like I know I have to renew my committment to eating well, but I'm kind of dreading doing it, so in the meantime I'm eating junk like I'm never going to get to eat junk again, the whole time thinking, "This is not good.  I really have to eat better.  Tomorrow!  Next week!  Soon!"

It's like rebound binge eating or something.

I don't feel good.  Eating crap does not make me feel better.  I know this.  But I am literally eating Skittles right now, while typing my post about my crappy diet.

Fireplace and Mantle

Wanna see our new fireplace?  Here it is.  It makes me happy.

I thought I might miss the wood burning fireplace, but it was messy and ugly and did not heat the house at all.  This one is propane, and on an automatic thermostat thing so that it heats our downstairs (and actually our upstairs a little as well).  It's so nice to come downstairs in the morning from the relatively cold bedroom to a warm living room with a pretty fire burning.  Makes me want to sit in the living room with coffee and a book, but so far I rarely have time for that. 

I love, love, love having a mantle now.  So far, I'm just experimenting with decorating the mantle.  But I do need some input, if you all want to help me out.  I'd really like those framed pieces to stay permanently above the mantle (hanging, not just sitting as they are now).  Do you think I could hang them, but still do seasonal decorating on the mantle, changing things now and then?

(The tile, by the way, is the same tile that's in our kitchen and hallway.  The art is from South Africa.  I think we paid maybe $15 each for the woven art pieces, and then paid about $300 to have them custom framed.  They will be hanging in our house until...  well, forever.)

Cholesterol?!?! Are you kidding me?

So I had my screening labs drawn last week, all casual-like and assuming things would be perfect, as they always are.  And today I got the results back, showing that my LDL ("bad" cholesterol) is mildly elevated at 117. 

AND!  And my blood sugar was "impaired" at 102, fasting.

What the ????  Dang it, anyway!

Remember when I was all annoyed that any stupid insurance company would think I was some kind of risk? Hmmm, well... 

I'm only 31!  This makes me feel really old.

I'm going to work on eating more healthy again, and get the tests rechecked in six months.  Maybe do a glucose tolerance test to make sure I'm handling sugars okay. 

I'm blogging about it, in hope that a blog post about my cholesterol will hold me accountable to take it seriously and have it rechecked next spring, instead of just ignoring it.  Oh, and I should be taking a multivitamin and extra calcium, and probably a baby aspirin every day.  But I've been slacking off on that too.  No longer!

(My HDL or "good" cholesterol is fabulous, as are my triglycerides.  All else was okay, and I am grateful for that!)

Movies: Reviews?

Have any of you seen the Bee movie?  Would you take a three or four year old to see it? 

Neither of the boys has ever been to a movie theatre, and we've been thinking that going to a movie together might be a fun thing to do as a family over the holiday season.  Would it be too overwhelming? The boys are not exactly media deprived, but they haven't seen many movies.  I'm a little concerned that they wouldn't understand the story (or the one-liners) anyway, and they might be frightened by some of the slap-stick action scenes or by the loudness of the theatre.

I noticed there are a few movies coming out recently with adoption related themes, but I haven't seen anything about them on the various blogs I read.

There's Martian Child (A man adopts an older child who thinks he's a martian--trailer to the right on the linked page).  It looks a bit too sweet maybe, but still might be a movie I would enjoy.

And there's another called August Rush that looks good.  (A boy who was taken from his mother at birth believes his parents will be able to find him if they can hear the music he plays.)   Keri Russell and Robin Williams are in it, and the music really appeals to me.  This one won't be out for another week or so.

Reviews or thoughts? 

What do you think about taking children to see movies on the big screen?

Welcome to the World, Baby A!

Pumpkin has a little sister!  She was born to his first mom, R, and both of them are home now and doing well.

We can't wait to see pictures.  I wonder if she looks like Pumpkin. 

We were walking through Target the day after she was born, and some little fuzzy pink infant thing caught my eye. I usually just don't even look at the girl-y clothes section, having been a mom of boys for four years. 

But now!  A-ha! 

I may have gone a little crazy with pink...  Have you seen the cuteness in the infant girls clothing?  Oh my gosh.  So cute.

Pumpkin really does not care too much at all about this whole "Little Baby A" thing.  It's pretty abstract for him, I guess.  He did say something about Baby A living in South Africa, and he and I going together on a plane to see her.  I suppose it's kind of confusing. 

R would really like if Pumpkin would express more interest in Baby A.  So far when they've talked on the phone, he just wants to tell her that he's wearing a football jersey and Lightning McQueen is his favorite.  (Which he tells everyone.)  I feel a little badly for her because she would like for him to participate in the excitement of the new baby experience, but at three years old, he doesn't really understand or care. 

This is new territory for us...  I don't want to push Pumpkin to understand who Baby A is and why she's important if it's just going to be confusing for him right now.  But I want to make sure he has the opportunity to understand or to ask questions.

Sparkle is actually more interested in Baby A than Pumpkin is.  And again, this is new territory.  If Baby A is Pumpkin's baby sister, is she Sparkle's sister, too?  I'm not sure how to answer that, actually, which is weird.  With Pumpkin, R has clearly referred to Baby A as Pumpkin's baby sister.  So that's what we're calling her.  (Not his "genetic half sister" or anything.)  R thinks of Sparkle as Pumpkin's brother, but she definitely does not think of him as her son, so I don't know if she would be okay with Sparkle calling Baby A his sister. 

I do believe that people can choose to be family to one another, regardless of genetic or legal connections.  It wouldn't bother me if Sparkle wanted Baby A to be his sister, but I don't want to offend R, or make her feel like she has some obligation to Sparkle as well as Pumpkin.  (Though, truly, R has been wonderful about including Sparkle-- she sends him Christmas gifts and talks to him on the phone and things like that.)

Poor little Sparkle...  He knows his birth mom is in South Africa and that she has children who live with her.  He wishes he could talk to her on the phone like Pumpkin talks to R.  He has lots of ideas about how we could write to her, or visit her, or call her.  And I would so like to be able to give him that opportunity.  We wrote a letter asking the adoption agency in South Africa to give L (Sparkle's first mom) our contact information.  But that was about five months ago.  I don't even know if we sent the letter to the right person, or the right office.  I don't know if the adoption agency can't help us, or won't, or if L herself asked them not to.

It's so hard for a little person to understand.  And you know what?  That's because it's just not understandable, is it?  Not even for a grown up. 

We are all okay (Sparkle, Pumpkin, Beloved and me, R, and Baby A).  We're glad to be part of each other's lives, and we're so happy that Baby A is healthy and happy and safe.  Adoption stuff is still just hard and sad sometimes.