« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »
(Edited: photos removed)
Our family loves the whole Christmas season, and especially making Christmas cookies! (And licking the beaters! Mmmmm....)
(These pictures are from one year ago today. Sparkle really wanted to help with the mixer, but notice that he wasn't even paying attention. He was probably looking for the other beater.)
More Love Thursday at Chookooloonks.
I am so blessed to be Sparkle's mom. He is amazing.
After the boys went to bed on Saturday night, I stayed up decorating the house for Christmas. When they woke up Sunday morning and came down the stairs, Sparkle said, "Mama! Mom, look! A Christmas tree! Look at the lights, Mom! Look, Mom, it's the shepards!" He walked around downstairs and just looked and looked at all the wonderful Christmas decorations.
"Mom, is today Christmas?"
And then, THEN...
It started snowing!
It was our first snowfall. It lasted about a day and Beloved took the boys sledding in the back yard.
Overall, it was just a magical day. I had been feeling frustrated, wondering how best to work on Sparkle's issues at school, but yesterday reminded me again what a delightful child he is, how full of joy, and how happy I am that he's my boy.
On Sunday night we reviewed our plan for school. Sparkle has chosen special stone from the ones we brought home from Lake Superior. It's dark and heavy and smooth. He put it in his pocket. When he feels angry, or frustrated, or disappointed he can put his hand in his pocket to touch his stone. If he wants to yell, or be disruptive, or do something else he knows isn't respectful, he can reach for his stone, roll it in his hands, and tell himself, "I can be peaceful and self-controlled."
(This idea, by the way, came from Erin O', who taught pre-school for a long time. Thank you, Erin!)
We also have an index card with the numbers one through five written on it. We taped it to the fridge. Sparkle picked out some firefighter stickers. If he does well in school (and the criteria for doing well are pretty lax at this point) he can put a firefighter sticker over the numbers, one day at a time. When there are five stickers, then he can play with the new magnadoodle that is sitting on the counter. (Five days might be too long, and we may make it three or four. We'll see.)
It feels good to have a plan.
Sparkle chose a stone for me too, by the way. Mine is yellow and square shaped. So I'm carrying a stone, too, and it reminds me of him. I've been thinking of him and praying for him more today than I usually do.
Ever since he was very little, I ask him often, "Sparkle, do you know who is my very favorite South African boy in the whole wide world?"
Lately he's annoyed by the question. Exasperated, he sighs.
"I am, Mom..."
Yes, my baby, you are!
Thank you to all of you who gave input about traveling with a young child. I'm feeling better about putting off the trip to South Africa. Maybe it really will be a better experience for him if he's older.
So, anyway, here's what happened at the Parent/Teacher conference:
Remember that Sparkle and Zoe were the only two kids from their previous class to go to River Room? Well, they were always buddies, but after the move they really bonded.
It has been several months now, and Zoe is definitely more than ready to move on and make new friends, and Sparkle is really jealous.
So jealous, in fact, that he literally chases her around the room (she's running away to avoid him), wanting to do her work with her, and sometimes even pushing his way between her and another child when he thinks he's not getting enough attention.
They are still buddies. Often they can play together well.
But the situation is becoming a big distraction for the teachers, Sparkle, Zoe, and really the whole class. Sparkle needs to be able to do his own work and find his own interests apart from Zoe's interests.
Also (and this is a big deal), he gets SO frustrated when he's disappointed that he can't calm himself down. We have seen this at home, too, and we've been working on it, but so far... he's maxed out our parenting skills already, and he's only three.
When he gets frustrated and angry, he yells or stamps his feet. He deliberately disrupts work his classmates are doing. Once he's on a roll of being upset, he just can't get over it and move on without a huge scene. He is often needing to leave the room to calm himself down (accompanied by a teacher). On bad days, he has to leave the classroom many times. Some days he doesn't have to at all. I can understand why his teachers are frustrated. On some days, he is taking a lot of their attention. He's distracting the other kids from what they should be doing.
How sad is this: Last week my three year old had to go to the principal's office, and had his recess privileges taken away for the afternoon.
