I Don't Feel Guilty
When other adoptive parents tell the stories of coming home with their children, there's often a phrase included that goes something like this:
"As the airplane took off, and I saw my child's birth country disappearing, I felt so sad. We were leaving his culture behind and we felt guilty for taking him away."
It seems very, very common for adoptive parents to feel that way, doesn't it? Honestly, I've never felt horribly guilty about physically taking my kids away from the place of their birth. I absolutely understand that it is a big loss, especially for Sparkle who was born in South Africa. I understand that there are so many aspects of growing up in their birth cultures that we cannot replace or replicate, no matter how hard we try.
So why don't I feel the guilt that so many other adoptive parents seem to feel? I certainly feel guilty about a million other things, so why not this?
There are probably a couple of reasons:
1. If we had not adopted them, someone else would have.
With both of our children, the decision was made that they would be adopted long before we met them. Whether their first moms made "the right decision" or not, the fact is that both of them were going to be parented by someone other than their first parents.
If Sparkle's mom had not chosen us as his parents, she would have chosen someone else. Much like an expectant mom in the US who is considering adoption for her child, she was given profiles of potential adoptive families from which to choose. Most of the other adoptive parents were from various countries in Europe, so if she hadn't chosen Beloved and me, Sparkle would likely have grown up speaking Swedish, or Dutch, or German. That's very odd to think about. But one way or another he was going to be an adopted child, and I just don't feel guilty for being the ones to parent him.
In Pumpkin's case, his mom did not make a specific adoption plan before his birth but she had planned on adoption during her pregnancy. If we had not promised the hospital that I was coming, he would have been placed in foster care in his birth city. Though a preemie, he was healthy and absolutely perfect in every way. So I don't doubt that he would have been adopted. I'm just so glad it was us who got to do it, and I don't feel guilty for being the ones to parent him, either.
2. Because both of the boys are Black (South African American and African American) and living in the US, there is a broad, rich culture here in the US for them to connect to.
No one sees Sparkle and thinks he looks "African." (We can see his Ndebele features, but most people don't.) Everyone sees him as African American, including other African Americans. Though I don't doubt that he will feel the loss of South African culture, it seems to me more urgent that he find his place as a Black American in the US than as a displaced South African in the US.
Though he was adopted domestically, Pumpkin, too, has lost the "normalness" of growing up in a family of all African Americans.
Still, we have not completely removed either of them from the possibility of having deep, abiding connection to other Black Americans.
I hope I am not sounding too casual about this, because I do understand that it's a deep loss for both of them. I know it's important that Sparkle is South African and not African American, and that his ancestors do not share the same history as Black people born in the U.S.
It's not that we are over-confident in our own ability as parents to make sure the boys make those connections to African Americans and find themselves a place in the African American community. Really, our confidence is in Sparkle and Pumpkin! If we can give them the basic tools, these boys will be okay.
Did you (or do you) feel guilty for taking your child away from his or her birth culture, if you've adopted from another country or culture?
