Adoption FAQ: Are They Twins?/Are They Brothers?

Question #1:  The Frequently Asked Question that far and away tops the list for our family is, "Are they twins?"  Every time we step out the door at least one person asks this.

(I wrote a bit about why this question bothers me about a year ago.  Here is a link to that post.) 

Interestingly, the questioners are 100% white.  We've been asked this hundreds of times, and yet never once has a person of color asked if they are twins.  Hmmm... 

There is a lot of interest, particularly in the China adoption community it seems, in finding siblings or twins of children who have been adopted.  I'm pretty skeptical of the whole undertaking, partly because based on this "are they twins" experience with our boys, I don't trust the ability of white people to objectively evaluate whether people of color look alike or not.

Question #2: A second very common question is, "Are they brothers?"  I invariably answer, "Yes." 

Adoptive parents have a number of strategies for handling intrusive questions.  Some parents might feel OK with saying, "They are brothers now, but Sparkle was born in South Africa and Pumpkin was born in Indiana."  Some parents might respond with a question like, "Why do you ask?"

For our family, we invariably just answer the question, "Are they brothers?" with a polite but simple, "Yes."

I know that the questioner really wants to know if the boys are biologically related, but we decided that it doesn't matter what the questioner wants to know.  What matters is what the boys hear in our reply. 

If we allow the questioner to become the most important person in the exchange and answer every question of their idle curiosity, I think the boys will hear that we agree with the questioner that their connection to each other and to our family is open to interpretation.

We have some other ways of trying to strengthen the bond and connection between everyone in our family.

We really emphasize physically and verbally the connection between the four of us as family.

Probably every single day in our home, either Beloved or I will comment, "Oh, look!  Our whole family is here in the kitchen!"  (Or, "Our whole family is here in the bathroom!" which I'm sure any parent with toddlers can testify happens way too often!)

We hold hands around the table for dinner time prayer, deliberately to create a visual and physical connection to each other.

If Beloved and I are talking without the boys, and absolutely certainly if we are sitting together or hugging, the boys want to be a part of that.  (Sometimes Beloved will actually say, "Let's see how long we can sit on the couch together by ourselves."  I don't think it's ever been more than about 30 seconds before at least one of the boys joins us.)  If one kid comes to join the hug, we'll make a point to say, "Oh no!  We're missing one person in our family!  Where is Sparkle?" and make a really big, happy deal of it once we are all together.

When Beloved arrives home and the boys come running, he lifts them both up, one in each arm and yells, "How many boys do I have?"  And both the kids yell, "Two boys!!"  They repeat this several times, and it is one of the greatest father/son exchanges I've ever seen.

Some of these things may seem really obvious.  But you know, I think it should be obvious that the boys are brothers, and yet that gets questioned all the time.  Maybe it's not so over the top to be deliberate about giving the boys the message that they belong together, they are brothers, and that our whole family belongs to one another.

(I'm hoping to do a bit of an "Adoption FAQ" series here over the next few weeks, starting with "Can white parents successfully raise Black children in the U.S?"  If you'd like to suggest questions that you have yourself, or questions your family hears often, please let me know in the comments.  And if you'd like to answer the same questions on your own blog, put a link to your answers in the comments.)

Comments

[bek]

This is yet another great post... I am going to have you "guest" blog on my site (and by guest blog I guess I just mean cut and paste SEVERAL of your posts....). We dont' get the twin question (yet) but we get the siblings one...we also get asked if Lauren is our real child... sigh.

Part of the reason that I wanted to address some adoption issues on my blog is that some of these things are coming from frinds and family members. I want to have it all down so I have a place that I can send them to... Christmas Eve I had a really good talk w/ my sisters and their husbands about the kids, white privlege, etc and they asked really good questions (but ones I thought they would alredy know the answers to...)It helped me realize that there is still a lot of teaching to do in my circle....

I will e mail you w/ the posts that I want to reference on my blog. I hope to have it up in a few weeks. I always love reading this blog...it makes me happy.

P.S. I am going to start saying stuff like that "here is our whole family..." etc. Great idea.

[Leigh]

I have always enjoyed reading your posts on adoption and about your family, I will look forward to reading your adoption faq too.

We don't really get those questions, I guess because we're all the same race. We still deal with the comments though. I remember once at a family reunion someone commenting and saying there was nothing like blood (as in family). My first thought was "yea, I guess so if you're a vampire", but I know that sentiment wouldn't have gone over well. I just ignored him, but was a little taken aback. As Cody gets older, I'm afraid these kinds of things may be an issue for us.

[Erin O']

Thanks for another great post. I've been sharing them with my husband so he can understand the things I've been steeping myself in in preparation for becoming a blended family.

We've been getting some interesting comments/questions from family pre-adoption, mostly which I still need to process. I'm going to work on a post and link to yours.

e

[Dawn]

I don't know why but we never ever get these questions about Madison. I think it may be her obvious biracialness, (which may lead some people to think that at least one of us is biologically related to her?) and it may be that she's a girl. I'm not sure what it is but I'm sure that raising full African American children and (as you said) African American boys is very different. At least that's what I guess.

[cloudscome]

I get the "are they brothers?" question all the time too. Sometimes it is from Black woman, often it is kids that ask. I have had a lot of people say they look alike, even though I wonder what they see because I don’t think they do. Even some black women have told me that and that they look like me. (?) To the brothers question I always say "yes" too. But often the questioner (especially kids) will keep asking "no, I mean are they brothers?" until I give in and say something like "they weren't born brothers but they are brothers now." You are right the question really is "are they adopted? and did they have the same birthmother?" I think a lot of people are really curious if they came as a sibling group and they wonder about the circumstances. I think it is so ingrained in our culture that families look alike that people want them to look alike – they want to see a physical resemblance to “prove” the family.

