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Just to defend Julie herself, I think SHE doesn't doubt her love for and desire to parent an adopted child. I think all of her reservations are about the process.

I think a LOT of her audience misreads--willfully or otherwise--her ambivalence about the process as ambivalence about loving the child. And that's irksome, to be sure.


Loved your post. I found it thought provoking. I feel the love you have for your boys. It's solid.

Nohe 5

Love is never enough, adopted, biological or otherwise. I work with/for abused and neglected children, even the abusive parents claim they love their children. I have two adopted children (through foster care), one bio baby and am 6 months pregnant. I love all my children, black, white, born or unborn, and if that were enough, we could all be good parents. Questioning whether or not you could love an adopted child as much as a biological child is simplistic and narrowminded. Do you love your husband more or less than a brother? But you aren't biologically related to your husband? Family is not limited to biology; it never has been.

You have to ask yourself the real question. Am I willing to parent another child? Love is a feeling. Parenting is work, hard work. My mother once told me in reference to our adopted children, "If you wipe their butts enough times, their yours." It is perhaps a bit crude, but true. Parenting is not a magazine ad or a Rice Crispie Commercial. There is no soft focus or lilting music. It's a day in and day out, 24 hour, no holiday job. It is a good job. In my opinion, the best job on the planet, certainly the most important, but it is work.

If you are going to have another child, bio or adopted, to fill something in your life, don't do it. Parenting is not a give and take relationship, for the most part, it is all take, from you to them. I am not saying it isn't rewarding and that the hugs and kisses aren't great, but when one kid is covered in urine, the other in vomit and just to round it out the baby is covered in poop, it is not a glamorous job, you will not love it and it will not be a soul filling day. However, you deal with it. You fix it. And, whenever possible, you do it with a smile, because these are your children and you are willing to put in the work to ensure that they grow in to wonderful adults.

To sum up what I am sure is the longest comment I have ever left on a blog. Love is great, neccessary and, quite frankly, the easy part. The work you put in to your children, the time, the effort AND the love are what make you a parent. If you are ready for all that, then you are ready to welcome another child into your family. But try not to stress over it too much, you will never be 100% ready. And it is those surprises that keep the whole thing interesting.

Nohe 5

Just in case I didn't make it clear. You obviously love and are parenting your boys.


I don't have anything new to say about the discussion at hand, but just wanted to let you know that your blog has been a several-times-weekly stop for me ever since my husband and I decided to start the adoption process, and that this post, like your blog in general, is both inspiring and reassuring to me. I haven't met very many heterosexual couples who chose adoption for reasons other than infertility, and the fact that we're in that category has sometimes made us feel a little out of sync with other adoptive parents--even the paperwork we're doing for our social worker seems to assume that people are coming to adoption at the end of a long struggle with infertility. I have this (probably irrational) worry that when we explain that this is not our story, we're going to be told, "Well, that just isn't done. Why would this be your first choice?" Reading your blog is always a balm for my anxiety.

Thanks for sharing this, and all the pictures of your beautiful boys. :)


I'm in the same situation as Stephanie above (but single). Thanks for a wonderful post, as always.

Heidi - happy mom

I have not checked the links yet, but I get saddended that it takes people years and years to decide to want to adopt and then they do it because it is the last resort, kind of an after thought of well, I guess we have to adopt now. so in truth I don't see many peoples outlooks on adoption. and I struggle with the many comments that I hear from people oh so often now that I have had a child biologically, they call her my real baby or, they say things like it is a good think that you adopted her (my middle child) before you found out you were pregnant or you wouldn't have gone through with the adoption. Which of course is not true, because we did know that I was pregnant when we found out about our middle child and yes we had to think about bringing two children into our home 4 months apart in age, and all the trials, but we chose to do that, and have never regretted it and never would. I really jumped on my own soap box here, but I am slowley trying to get my adoption blog going, and yours really makes me think. I know that my 3 children were supposed to come to my home and that I am supposed to be there mother, and I just get sick when I hear of people who don't understand. thank you for your email you wrote earlier, I am bad at checking email and have not had a chance to reply. thanks for you blog and for your beautiful attitude.


this is a beautiful post. The second I laid eyes on Lily, she was my daughter. I knew she was meant for us. I agree that adoption can't be a fall back. It has to be something you want with your entire heart. Thank you for sharing your feelings and beautiful spirit with us. Your boys are amazing! :)

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