Hooray!

After all my stressing out and feeling badly...

I got a very nice email from Erin, and it turns out that she does not despise me and in fact thinks that I am right about some things! 

(The relief I felt with that email makes me perhaps a bit pathetic.  Hey, I'll own up to that.)

Still.

I've been thinking about how people approach adoption, perhaps from infertility, perhaps with a particular faith background, or with no specific faith.  I've been thinking about what it means to people to talk about "God's will" or "being called" or even to feel like their paths have been guided by something other than themselves (god or not).  I've been thinking about people who experience kind of a "coming around" to the idea of adoption.

I've been thinking that perhaps I need to be more more flexible and forgiving about my own interpretation of people's motives, and of the possibility of God's work in their lives (whatever their faith).

Except for adoptive parents who are clearly nuts. 

Like those who lie to pregnant women considering adoption, with no intention to work on openness, who think their behavior is okay because it's God's will for them to adopt that baby.  Or those who are angry with the government of China because referrals are taking too long and China owes them a baby because God called them to adopt.

If you're one of those people, then all bets are off, and I'm gonna be all judge-y.  Judge, judge, judge!

------------------

This picture was taken almost exactly one year ago, in the same orchard where the last picture was taken.  Here's a little confession:  When we go to the orchard, I try to dress the boys in outfits that sort of match or compliment each other, because I think it looks nicer in pictures.  If you look back at the last picture, you'll see the red and green going on.  You know, for the Christmas picture.  Plus, it looks nice with the apples and the leaves and stuff.

Comments

[Heidi]

"...I need to be more flexible and forgiving about my own interpretation of people's motives..."

I love this quote of yours! I find when I do this, I feel like a gentler, kinder person.

Don't ever stop writing what's on your mind. I liked going through "the process" and seeing where you came out!

It takes me time to come around to where I want to be on things too. Life is a process of growing. We need to let everyone do this.

Great topic too!

Heidi

[chicagomama]

What a great picture, your two boys are just gorgeous. And I know all about the color coordination efforts of which you speak.
Also, I really like reading your posts about adoption and your thoughts about motives. Thank you for making me think.

[Leigh]

Love the pictures, I try to color coordinate Cody and Charles when we go out too.

[wendy]

Your boys are just so, so cute!

[steph]

I've been impressed by everything you've written on this, including your original comments.

So much of faith and spirituality is wrapped up in how we find grace, and show mercy to one another, amidst tragedy and injustice. I'm not bothered by people feeling God's plan in their lives; what bothers me is using those ideas to avoid being agents of grace and mercy, or to avoid challenging themselves when the question of how to be such an agent in a particular situation is less than straightforward. I hope I'm not misinterpreting you, but it seems to me that this is part of what you are saying too.

Lovely picture. :)

[Michele]

My husband adopted my son-another side to adoption. . .

[Heidi - happy mom]

well, I am glad that you feel better. who doesn't judge?

[cloudscome]

LOL yeah, some of us (them) are clearly nuts! Whadda ya gonna do?

I sometimes find that I have color co-ordinated my boys too, just in dressing them in my morning fog. I like seeing them in the same color scheme. It's silly, I know. They'll outgrow me and my controlling ways. But the pictures are so cute. I love the look on your boys faces here.

[dawn]

I dread the day my kids won't wear whatever I put out for them.

I have enjoyed reading all of your thoughts and and the comments on adoption.

My experience with adoption continues to evolve--and my opinions have changed considerably since we started the process.

[DeAnna]

I like how you said you have to be more flexible and forgiving.... I'm the same way. I know that I tend to judge peoples motives too quickly, not just in adoption. Thanks for the reminder!

And the picture is adorable! I don't think I have to tell you how I feel about the whole color coordinate, matchy match, your kids for events... pictures on my blog probably scream it. :)

[Someday a Mom]

A perspective from one floating on the brink between perhaps hopeless infertility and adoption:

The concept of God seems to permeate every fertility doctor's office, and every adoption website, and it can be a burden to those of us who (gasp!) just don't believe in God. I have had nurses, trying to be helpful, ask me if I pray. I have faced receptionists at my clinic who openly told me that they thought that God wanted me to have a baby.

I know that religious people often find God a comfort. But sometimes I think this nightmare would be even worse if I believed in God. What would I think God was trying to tell me by putting me through three miscarriages? That I'm a bad person? That I deserve to be punished? That I would be a bad mom?

Strangely, it's kind of comforting to be able to ignore that trip. My body doesn't work quite right. Neither does my husband's. No one is punishing us--we've just had some bad luck. (Lots of bad luck.)

And I don't have to worry whether God wants me to save a child from Ethiopia. I can be safe in my own selfishness. Yeah, it'll be nice to know that my baby's life would have been worse without me. But I can openly admit that the real reason I want to adopt is for myself. To serve my needs. And that's okay, right?