I avoid giving out personal information and try to affirm out family unity too. We hold hands for grace at dinner just like you and often have group hugs. All of us comment on how great it is when the whole family is together - my four year old has been doing that spontaneously for about two years. I think that's a good thing even in a family that doesn't have adoption in it's make up. Strengthening family bonds is good for everyone.

[Heather]

Hi All! Another great post here at Mayhem and Magic! :) We are probably asked, "Are they twins" literally about every 10 minutes every single time we are out in public. We get asked by EVERYONE (all racial and ethnic groups, every age group, etc.)... but the difference is that our two boys *are* twins. However, I'm pretty sure that a lot of the time the question is actually being asked because it is an inroad to more questions about our family/adoption... since it is so totally 100% obvious that the boys ARE twins the question seems sort of semi-false... Here is a post I wrote on our blog related to this: http://johnson-mccormickfamily.blogspot.com/2006/11/there-is-nothing-to-see-here-move.html

I'm finding so many similarities in our families the more I read your blog. We did not try to get pregnant, we went straight for adoption. We also do so many similar things consciously in our parenting... we hold hands for grace, make a big production about "our family" etc. etc. etc. I wish we lived closer so we could have dinner together some night!!! In the meantime... I am really looking forward to your "FAQ" series! :)
Heather
P.S. A request for a FAQ blog post (if it is relevant for you)... something about their HAIR. Now, granted, our boys have dreadlocks (which is very unusual given their age and given the circumstances of their family), but seriously- we get asked about their HAIR all the time! "Who does their hair?" In fact, this is our second most-asked question (after "Are they twins?")... I'm going to post about this soon on our blog so I'll let you know when I do -- but I'm curious if other white parents get this about their black kids' hair...????

[Brian (dad to 3)]

We have 3 biologically related (to each other) children and when we get the "Are they siblings?" question, if I have time, I usually say, "Yes, they are all my children," so as to not actually answer the question they want to know since it's kind of invasive and definitely not that important. Sometimes it makes the person realize they are being invasive, but usually they stumble upon the right word (biological) and ask again. I figure if they are going to make me feel uncomfortable, I mine as well make them feel the same. Especially since the next comment is usually about how great we are for keeping them together...yada yada yada.

[DeAnna]

Its funny because obviously I don't get asked if my girls are twins - age or looks, but a friend of mine, who has a little girl born in Guatemala, and I will get asked constantly if our girls are twins. She's the little girl I had posted pictures of on my blog with Isabella around Halloween. Granted, both of the girls have dark hair and eyes, and they are the same age (only a month apart) but they really don't look anything alike. It doesn't really bother us and our girls might actually think this is funny when they get older, but for my friend it might bother her more because since I have dark hair they always assume both girls are mine. Frustrating. Anyway, we had one person ask us how old the girls were a while back and we said something like "Isabella is 18 months and Makenna is 17 months" and then she asked "Are they twins?" :) But as my girls get older I start wondering how the comments will affect them. Right now Isabella still doesn't understand it all so any comments don't really effect her, but it won't be long. I don't think Isabella even gives anyone a chance to ask if they are sisters, if anyone talks to us, she will point at Amelia and say "That's my baby dister" or "you want to see my baby dister?" I love it that all she really calls her is baby sister. And Isabella has started doing this silly thing where she copies her daddy, when Kenny picks them both up he always says something like "My two girls!" so now when he or I have both of them sitting on our laps or something, she will say "My two sweet girls!" Its so cute. I've been talking alot lately to different people about comments people make about adoption either in the process or when you have your child and I just don't understand why common sense and courtesy goes out the window. One of my thoughts was how I seem to know not to say certain things to a pregnant woman - although I've never been there myself - but people can't realize what not to say to me or other adoptive families. And somehow we're supposed to accept that and they get offended if we say things like "I am her mom" and they do the old "UH, you know what I mean." We're supposed to realize they don't know "adoption terminology" and think that its ok. Anyway, I'll be interested to read all your FAQ posts.

[Laura]

I stumbled across your blog just now and this is the first post I read. I continually get asked "are they twins?" But I always assumed that is because they are dressed alike. They are actually twins, though they are not identical. the odd thing is, is that my white friends can tell that they don't look alike, while most of the black friends and children we mentor think they look alike, I find that odd. I thought all black people looked alike to white people, but I find it the other way around! I have not personally felt like people were fishing as to whether they were adopted or what not, maybe i am just nieve, maybe that's because I don't really care what people think or want to think. I have over come that a long time ago when we choose to adopt interracially. We live in the south and have had to face that issue with my husbands family a long time ago and I guess that's when I quit caring.

[baggage]

This was an interesting post for me because I am trying to add a sibling group to my family. So soem of the kids WILL be biologically related to each other and others will be brothers/sisters by adoption. I think the answer "YES" is the best one simply for what you said..YES they are siblings and the rest is nobody's business.

[luckybeans]

One of our closest family friends adopted a son about six months ago. Recently, the son's height came up in discussion, and Dad said, "Yes, but I don't think he'll be very tall because I'm not."

No one blinked until his wife cracked up.

Yes. They are siblings and your sons, and who knows... Maybe the genetics will wear off on them, too? ;)