It breaks my heart that he's having so much trouble with this.
The biggest problem isn't the relationship with Zoe. Really, the big issue is that he needs to learn to redirect himself, and restrain himself instead of impulsively letting himself just react (and react and react) to what ever disappointment or problem he's facing. Certainly this is something that all toddlers have to learn, but it seems to be more dramatic for Sparkle than it does for other kids his age.
At home, we give him frequent reminders and verbal redirects when he's in potentially frustrating situations. (Like, "Sparkle, it's Pumpkin's turn with the ball right now and you will get a chance to play with it in a few minutes.") We step in quickly if he's getting upset to remove him from the situation or remind him to be respectful, etc, before he gets overwhelmed. And of course we give him TONS of praise and positive feedback when he's doing well.
(By the way, can you see how this is related to our concern over how well he might handle a trip to South Africa?)
I can tell he's trying! Oh, it's so sweet how hard he's trying! I'm so proud of him, and so sad for him that he's tackling such tough emotional, personal, and social stuff already.
We are thinking of creating a chart, so he can get stickers for good days. After three stickers (or five?), we will do something special together. Or we may make the reward a small toy-- something that is visibly present on the countertop, just to make the potential reward more concrete.
Sparkle is a sweet, smart boy who loves to please us. I know he can do better at this. Maybe it will just take more time and maturity, but we're going to be working on this more specifically.
Again, I would love to hear any suggestions from anyone who has been through this toddler stuff before me...
Before we even met Sparkle, we planned to travel to South Africa when he was four, again when he was ten or so, and again when he was a teenager. Making that committment to ourselves and to Sparkle ahead of time has been important to us. We have been saving a bit each month in our "South Africa Travel Fund" since he was a baby. If we didn't plan and deliberately save for the trip(s), we were afraid we would put it off and it may not happen at all.
We want the first trip to be just a really fun vacation for a kid. No big cultural tours, no expectation that he will soak up South African traditions, no pressure to learn Tswana or anything.
We want the trip just to leave him with a positive impression that South Africa is fun, and that it's special and cool that he was born there and his first family lives there. Maybe we'd like him (and Pumpkin, too, of course) to learn some things like which animals live in various parts of South Africa, which ocean is nearest, and maybe be able to recognize Ndebele art. Easy, fun kid stuff.
The only other important goal we have for the trip is to meet Sparkle's first mom again. We don't have any contact with her now, but I think we could probably find her if we tried. We are a little worried that the longer we wait, the harder it will be to find her. We also would like Sparkle to see her again when he's little enough not to be too nervous or uncomfortable.
We were planning to go next spring, when Sparkle turns four. But our plans changed after our trip to Minnesota last summer. We were only gone for about ten days, and the time change was only two hours. But the time change was hard, the unfamiliar environment was hard, napping was hard, and the odd schedule was hard. By the end of the vacation, it was clearly time to go home. Sparkle is usually a very busy, but generally well-behaved kid. However, by the end of the trip he was melting down in tantrums several times a day, anxious, and cranky all the time. This boy loves his routine. He loves excitement, too, but without a predictable schedule he really struggles after a while.
After considering for several months, we decided to postpone our visit to South Africa for six to twelve months to allow Sparkle to mature a bit.
So, anyway...
Last week we got a letter from Pumpkin's first mom, R. We talked about it, of course, and I told the boys, "R says to tell you that she loves you, Pumpkin. And Sparkle, she says she wants you to look after your little brother."
After we talked a while, Sparkle asked, "What did Auntie Karen say to me?" (Auntie Karen is the lady who was his foster mom at the baby house.)
We have never had any letters from Auntie Karen or L.
When I told Sparkle, "Honey, this letter is from R. She's Pumpkin's first mom, and she lives in BigCity. Auntie Karen lives in South Africa, and this letter isn't from her," his little face was so disappointed.
Sparkle knows that R is special to our family, and especially to Pumpkin. He's old enough to be a little jealous that Pumpkin gets letters from R, but he doesn't get letters from L or Auntie Karen.
