I Don't Feel Guilty

When other adoptive parents tell the stories of coming home with their children, there's often a phrase included that goes something like this:

"As the airplane took off, and I saw my child's birth country disappearing, I felt so sad.  We were leaving his culture behind and we felt guilty for taking him away."

It seems very, very common for adoptive parents to feel that way, doesn't it?  Honestly, I've never felt horribly guilty about physically taking my kids away from the place of their birth.  I absolutely understand that it is a big loss, especially for Sparkle who was born in South Africa.  I understand that there are so many aspects of growing up in their birth cultures that we cannot replace or replicate, no matter how hard we try.

So why don't I feel the guilt that so many other adoptive parents seem to feel?  I certainly feel guilty about a million other things, so why not this?

There are probably a couple of reasons:

1.  If we had not adopted them, someone else would have. 

With both of our children, the decision was made that they would be adopted long before we met them.  Whether their first moms made "the right decision" or not, the fact is that both of them were going to be parented by someone other than their first parents. 

If Sparkle's mom had not chosen us as his parents, she would have chosen someone else.  Much like an expectant mom in the US who is considering adoption for her child, she was given profiles of potential adoptive families from which to choose.  Most of the other adoptive parents were from various countries in Europe, so if she hadn't chosen Beloved and me, Sparkle would likely have grown up speaking Swedish, or Dutch, or German.  That's very odd to think about.  But one way or another he was going to be an adopted child, and I just don't feel guilty for being the ones to parent him.

In Pumpkin's case, his mom did not make a specific adoption plan before his birth but she had planned on adoption during her pregnancy.  If we had not promised the hospital that I was coming, he would have been placed in foster care in his birth city.  Though a preemie, he was healthy and absolutely perfect in every way.  So I don't doubt that he would have been adopted.  I'm just so glad it was us who got to do it, and I don't feel guilty for being the ones to parent him, either.

2. Because both of the boys are Black (South African American and African American) and living in the US, there is a broad, rich culture here in the US for them to connect to. 

No one sees Sparkle and thinks he looks "African."  (We can see his Ndebele features, but most people don't.)  Everyone sees him as African American, including other African Americans.  Though I don't doubt that he will feel the loss of South African culture, it seems to me more urgent that he find his place as a Black American in the US than as a displaced South African in the US.

Though he was adopted domestically, Pumpkin, too, has lost the "normalness" of growing up in a family of all African Americans. 

Still, we have not completely removed either of them from the possibility of having deep, abiding connection to other Black Americans.

I hope I am not sounding too casual about this, because I do understand that it's a deep loss for both of them.  I know it's important that Sparkle is South African and not African American, and that his ancestors do not share the same history as Black people born in the U.S. 

It's not that we are over-confident in our own ability as parents to make sure the boys make those connections to African Americans and find themselves a place in the African American community.  Really, our confidence is in Sparkle and Pumpkin!  If we can give them the basic tools, these boys will be okay.

Did you (or do you) feel guilty for taking your child away from his or her birth culture, if you've adopted from another country or culture?   

Comments

[cloudscome]

I feel guilty for having more money/resources/connections/power to raise them than their first families did/do.

I feel very sad for the losses on both sides. I wish for more connection so at least they would know their full extended family, even as they are part of mine.

It's not a lot of guilt - there are a boat load of other emotions there.

[Denise]

No guilt here either. Maybe because our situation was a little different? My son's grandmother gave us her blessing. He is still very connected to Haiti, and I know we will return for future visits. I don't feel like he lost his culture, I feel like he (and we!) gained a new culture as well.

I do feel sad sometimes, but it isn't guilt. Sad for what he has gone through in his young life, sad for the challenges he will face as he grows up, but I know it is what it is, and it's nothing I could have changed.

[Corey]

This is an interesting thread. Our kids (5 adopted from Haiti) all waited in their orphanages for a long time before we came along (4 of them waited 2 years). So, like your kids, mine would have been adopted to SOMEONE whether we came along or not. I don't feel guilty that it was us. But I definitely DO feel sadness that the adoption was "necessary" to ensure they had a future. I do feel the loss of their "Haitian-ness", and I feel tremendous sadness for their living birthparents that WE have them, and they don't.

[Melissa]

I'm not sure how I feel, but we've only been home 3 months. My daughter is from China, and I imagine she would have been adopted into a different family if it weren't me because she was only 9.5 months old and healthy. I guess I do feel a little guilty for taking her from her home country. Mostly, it is that I am more worried that she will be mad at me later... or that she will feel displaced and *different*. There isn't a very large Asian population around here, except the folks from India, which is obviously different. I ramble. I do hope I can provide the tools and support she needs as she grows up that will help her to realize that even though she lost a country she gained a family . I guess I think that family, or being loved by someone, is one of the most important things a person can have or know. I wish I didn't feel guilty. But, I guess I do. Peace.

