SAHMs In My Neighborhood

I leave for work at about 7:50 AM every morning.  This just barely allows me to get into my office and turn on the computer before the day really begins at 8:00 AM. 

(Before we had kids, I was sipping coffee at my desk every day by 7:30 AM, catching up on email and paperwork.  I had my hair highlighted every eight weeks, and wore makeup every day, and ran about four pretty fast miles every morning.  Yeah...  Times have changed.)

So anyway, school has started again.  I drive by two neighborhood bus stops every day on my way to work.  The bus is on time every day, and I drive past plus or minus 2-3 minutes every morning.  Every morning during the school year I see the same parents waiting with their kids at the bus stop.  I have met very few of them, but I feel like I know them!  And perhaps (and this is totally unfair) that I don't really like them very much.   

Only two of the parents I usually see are dads.  And the moms... 

Most of the moms are wearing Nikes and sporty track suit outfits (the cool kind, not the nasty polyester kind).  They have insulated travel mugs in their hands, probably (in my mind, anyway) filled with steaming Starbucks or some kind of super-healthy organic fair trade tea, black, of course, no sugar or even Splenda.  They have newspapers tucked under their arms, which they picked up off their driveways as they walked over.  Those who wear glasses have hip, funky black square-ish frames.  They stand and chat together, then wave to their kids as the bus drives off, and then they usually chat for another few minutes before the group breaks up. 

I imagine them saying things like, "Oh yes, I packed Johnny's organic whole wheat sandwich with free-range chicken last night before I cleaned the house.  Thank goodness I layed out his clothes last night while I put away the laundry, because I barely had time to review his spelling list with him this morning after I got back from the gym.  Well, I must be going!  If I hurry I can finish my coffee while I read the paper on the patio, before I head over to volunteer in Johnny's classroom."

They are probably not really like this.  Maybe.  But they all look so damned cute and relaxed and fit and put together.  I've never a single one of those moms frantically rushing her kid over to the bus, shoving a Lunchable in his backback and wearing her slippers.

Meanwhile, I'm driving by thinking, "Am I wearing shoes?  Yes?  Good.  Did I brush my teeth?  Hmmm, not sure.  Did I pack lunches for the kids?  Did I pack extra clothes for my child who is still having accidents at school?  Okay, I think I'll make it on time if I park close and go in the back door."

(And, I'll have you know, I once completely forgot to pack lunches for my kids and had to stop at a gas station to buy Lunchables on the way to daycare.  Yes, Lunchables, which I know are evil and cancer-causing and full of sodium.)

It's a good thing I'm a committed working-outside-the-home career mom, because I don't think I'd fit in with some of the other moms in my neighborhood, even if I had all the time in the world.  Or maybe I'm just jealous. 

Comments

[Laundry & Children]

As a SAHM, I can assure you that you would totally fit in at my house. I took a shower at 1:30 this afternoon. It took me 2 days to get one basket of laundry folded. I thank God that Rachel wears a uniform so I don't have to pick out clothes for her and most days I am picking school clothes out of the piles of clothes in my laundry room. I am in awe of moms who do it all and go to work. Don't feel bad for yourself.

[Angela]

I have done both...worked and stayed at home (currently staying at home but going back to work next year) and I've NEVER been that well put together (whether working or staying at home)!LOL

I've never felt any guilt either. When I've had to work I've done the daycare thing and now that I'm home I pick her up from school (in my ratty shorts or definitely not "cool" running pants) and you want to know something...she has been fine w/ both situations. It could just be her personality but I don't feel I've done any damage either way.

The description of those women made me laugh...I've seen groups like that and often wondered what they must be thinking as they see me half-awake, half-put together telling my kid to hurry up (before so I could get back to work but now so that I can start my morning walk/run) or to check if I packed her lunch or if I should give her a dollar for the school's sucky and not very nutritional hot lunch"

[Heidi - happy mom]

Okay I was just reading a little something about the division between the SAHM's and the career mom.

I am so sad that we have such a division.

I just know I couldn't cut it as a career mom, and I don't want to. but I never have it together.

I am amazed at all my friends who have careers and wonder how they do it, I can't get out of he house before 10!

I think there are pro's and con's to both sides and I think if we are honest we all have a little jealousy of the other side.

[Heidi - happy mom]

I never finished that I was reading on heathers blog, about that division, just an fyi I suppose, my sentenced sounded unfinished, because it was.