We have one mostly open adoption, and one mostly closed adoption. I expected that this might be hard for one or both boys at different times. I have not tried to make it seem "fair," because it's not fair. Their first families are just different and their relationships with the boys are just going to be different, and that's really okay.
And I am getting to my point... (Thanks for hanging in there...)
Sparkle seems to be more consciously desiring to know his first family better lately.
So should we take him to South Africa when he's four to hopefully satisfy this desire somewhat, even though we are not sure he can handle the travel itself? Should we put off the trip until he's a bit more mature, but make him wait for more concrete answers to questions he's starting to have?
I'm certainly open to advice here... Have you traveled a long way with a younger child? Have you met first parents or anyone else important to a child's pre-adoption life? If you are an adoptive family, do you have plans to travel with your child to his/her place of birth?
So, you know Sparkle has had some struggles with his move from the amazing toddler program to the pre-school program at his school.
For about six weeks or so, both Beloved and I have been getting this weird vibe from his teachers that something is going on in class that has them frustrated with Sparkle.
I hate that.
We were already on edge a bit because of how hard this move has been for him. The policy at school is not to talk about the kids in front of them or any other classmates, teachers, or parents. If something "negative" comes up, it has to be communicated between parent and teacher privately, either in person or in a letter. That's all fine, and I agree with the policy in general.
But meanwhile, there has been this vague feeling of trouble brewing. Sparkle had to leave his classroom several times a week (or several times a day!) to "calm his body," as the Montessori say. We were not hearing bright, positive things from his teachers. The best they seemed to be able to say was, "Sparkle had a better day today."
I hate that! Ugh.
And occasionally I saw things happen in the classroom that made me think his teachers were not listening to Sparkle very well, not respecting his word, or assuming that he was doing something wrong before they really knew.
Yes, I hate that!
(It's not that the school or teachers are horrible. If they were we would have changed classrooms by now. I'm just listing a bunch of the things that have been bothering me, and it makes the teachers sound terrible, but they're really not.)
So, we scheduled a conference. We specifically asked that his lead teacher and the preschool director be present.
I'm usually not the type of person to plan my appearance to make a particular impression. But on Friday I did!
Picture this: somewhat fitted soft blue sweater, dark washed straight-legged jeans, brown boots with heels and pointed toes. Blowed dried hair, sheer lip gloss, and mascara (Two coats! When I wear mascara, I mean business, baby!).
Sounds professional, intelligent, determined, but approachable, right? Very "I respect your experience and wisdom as a teacher, but if you mess with my baby boy, so help me, I shall kick your a** with my pointy-toed boots."
Beloved, in his characteristic way, was concerned but unruffled. (He was wearing khakis and a half-zip pull-over sweater, by the way.)
As we waited in the hallway I reviewed my notecard upon which I listed points for discussion (an organized mini-agenda, if you will, of critical topics). He told me, "I think you're expecting too much from this meeting. Don't be too disappointed when it doesn't go like you think it should."
He knows me well. Sometimes I hate that, too.
So perhaps I was approaching the conference a bit defensively. The lead teacher and the director have been teaching preschool for about 30 years each. They obviously know how to handle potentially defensive parents, because the meeting didn't go like I thought it should, but I still left feeling like it went okay.
They convinced me that they are not out to get my child, and that is a good start.
(This is getting long, so I'll try to cover the content of the meeting in Part 2...)
(Edited: some photos removed.)
The boys had their hair cut again last week. The barber is great, and the boys both sit so quietly in the chair. Mr. Victor called them "my little buddies," and gave them each a lollipop.
In the first picture, you can see Sparkle's nice clean hairline. The second picture is from the side (cute earlobe, huh?). The third one was taken last Saturday morning. Sparkle was pouting for some reason, but now I can't remember why. You can see in this picture that the barber cuts Pumpkin's hairline back much farther than Sparkle's.
I'm freaking out very slightly because it costs $30 for both boys to get their hair cut (his charge plus a $6 tip), and it needs to be done about every 2 weeks. By three weeks, you can't even see that nice clean hairline at all. $60 a month is enough to stress the budget just a bit.
