Real Life vs Online

Before we adopted Sparkle, we sort of almost decided to adopt from Haiti.  (I have never finished telling that story, have I?  But I'll get to it eventually.) 

At the time I was reading a few forums and yahoo groups related to Haitian adoption.  One woman who participated on a yahoo list mentioned where she lived, and it happened to be, like, 5 minutes from where we live.  Over the next few months we sent emails to one another about 3-4 times while she was waiting to bring home her son.

And I am getting to my point...

One day our family was running through costco, and a lady we didn't know said, "Are you an adoptive family?" 

"Yes," we said, "we met our son in South Africa."

"Oh," said Stranger Lady, "you must be Amanda.  I emailed you a few months ago.  We're the Stranger Family, and we adopted our son from Haiti.  And so on, and so on, etc."

And I didn't really hear much else because I was so freaked out I wanted to run away right that very second.

I had expected that I might actually meet this person In Real Life at some point.  That was why I made a point to introduce myself when she said where she lived.

But "Real Life" and "Not Real Life" are not supposed to intersect unexpectedly! 

The whole experience really did give me the heebie-jeebies.

Now I am very aware now that whatever is written here is available for anyone to see.  It's such a strange mix of anonymity and total exposure...  I don't think I've found exactly where I want to be yet. 

Ultimately, I want this to be a space for sorting out my own thoughts.  But I also want to dialogue with other people, and that requires more than just journaling.  It requires some exposure, and (oh my gosh) openness to criticism.   

I'm new to this.  So, hey, if you've figured this all out, please give me your tips.  How did you decide what parts of your life you wanted to share and what is sacred from the view of the Whole Wide World?

Comments

[Stephanie]

I don't really have any advise, just commiseration. I'm kind of scared to blog about adoption because I've read so much mean-spirited flaming on adoption blogs recently. I want to hear different perspectives and generate discussion, but I don't particularly want to deal with people making irrational arguments based solely on emotion or ignorant assumptions about what's "natural" and what's not. I live in Kansas; I get enough of that in my offline life. But I guess if we're going to put thoughts and opinions into a public forum, we have to be willing to accept the possibility.

I'm not brave enough to post any photos on my blog. My husband put up a webpage with wedding pictures after we got married about five years ago, and I recently discovered a picture of myself from my wedding on a greeting card sold at CafePress. Since then I've been the teeniest bit paranoid.

[Amanda/Mayhem Mama]

Wow, that is really frightening.

But, don't you think other people's stories are more compelling when you can see pictures? Maybe I could just post them for a while, and then take them down...

Thanks for your thoughts, Stephanie.

[sixletmama]

This is a toughie. I am still trying to figure out how much to share and what to share. I have gone password protected, as you know, and that helps me feel a tad more secure, but still gives me the joy of interacting with people I want reading my blog.

[Stephanie]

Yes, I totally think people's stories are more compelling when I can see pictures! I always look at pictures when people post photo albums on their blogs, so I feel a little weird admitting that I'm scared to put them on my own. Honestly, it's probably something I just need to get over. At this point all I have are cat pictures anyway; maybe at the point we have a child I will take the password protected route.

[Dawn]

We had our pics swiped too and so we have our photos password protected.

I go back and forth about this. I still kind of get ... gobsmacked, I guess? when I share something and it comes out wrong or the post/essay goes further than I thought.

I don't think there are any easy answers to it. But I do remember when I wrote about one of my miscarriages and someone in real life who I didn't know very well and didn't realize was reading started a conversation with me about it and I just stood there with my mouth hung open unsure of what to say.

[Amanda]

I noticed a weird vibe in a meeting at work shortly after I posted about my struggles with weight loss and post-adoption depression. Turns out that several co-workers found my original site and spread some really horrible tidbits (that I thought were personal and somewhat private) around my department and building. It was humbling, and did teach me a lesson about what to share and what not to.

Take care.

[Player To Be Named Later]

The pictures are important to me, and I appreciate your sharing them. It isn't just context for the story. I sought out your blog because I'm struggling with my fears regarding bringing a black child into an all white family. I think I'm more worried about the child rejecting me than me rejecting the child, but mostly I just need to re-set my perspective regarding what my family would look like. So different from what I had planned, you know? I found your site because I was looking for photos of interracial-through-adoption families. I've probably read most or all of your blog by now, but it was the pictures that called me.

So don't think the pictures don't matter. They've done a lot for me.

- MG

[Heidi - happy mom]

I thought you had it all figured out, that is why I asked for you ideas :) I don't have it figured out yet, but I am slowely getting even more freaked out.

[Kohana]

There are a lot of things I don't write about: the details of our adoption, anything about Small Sun's mom and our relationship with his first parents, anything about my extended family that could be perceived as negetive. I also don't post identifying pictures. I used to, until someone got to my baby girl's picture looking for kiddie porn. That FREAKED me out. My blog doesn't allow for individual password protected posts (that I can find anyway). And of course, I don't use our real names and edit out any commenters who do. I struggle with wanting to write more professionally and get name credit for my ideas, but I'm still not ready to sacrifice our privacy. Even so I've met a couple people IRL (even out of state) from meeting them/seeing their pictures online. It is really bizarre. The internet is a strange, strange place.