Mayhem and Magic

A New Book

(First of all, Beloved is home!  Whew!  The boys were pretty much glued to his side all day on Saturday.  One good thing about Beloved being gone is watching the boy's excitement and adoration when he returns.)

We got a great new book!  It's called "My Painted House, My Friendly Chicken, and Me" by Maya Angelo.  I saw it mentioned by cloudscome, and ordered it right away.  It's written in the first person from the perspective of an Ndebele South African girl!  How cool is that?

(For any new readers, my older son Sparkle was adopted from South Africa in 2003.  You can read our South Africa travel journals beginning with this link.) 

I (still) don't know a lot about the various people groups in South Africa.  The Xhosa are known for the famous "clicking" in their language and of course Nelson Mandela is Xhosa.  The Zulu were warriors and their clothing is pretty distinctive.  The Ndebele create colorful clothing and beadwork, and paint wonderful designs on their homes.

Sparkle's first father is Ndebele, and it's nice for us that Sparkle can easily identify Ndebele art and clothing.  As a toddler, it's just a really basic physical reference or distinction that he notices and feels proud of. 

Sometimes I'm a little jealous of adoptive families who have the ready-made support groups in place when they bring their child home from China or Korea or Ethiopia.  There are state-wide and even nation-wide groups designed to help families connect with one another and learn about the country of their child's birth.

I feel a badly for Sparkle at times because there just isn't any South African community here (or anywhere in the US of which I am aware).  And there isn't a South African adoptive family community either.  Anything we learn about South Africa at this point is from a book or music or internet source.  We have absolutely no South African adults in our lives.

Often I think that finding his place in the African American community is most important for Sparkle.  This is definitely where we focus our transracial adoptive parenting energy.  Unless he decides to live in South Africa at some point, it might not make a huge difference if he knows South African culture very well.

But then, this boy is always surprising me.  He decides what he thinks is important, and often it's not what I expect.  So I wish connections to South African people and culture were easier to find for him and for us.

All that to say...  It was exciting to find a children's book, full of pictures, specifically about a group of people from whom Sparkle can directly trace his first family.  And reading the book reminded me how little of that type of resource we have.

Thanks, cloudscome!

Little Man

Sparkle helped Grandma wheel her suitcase into the airport.

Argh!

Beloved is traveling...  again.

Only three days this time, but on short notice.  Work and daycare schedules need to be adjusted, and a dentist appointment made months ago cancelled. 

We are a two-parent family, and things just do not work well for us as a temporary one-parent family.

I know that Beloved's travel is the result of decisions we have made together as spouses and parents, but I still hate it.  Before he leaves (and even sometimes after he returns) I have to remind myself to act lovingly toward him.  Because I am ticked off that he is leaving me!

(OK, rant over...  Deep breaths...)   

Adoption FAQ: Talking About First Parents

Long ago, I told you I was hoping to discuss how we talk about our children's first parents to others. (Here is a link to that post.)  I've been kind of stalling on that, because I'm not sure how to talk about it without sharing too much private information.

I think I'll just go for it, write whatever, be it short or long, cohesive or scattered, and see what happens...

So the major stereotypes about first mothers are that they are all young, poor, and single.  At least, from my perspective, that's what I hear most.  Some other assumptions are that first mothers are first-time moms (adopted children resulted from mom's first pregnancy, and women never place a child if they are already parenting), they are drug users, they are irresponsible, they are uneducated, they have bipolar disorder or ADHD or some other condition (the idea is that the disorder makes them too impulsive and that's why they had an unplanned pregnancy, or else the disorder is what makes them incapable of parenting), and that they do not have an ongoing relationship with the father of the child they place.

Without sharing specifics about the first parents of our kids, I'll just say with confidence that these assumptions are not valid.  Life was not going perfectly for either of our children's first moms at the time they chose to place their sons.  But both of them are physically and mentally healthy, sober (and not sober as in recovering from addiction, but completely-clean-never-used-anything-what-does-a-bong-look-like-anyway sober), responsible, intelligent, and admirable women.

The ways we talk about their first families with the boys are different than the ways to talk to other people, of course.

But when we are asked about their first moms, we speak positively about them, their accomplishments and their families, and not just in a "she's-so-noble-she-gave-us-her-baby" way. 