I suppose I could try to buy one of those special clippers he uses for the hairline. But I feel like it would be disrespectful to the barber--as if I'm saying his skill isn't important, I just needed a demonstration. Plus, I am always looking for Black men for the boys to look up to, and I don't want to lose that. So, $60 a month it is!
We bought a lovely hair butter from Carol's Daughter. It smells strongly of sandlewood at first, but after a while there is just a faintly sweet smell to their heads. Mmmmm....
(A warning about Carol's Daughter: Their customer service is not great at all completely terrible!! I ordered two items and one that they sent was incorrect. It has been a HUGE hassle to get the right product, and I still don't have it, though my credit card has been charged $18 for the lotion, plus the shipping.)
(Updated: I eventually had to contest the charges with our credit card company because I could not get them the send me the product! Very disappointing.)
During my sophmore year of college, I had a really cool roommate. Actually there were six of us roommates living in an on-campus townhouse, but this girl was clearly the coolest of all of us.
Her name was Mckaela (a very new, hip name at the time).
She always wore the most trendy clothes, and she layed out her planned ensemble the night before. She sang along to Martina McBride in the shower every morning, and she curled her super-layered hair (also a new thing at the time) in front of a full length mirror in the living room.
Kaela's Abercrombie/GAP/American Eagle wardrobe was way out of my budget, and probably too cool for me to wear anyway.
But she had these awesome pajamas...
They weren't skimpy or incredibly sexy. They were striped, one piece, button up pajamas from Victoria's Secret. I was amazed that she looked put together and fashionable even when she was going to bed-- dramatic yawn, toss of tussled blonde hair, and blue striped pajamas.
Though the rest of her clothes were out of my price range (and my coolness factor), Victoria's Secret pajamas I could handle. I think they were $30, a big splurge for my poor college self. But I bought them. My little piece of cool girl self-esteem.
I still have the pajamas.
Last week I folded them and dropped them into the laundry basket, along with running socks, Beloved's work shirts, Sparkle's Thomas the Train underwear, and Pumpkin's faded little jeans.
And I realized that college was a long time ago. Like, practically another lifetime ago. I have a job now, and a partner, and two crazy toddlers. And I still think of them as my "cool" pajamas.
Oh my gosh, I am so pathetic.
And I need some new pajamas.
(Edited: Ha! How funny that two of three commentors so far have the same pajamas! Does everyone keep pajamas for 10+ years? I thought I was the only one!)
I've tried to be patient and understanding with Adoptive*Families magazine, but the thing is, they just bug me.
As far as I know, Adoptive*Families is the only subscription paper magazine in the U.S. specifically published for adoptive families. (Correct me if I'm wrong. Please!)
The magazine tends to have at least one article I agree with and enjoy in each issue. But every single issue also has something in it that drives me crazy.
Just for starters is the ad for an agency that works in Africa, with the huge eye dropping a single gigantic tear on the entire continent of Africa. The logo is something like, "an African angel is waiting for you."
You know the ad I'm talking about, don't you? It implies that all of Africa is a miserable, hopeless place, all children on the whole continent are sad, Africa as a whole is to be pitied, and the African people need us to rescue them.
(An aside on agency ads: Next time you get your copy in the mail, do a little informal survey of the adoption agency ads. You'll notice that the vast majority of the children pictured in the ads are white. There are no children older than about 2 or 3, and they are all healthy and able-appearing (none with glasses even, I don't think). The Latino or Black kids shown are mostly lighter in skin tone, when there are Latino or Black kids in the ads at all. They all have chunky cheeks and wide eyes. More girls are shown than boys. Hey, I'm just getting started here. You can learn a lot about American adoption culture just by looking at the ads.)
Adoptive*Families publishes short paragraphs of reader responses to articles in past issues. Those bug me, too. Did you read the responses to Dawn Friedman's article about naming Madison? I thought they might say, "This article made me think about naming in adoption in a new way." But the responses Adoptive*Families published were things like, "Well, I think adoptive families should be able to chose a child's name because it's important to us." Generally, responses that made me think no one who replied had even read the article at all. They were the same old arguements about naming, with no reference to the new perspective Dawn's article gently brought to attention.