[mortimersmom]

so, you live around here, do you? actually, it couldn't be the same place, because the kiddos here don't take the bus! oh no! We have car pools! And somehow, the SAHM can only do it once or twice a week while the working moms are expected to do it more "since it's on your way to work anyways".....

[Mandy]

I'm a SAHM and I'm jealous of other SAHM that have it together like you explained. I'm like you that I don't get to exercise as much anymore, wear make up, go my hair or even get my hair highlighted. I would like to know how they do it.

[Braydon]

Love this post! As a man, I see the same thing going to work; both leaving our neighborhood and seeing it as I drive. And I know Heather sees it too and I can imagine she feels some of the same things you do.

For me, I just wonder about their lives - I really can't fathom what that would be like, and I can't really imagine what that would be like to be their husband. Off to work, with your wife on the corner chatting it up.

And honestly, I really don't want to imagine too much, it doesn't work for me.

Thanks for being so open and honest in your writing!

Braydon

[Heather]

Hi Amanda.
Love this post.
Love,
Heather

[Michele]

I have done both- and believe that this issue is NEVER gonna be "solved" because women are not uniform in their beliefs and their actions and their opinions.

I loved being at home, but was. . .undermotivated to be the best housekeeper, I was a mom, and my kids took up A LOT of time, so what was left after taking care of them went to housework, and day dreaming about "leisure" time.

I work now- and the house looks the same. . .still a mess. I cannot afford maids, but my kids do pick up some of the slack. . .but I think they are happier when they know that I am here for them no matter what. . .and I always have been.

This post is very interesting, I remember and still feel resentment that I was not the perfect mom, with the trendy clothes and the perfectly accessorized life. . .sigh!

Michele

[Amy]

Great post. I thoroughly enjoy your blog. I've been lurking for awhile. I just became a mom through foster care, so I figured it was time to de-lurk.

Long before I had a foster daughter, I knew I would never be one of these moms...they used to walk their nicely groomed dogs (usually Golden Retrievers or Labs) at the park near my house (after they dropped the kids at the bus stop)...they'd still be wearing the track suit and sipping their coffees. One day I was walking with my dog (who many have said looks like a coyote), when she suddenly ran off into the woods...returning a few minutes later, all bloody, with a dead squirrel in her mouth. From the looks on their faces, I knew right then that I would never, ever fit in with the organic soccer moms.

[DeAnna]

Just for the record, there is a difference between SAHM and high maintenance women. :) I too get tired of the division between SAHMs and working mothers, so I won't get into that. BUT I am a SAHM, but not a high maintenance woman and definitely not highly organized. I cut my own hair because like I'm really going to take my 2 girls in with me. I have absolutely no nails to even get done -- My "track" suit would be my wal mart sweats and my husbands t-shirt, I hate Starbucks - bring on the little man coffee shops. I do use organic wheat bread for my girls though, which they get to eat along side their microwaved frozen chicken nuggets. :) And as much as I would love to someday be a funky hip clothes wearing mama, right now I much prefer spending money on making and buying my girls clothes than on me. Oh and that's the other thing, these women sound like they are SAHMs that stay home because they are well "kept" -- I don't stay at home because we are rolling in the money for sure, just like you for me its just something I feel is best for me and my family and something I'm committed too.

[Melanie]

As your comments show, there are all types of SAHMs, just as there are all types of working moms. I think we all are probably envious of some aspects of that which we do not have. I truly believe that there is no "better" way and that we all love our children the same and want the absolute BEST for them, whether we work outside the home or not. It it sad that there is a divide between the two groups. Sadly enough, I am a SAHM (and have been for nearly 16 years) and I find myself judging those same moms that you talk about. I for one find myself showering mid afternoon (if I have somewhere to go after school, if not sometimes it just waits until night time) and I occasionally drop my daughter off at school while still in my pajamas. I wonder how they can have themselves all put together by 8:00 and ready to go spend the morning at the court club! I think it's human nature, or at least MOM nature, to feel guilty and wonder about the decisions you make, how they will affect your children, etc.. But that's another subject, especially with teenagers, so I'll stop here.