Here is something I'd like input on, however.  I'm happy to dispell whatever negative stereotype another person holds, within the bounds of my child's privacy.  But sometimes I've wondered how to do that--how to point out the many ways the stereotypes are incorrect-- without sounding like I'm saying, "Oh, but my boys didn't come from any of that nasty stuff.  We got some good ones.  No drugs or anything!" 

Does that make sense?  I want talk about my children's first parents and about ALL first parents in a way that is respectful.  (Not because I'm a goody two shoes adoptive parent, but for the selfish reason that I believe the stereotypes are directly harmful to my own children.)  I want to make the point that the stereotypes are misleading, not just that my boys or their first parents are exceptions to the rule. 

For example, when someone says, "Your kids are adopted?  My sister adopted a little Black baby.  He was a crack baby, you know, so we thought he would be really delayed.  But he's perfectly fine!  And so cute!  It's so sad how those women care more about drugs than about their babies."

What's the best way to respond? 

(Aside from addressing the crack baby myth, which is too much to tackle.)

I need a stock answer that is short, polite, clear, and communicates that assuming the worst of first parents does both adopted children and first parents a disservice.  Suggestions?

This post turned out to be long and scattered, so thanks for hanging in there.  I also realized I have not addressed maintaining privacy in adoption without making first families or adoption seem like a big, scary secret.  Perhaps there will be a Part 3.  Yikes.

Rebuked by Sparkle

Yesterday I sent Sparkle upstairs for a time out.  I perhaps used a voice louder than was absolutely necessary.

After his four minute time out, I went to get him.  As we were coming back downstairs, hand-in-hand, he looked up at me and said,

"Mama, please remember to save your yelling voice for outside."

A Proud Parenting Moment

I'd just like you all to know...

My child ate only peanut butter for dinner tonight, straight from the jar with a plastic spoon. 

Most of the time (well, at least some of the time) I don't cave under my two-year-old's whiney persistence.  But he was really hungry, which made him really crabby, which made him insist that peanut butter was the only acceptable dinner.  And I just wanted to get calories into him so he would stop with the hungry crabbiness.

Maybe not the highlight of my parenting career, but oh well.

How Romantic!

Two of my siblings are getting married!

My sister's wedding is coming up this spring.  The ceremony will be in a little chapel on a lake where my grandparents had a cabin when we were growing up.  She has a small, casual ceremony and party planned, and I can't wait to see how everything turns out.  I'm the matron of honor. (Actually her only attendent-- small and casual, remember?) (And doesn't "matron" sound horrible?)  Her dress is chiffon and flowing and soft-looking.  She chose this dress for me to wear.  The whole thing is going to be beautiful.  I hope I don't cry.

And!  My brother just proposed to his girlfriend this weekend.  He made her a scrapbook with mementos from every time they have gone out since they started dating a year and half ago.  He was really thinking ahead, huh?  The scrapbook was actually the second-to-last in a series of gifts he gave her over the course of an elaborately planned day.  The last gift, of course, was the ring.

Sigh...    

In honor of Valentine's Day, and weddings, and love, and my wonderful brother and sister, here is a picture of Beloved and I on our wedding day:

(Edited: photo removed)

Running

I went running yesterday morning.

I had not gone running for over two weeks, as part of my effort to cut from my schedule anything not absolutely critical for survival.

I was really nervous about starting over, and afraid that I would be totally out of shape again.

Actually, it felt good to run again.  It was a slow run, barely a jog, but I was able to do a full 30 minutes without feeling like I was going to die.

It's kind of a small thing, but it felt like an encouraging sign that things are really getting back to normal.

Hanging In There

Just checking in...

It has been crazy around here.  Really.  Mayhem for sure.

Work is very busy for both of us, and Beloved is traveling until the end of this week.  My mom is coming this afternoon from Minnesota to rescue us. 

(Sometimes if Beloved is gone for a while we buy her a plane ticket and she comes for a week or so to play with the boys.  Grandma loves it, the boys love it, it distracts us all from Daddy being gone, and it saves me a lot of time since I don't have to drive the boys to and from school every day.)

So, hooray for Grandma!

I miss blogging a bit, but the schedule is insane, so blogging is the first thing to go.  (And after that sleep, exercise, healthy food, and eventually sanity.)

We have had a bit of adventure here and there.  Aren't my boys the cutest things you've ever seen on skis?

(Edited: some photos removed.)

See you soon!