And then...
Tonight when I checked my email, I had a reader survey in my inbox from Adoptive*Families. Here are the questions, copied right from the survey:
2. Open Adoption: Did you pursue an open adoption--believing it was in the best interest of your child and family--only to find it didn't work out exactly the way you hoped? Tell us about the challenges you've faced: Have you had to tell your child that he has birth siblings who live with his birthmother? Has his birthmother failed to stay in touch? Or has she asked for financial or other types of support? Does your child have an extended birth family who wants more contact than you are able to give? Tell us what you've experienced and how you've managed to work through it.
Here's my reply (and you all let me know if I was too subtle):
"The way these questions are stated is extremely offensive. These questions are specifically looking for adoptive parents to share "negative" experiences with open adoption. The wording--"HAD to tell a child about siblings" "birthmother FAILED to stay in touch" -- just begs parents to send AF stories to support myths about "bad" birthmothers. A good discussion question might be, "What challenges have you, your child, and your child's first family worked on in your open adoption? What aspects of open adoption are different than you expected, and in what ways have your expectations been met or exceeded? What message would your family like to share with other families who are considering open adoption or currently working on an open relationship?"
The article or comments AF will generate with the first type of leading question is unlikely to be helpful for families currently in open adoptions, and is likely to discourage potential adoptive parents from pursuing truly open adoptions. These questions do a disservice to adoptive families, first/birth mothers, and adoptive children. Please reconsider these questions, and think more carefully about your wording in the future."
Maybe I'm over-reacting. Usually I don't get upset or irritated easily.
Adoptive*Familes magazine, to me, is like a person who's perfectly nice and well meaning, but you just don't click with her. You feel kind of bad because you think you should like her, and you don't have any real reason not to like her, you just... don't.
Last Thursday was "Picture Day" at the boys' school.
I planned ahead and had Sparkle's super-cute green Hannah Andersson shirt ready for him to wear. It was chilly that morning, so before he pulled on his picture day shirt, I grabbed a T-shirt for him to wear underneath. It's a cheap, somewhat stain-spattered souvenir T-shirt I bought in Hawaii last spring.
Can you guess which shirt Sparkle is actually wearing in the official, now-and-forever, 2006 River Room class picture?
If you guessed the cheesy T-shirt with hibiscus flowers blooming around a technicolor "Hawaii!" then, of course, you're right.
Halloween seems to be a much bigger holiday now than it used to be. Maybe someone just figured they could make money if they convinced people to buy tons of candy and costumes. When I was little, Mom made each of us a costume out of cardboard and felt and paper plates. We went to a few houses, ate some candy, and that was it.
When I was in 2nd grade my best friend and I wanted to be beautiful brides for Halloween. We made our own costumes out of four old lace curtains. One curtain was draped over me, with a hole cut through for my head. I drew a necklace on the curtain with magic markers. Another lace curtain was secured to my head with a headband, and flowed behind me so very gracefully. My mom surprised us with one carnation each to carry on Halloween day, and we got to wear pink lip gloss, too. We were in awe of our own loveliness.
No one makes their own costumes any more! (Except Blaine, and she's a show off! Check out her daughter as a bunch of grapes-- that's my favorite! (Scroll down to the slide show.) )
This year both my boys wore hand-me-down costumes. Sparkle was a foot ball player (jeans, team jersey with shoulder pads, and a helmet), and Pumpkin was a lion (pull over shirt thing with a mane as a hood). As it turned out, Sparkle was the least dressed up kid in his class. The other kids all had face paint and fancy costumes. I didn't send Pumpkin's costume to school, because he didn't like wearing it that much anyway. He was the only kid in his class without a costume! There is a class picture on the wall from Halloween day posted in the hallway, and my kid is the only one wearing his regular clothes. I felt badly about that, but he didn't seem to notice.
In the evening we went to a "Trunk-or-Treat" event at our neighbor's church. Pumpkin demonstrated his fabulous "RRRROOOAARRR!" at every opportunity, and the grown ups were properly terrified and impressed.
(Edited: photo removed)
