Mayhem and Magic

What Did You Learn in School Today?

For several months Sparkle's class has been learning about "Asia."  Pretty broad topic, huh?  But they have been learning about the geography, animal life, and cultures of different countries in Asia.

(Last week he asked me, "Are there tigers in South Africa?"  I told him I wasn't sure, but I didn't think there were many tigers in South Africa.  I said, "Tigers usually live in India and Nepal and China."  He said, "And tigers live in Russia, too, Mom."  He's right, of course.  I had no idea he even knew there was a country called Russia.)

Sparkle's lead teacher is from Bangladesh, so their focus has been a little more on South Asia.  The class has a big performace coming up, with South Asian songs, dances and poetry performed by the students.  Sparkle has been shy of practicing his dances for us, but from what I've seen so far, it looks like it's going to be a great performance!  For one dance, Sparkle plays the part of a cloud.  He's pretty excited about that.

This week he had henna painted on one palm.  When we talked about it, he remembered how henna is prepared, what it looks like, where it is applied on different occasions, and what some of the symbols mean.  Holy cow, this child remembers EVERYTHING, especially if there is a tactile component to the learning experience.

He was pretty pleased with the way his design turned out.

A Follow-Up Post on the Third Child Decision

First of all, no decision has been made.  Though I pretty much bared my vain little soul on this blog, the discussion between Beloved and I is actually just getting started.  He has his own opinions, concerns, and his own way of processing everything and coming to conclusions.  It will probably take us several months to come to a true decision.

Possible Third Child is still on my mind a lot.  Every day.  I'm still not ready to be 100% excited about the pregnancy option.  But I do feel like my anxiety about pregnancy and about the decision itself is gone.  Once I write or talk about something like that, the urgency and stress of it often seem to be much less. 

The same thing happened when I was worrying about maybe wanting to parent a girl, and yet being fairly sure I didn't want to specifically request a girl if we adopt again.  Once I blogged about it, I got over it.  And I'm still ok with having either a boy or girl if we do have another kid.

I also wanted to say thank you to all of you (not that I have such a vast readership or anything) for sharing your stories and for your encouragement.

It's wasn't a PC thing to admit that I am not always happy with my body, and that I'm afraid of what pregnancy might do to it.  As much as we joke about our bodies and the craziness of pregnancy, there is definitely a feeling that a real woman of 2007, a good one anyway, a confident, feminist, Christian woman should not care so much about her body.  (And yet with the constant pressure to be thin and gorgeous every day, forever and ever, it's a push/pull kind of thing, isn't it?)

It's also wasn't a PC thing to talk about pregnancy ambivalence among a group of adoptive parents, many of whom came to adoption through infertility.  I am aware that it could be painful to hear someone anguishing over her many choices, when you didn't have any.  So thank you for your patience.

I have not posted any pictures lately, but these must be shared.  The boys were filthy after playing outside all afternoon in the grass and dirt.  These were taken just before I stripped them down on the back steps and took them straight up to the tub.

Bugs

It has been beautiful outside this weekend.  Beloved grilled bratwursts for lunch today, and we all played in the back yard for a while. 

The boys were running around on the basketball court and a big ol' black beetle came scampering over the concrete and scared Sparkle.  He's not into bugs.  In theory they're okay-- bees and dragonflys and spiders-- they can be cool.  But the real thing--not so much. 

So he came running over, crying. 

"It's OK, he's just a beetle," I said.  "We can watch to see where he's going!" 

Sparkle didn't want to watch the beetle.  He wanted him squished.

"Go ahead, then, Hon.  You can squish him."

"I can't!  You do it!"

"You can do it, Sparkle, if you want him squished.  You could step on him with your shoe, or you could smoosh him with this bat..." 

(I don't like bugs too much either, but I was trying to empower my son, suggesting options from which he could confidently choose to take control of a situation that bothers him.)

Sparkle made a half-hearted attempt to smoosh the beetle with a bat and missed.

There was much distress and dispair and angst over the beetle, still traipsing across the court.

I am not sure why, but I decided I needed to demonstrate confidence and show the child how bug squishing is done.  I grabbed the rubber bat and smooshed the beetle.

It crunched.

And I had to turn away quickly because I was retching and gagging, my eyes watering.  I didn't actually puke, thank goodness.  I don't think Sparkle saw his mom nearly lose her lunch over a crunching bug.

I'll definitely be leaving any future instruction on dealing with insects to Beloved.  Ewww... 

Possibly the Most Controversial Post I Have Ever Written

What follows here is very super ultra personal.  I'm afraid it might be painful (or at least annoying) for a few people to read, so I'm nervous about posting these thoughts.  But I want to talk about it, so I'll try do so sensitively.

Here's an summary of the topics, so be warned: Fertility and Family Planning and Body Image/Confidence. 

Are you all okay so far?  You are?  Good.

I'm still thinking about Possible Third Child.  If there really will be a third, I don't know how he/she will arrive in our family.

I would love to adopt again, but it doesn't seem like a great time to adopt, does it?  Domestic adoption, I have learned, is a minefield of ethical issues that we're not eager to walk through again.  International adoption doesn't seem like a great option for our family right now either.

So that leaves...  (gulp...) ...pregnancy?