Melissa

[Susan]

De-lurking here...I am not an adoptive parent, but I have very close connections to adoptive parents, so I like to read adoption blogs to keep myself informed. So I'm not speaking from any kind of first-hand experience, is all I'm saying.

But I think it's good you don't feel guilty. You adopted children who needed parents, and you were chosen by their first parents to be their adoptive parents. You didn't kidnap them or coerce their first mothers into "giving them up." Plenty of parents from the U.S. or wherever move abroad after they have kids, so their own kids are displaced, in a way. My husband is an American with American parents and he grew up in Kenya and South Africa, so he grew up completely outside of the culture of his birth. He's not adopted, so I know that's not the same thing. My point, though, is that plenty of kids grow up far away from their place of birth for various reasons, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

[Heidi - happy mom]

I haven't thought about it alot but, I don't feel quilty.

I am grateful.

I feel sad for my childrens birthmother, and the life that she has been dealt, no support, and more complex challenges then I have ever faced.

[Angela]

I keep twirling this around in my head but can't come up with something that explains how I feel. I too don't feel guilt but I do feel a profound sense of loss on her behalf. I also (the older she gets...she is 9) feel and have felt a tremendous need to raise her to be strong because it has been a big burden on her to be raised by a family that does not match her (to always have to explain to the outside world in one way or another WHY her parents look white yet speak Spanish - we draw A LOT of attention - is big burden for a 9 yr old who just wants to blend) and she is never able, not even for a day, to pretend that she is not adopted.

So..not really guilt but just sadness sometimes that I can't make things easy for her and that she always has to be on alert to field nosey questions, comments or looks.

[Someday a Mom]

A very timely thread, given the conversation I had with my husband last night. We are making the emotional transition from failed IVF to adoption--trying to accept the things we always assumed we would have but never will, trying to wrap our heads around the unexpected type of family we might become, trying to get excited about a new and scary future we weren't planning for. I think we will decide to adopt a baby from Ethiopia, and I think we will decide this sometime this month or next.

Among my many conflicting emotions about bringing a black child into an all-white family, I definitely have felt guilty and selfish. Like I'm putting my need (desperation) to have a baby over my future child's need to be raised in his/her own culture.

But last night when I was talking to my husband about this, I realized that our future child almost certainly would be adopted by someone else, and likely by someone white. Not that many black families adopt, so odds are that this child would either be adopted by another (and perhaps less cool) white family, or would grow up in an orphanage.

Thanks for your blog--I've been reading it ever since my last miscarraige. It's kind of like looking through a window into what's possible. On some days, that's what keeps me going.

- H

[louise]

Ah, a very timely thread!! This gives me a lot to think about actually.

I don't know if I feel guilt about our adoptions b/c it would imply I have done something wrong.

I guess right now I mostly just feel sadness for our baby's birth mom. I hope I won't have cause to feel any guilt over any of my actions in the coming years, so for now, I mostly just feel sadness for what she is feeling right now.

GREAT post.

[Leigh]

We adopted domestically, so I cannot say I feel guilty about removing my child from his culture. However, when I see siblings together I feel guilty, because he's now an only child.

For a few years I felt a horrendous guilt about even having Cody and his first mother not having him. I can't articulate it, but it was guilt. I still feel it, but not as strongly.

[beagle]

I don't think you should feel guilty. For everything they've lost, they've gained something just as wonderful and then some.

I know it's not the same, but my parents (by birth) took me across an ocean away from my country of birth, my heritage, and my extended family so it's not just in adoption that kids have to adjust to things as huge as a new country, language, etc.

In the end, a lot of life is what you make of if. And I believe both your boys are well equiped to make the most of theirs!

[Erin O']

Interesting and timely post for me, too.

I don't feel guilty, but sad, like many of the other posters noted. I also often feel a sense of urgency about making sure we do what we can to help the boys find their identities as black Americans, and as Ethiopian-Americans. Ultimately, and most immediately, I know we have to help the boys feel loved, secure and that they belong to our family. This last thing is HUGE for us now, as new adoptive parents, and I hope it will lead us to the best paths to accomplish the other challenges.

Total change of subject and tone, but I've tagged you for a much more shallow post possibility -- a fun meme if you're interested. Come by my blog to see what it is.