[haze]

Ha ha. Great post, Amanda! I'm not even a mom yet, but I've thought about this. Who knows what these mom's lives are like in private? Maybe they put a lot of energy into appearing put together on the outside, but inside they are a wreck. Maybe they are heavily medicated. Or maybe they really do have it together and are just great moms. I think if your kids are happy and well fed (at least you realized they had no lunch before it was too late!) then you are doing a great job and have nothing to be ashamed off. Try not to compare yourself to other people - especially when you don't know anything about their lives (I know, easier said than done). And besides, maybe they have fat ankles... ;-)

[Kohana]

What's wrong with getting up a little earlier to get a shower, get dressed, and make some coffee? Working women do it before they go to work, what's wrong with a SAHM putting in that effort before she puts her kid on the bus? I get that you're racing off to work and it seems everyone is assuming that the SAHMs are meandering off to get a mani-pedi. I guess I don't understand why women on each side judge the other for being organized, pulled together, etc. If a mom wants to get up early and do all that, more power to her!

FYI, I don't live in the burbs, I don't drink morning coffee, and I don't own any track suits...and I'm usually the one making snarky comments about soccer moms. :]

[Michele]

Well, if I had toi guess why we felt the need to judge, I would have to fall back on my "because once you become a mom you are judged" judge as ye are also judged.

I also think that if I really thought about it hard enough, I would be asking the question "where is dad?" In my life, dad is not judged the same as mom- I think my husband would passout if he knew all that I do in a day all while working outside the home. It never occurs to me while ripping on "Bratz mom" and calling her names, that maybe I should sit Daddy Dearest down and demand his time and effort around the house and the children.
To be fair, the moms I am jealous of show a self that may not be entirely authentic. They may have a new outfit because their way of coping with isolation and being lonely is shopping. They may have a doting mother who sends them money, they may be able to stay at home because they lost their life partner in a horrible way and were able to secure some financial security- I may never know, will never know, because I am too busy judging them and myself, and finding myself lacking for my inability to fall intothe stereotype, listen to the right music and be the right kind of mom.
I am lucky, my kids seem to like the mom I am, and I guess at the end of the day, when I take my shower :), that is really what is important!

Michele

[Mayhem]

Amy, congratulations on becoming a mom!

(Um, now aren't you glad you joined all of us?)

I can't email you, so I wanted to reply in the comments to say congrats and thank you for delurking!

[baggage]

I am a SAHM and wish I could be as together as those women appear on the outside!

[Sylvie]

LOL! YOur post has me cracking up... right now as you know from my blog I am a SAHM after working the 1st 2 years of my son's life, I dont even like calling myself that because I am doing a horrible job at it! LOL! My time managment skills are totally sucking and I think I need to get a job outside of home! LOL! I am not envying the working outside the home mom or the stay at home mom, I am just envying the organized ones. LOL!

[Deb]

Well I am a stay at home mom, and I have a clean car, becuase I tuck a target bag in there every day. I am up with the kids at 7 and feed the breakfast, and they eat, as a I shower. SOMETIMES I do get all make up'd and go to the school, with my coffee cup in tow!! Some moms ust want to have that FEEL DRESSED for work feeling all the time, its how they keep their self confidence up! How else can we feel good about our selves? Maybe some woe wear track pats cause they are going to the gym? Myabe some moms dress nice beucase they only get to dress up when the kids are in school, then they have to change when the kids come home, and get all essy again. Yes I am defeidnig the SAHMs but I have also worked, and just becuase someone wears track pants, drinks starbucks, and wears makeup doesnt classify snobby, stuckup or high maintanence.

[Denise]

This post is funny! I am a SAHM, but I have seen groups like that. I am the SAHM that is frantically running out in my ratty old sweats, yelling at the son who forgot his backpack, desperately trying to wipe the jelly off one of the girls shirts, holding tightly to the toddler trying to run into the street, and hoping the dog doesn't poop on that mean neighbr guy's lawn. Coffee? I'm lucky if I got to finish someone's orange juice while I wiped off the table.

I am not standing there chatting after, I am standing there bleary eyed, watching the working mom down the street drive by. She looks like she showered, and I bet she'll be eating something nice for lunch... something other than PB&J crusts left on the table. She might even stop for milk on the way home, and have a grand old time lingering over the magazines in the store, instead of trying to wrangle the kids through, somewhat like herding cats.

Seriously though... I love this post, as it gives the perspective I don't have. Really... we could all be friends if we could just get inside eachother's heads!