We have never tried to create a child ourselves.  We have no reason to think that we couldn't, but no one thinks they will have to deal with infertility, do they?  At this point I don't believe I would be crushed and devastated if we tried to get pregnant and couldn't.  But that's easy to say now.  Perhaps I would feel differently if we lost a baby or couldn't become pregnant.

I've never had a strong desire to be pregnant or birth a child.  The idea is intriguing, but not imperative.  My sister-in-law says, "Oh, but there's nothing like it!  A life moving and growing inside you, the rush of delivery and a messy baby on your belly!"  And I think, "...eh?" 

Pregnancy seems like a silly (and risky) thing to try just for the heck of it.  Should we do it even if I don't really, really, REALLY want to?

Okay, and here's the next thing...  Pregnancy and delivery don't scare me.  But what my body might be like after pregnancy scares me a little.

Women who have given birth seem to go on and on about how different their bodies are after pregnancy.  (The stretch marks!  The floppy belly!  The deflated boobs!  The baby weight that never goes away!) Of course post-pregnancy women are beautiful and their bodies are beautiful and it's all worth it, etc, etc.  But it kind of freaks me out how extra-hard it seems to be for women to be happy with their bodies after pregnancy.

Like so many women, I feel like I'm fighting with my body all the time.  It doesn't matter that I'm healthy, at a normal weight, and that my husband adores me.  I'm still constantly catching myself being critical of my body.  I do positive, healthy stuff for my body-- skin care and good food and exercise-- and yet I am still constantly needing to remind myself, "I have a wonderful body-vessel here!  Look!  It can run several miles every day!  It has a working brain and cardiovascular system!"

This sounds familiar, right?  And I'm totally not looking for compliments or reassurance from anyone, so you don't need to bother.  (And I bet, if we're anything alike, reassurance doesn't really help anyway, does it?)

With all the crazy changes that happen so fast with pregnancy and childbirth, I'm afraid I wouldn't even recognize myself afterward, and that would be hard.  I'd prefer my hips to stay as they are, thank you.  And my breasts.  And my pelvic floor, oh my gosh, what would I do without my lovely pelvic floor?!

Okay, so I'm being a little dramatic.

There are many factors that will go into the decision about maybe having another kid, and the whole crazy-body thing is only one, but the truth is that it's a significant factor for me.

As always, I'd love to hear your stories.  How did you know when you were done adding kids to your family?  If you're adopting, how did you chose a domestic or international program?  Am I over thinking this, or what?

Siblings in Adoption

This isn't really an Adoption FAQ, but it's something I think about a lot, so I'm going to blog about it.

Most children who are adopted either already have or eventually will have genetic siblings. 

One of my kids has siblings who are being raised by their (original and only) mom.  This isn't secret information, by any means, and my sons both know that there are "brothers" in another family.  They just accept it, at this point, without question. 

I wonder, though, how I will explain why she could raise those children, but couldn't raise my son.  I worry that he will feel less than acceptable, that he was "given away" because of some fault of his own, that he was not as lovable.

I'm trying not to talk about it in a way that implies that she unquestionably made the right or wrong decision. Hopefully, he'll be able to think about his relinquishment and his first family and decide on his own what his opinions are.  And I fully expect that his opinions will change over time.

So that part is all about my kids and their first families...  Here's the part that's all about me (me, me, me!):

I'm happy that my son's first mom is able to raise her children.  Really, very very happy.  But...  It really freaks me out to think of any of my son's siblings being raised by another adoptive family.  I don't have any indication that this is currently the case, or that it is likely to happen, yet I worry about it.  If for whatever reason, any of my son's first parents found themselves in a situation of needing someone else to parent one of their children...  I would move heaven and earth to either help them parent or to parent that child myself.

Of course, those decisions (should the situation ever occur) are not mine to make.

And then there is the "Possible Third Child" question.  If you've been around here for a while you may remember that Beloved and I put off that decision, and decided to re-open discussion sometime late this spring.  (Links to those posts here and here.)  Which, you may have noticed, is coming up.  And causing some anxiety on my part.  Which I may blog about later, but my brain is too scattered to write about at this point. 

Part of me is feeling really cautious about planning for a third kiddo.  (Third Child would very likely be our last.)  Though I know it doesn't really make sense, I want to make sure that if we need to, we can make room in our family for one of the boy's siblings.  It's so, so silly.  It makes it sound like their first moms are unpredictable or irresponsible, and I'm just waiting for them to "mess up," which is totally not the case. 

It's just my own anxiety.  I'm trying to get over it, but I'm not quite there yet.

Creeaytyve Spelling

This has nothing to do with anything, but it is horrifying none the less:

I met a perfectly adorable child today named "Elijah". 

Except...  his name was spelled... 

(I can hardly bring myself to tell you...)

Alyja.

(Shudder.)

(None of you have children named Alyja, right?  Do you?)

Yes, He Said This Out Loud

We went to see the barber today.  It's been over a month since the boys had haircuts, and Sparkle was wanting to run around and check everything out.  It seems to be pretty busy at the barbershop on Friday afternoons, and everyone else was doing something more interesting than just watching his brother get a haircut.

During Pumpkin's haircut, I picked Sparkle up and held him on my hip because he was getting into everything and I couldn't get him to just stand beside me.  (Usually he behaves really well at the barbershop.)

So he was wiggling and wriggling and whining and wanting to get down.  When I wouldn't put him down he fussed,

"But Mooommmm! You're hurting my testicles!"