Mayhem and Magic

We Never Asked for an Open Adoption

When we decided on international adoption to build our family, Beloved and I did not think we would ever have an open adoption. 

But then, there was Pumpkin!  Hooray!

And suddenly we had an open adoption for which we were totally unprepared.

Our open adoption has not been difficult.  (I don't know exactly what I mean by that, other than that we have not been concerned about safety, or finances, or anything you might imagine adoptive parents are worried about when they consider possible "problems" with an open adoption.)

So, it hasn't been hard.  But it hasn't been effortless, either.  I think the best word to describe the beginnings of our relationship with R. is "awkward."

We didn't know R. before Pumpkin was placed with us.  She had voluntarily relinquished her parental rights and asked for an adoptive family to be found before we were ever contacted.  R. did not select us as adoptive parents, and we were not "matched" with each other.

I am so happy with how our relationship is developing so far, especially when I consider how little preparation either we or R. had ahead of time.  Beloved and I certainly don't deserve any extra credit points as adoptive parents.  We (and R.) are just blessed to have landed on our feet somewhat.

Pumpkin's second birthday was last week.  I called R. on his birthday morning and she wasn't available, but she called back later that night.  Pumpkin was already in bed, so she wasn't able to talk to him.  But she and I talked for a while, and I was struck by how much easier and more spontaneous our conversation was than phone calls from two years ago, or even one year ago.

She told me about work and school and family stuff.  The family had a reunion recently, and she sent a picture with his birthday cards.

One of the cards is signed by family members (many of whom are in the picture), with inscriptions like, "To my sweet nephew, from your Auntie," and "Happy Birthday, Love Grandpappy." 

Two years ago, in spite of what I might have said I believed about open adoption, I would have felt jealous or protective about another family claiming Pumpkin.  But this year, talking to R., seeing the picture and the card...  I'm feeling so blessed.

I hope that someday Pumpkin can show up at a family reunion and be recognized, and welcomed, and loved by his first family. 

Obviously, this relationship is a long-term effort.  I don't mean to paint R. as a "good birthmother" (R. shouldn't have to earn contact with Pumpkin by meeting our expectations), or us as extraordinary adoptive parents.  I'm very optimistic that our relationship will continue to grow, yet I don't just expect that everything will be effortless from here on out.

So, to summarize:  open adoption=good, for all of us in the triad.

I just wanted to share our experience so far to encourage other families.  Every adoption triad is different, and you'll have to figure out what works best for all of you.  But yeah, sure enough, open adoption can work.

The Cutest Two Year Old Ever

Pumpkin turned two this week!  I think you'll agree that there has never been a sweeter, cuter two year old on the planet.

Blowing out candles can be tricky.

It's a drooly process...

His present from Grandma and Grandpa was a big boy trike.  Heaven!

(Isn't that a great "2" T-shirt?  It's a freezer paper stencil!  So craft-y!)

Isn't Fall Fun?

We discovered an orchard near us where patrons can pick their own cherries, peaches, or apples, depending on the season. 

What fun!  The boys had a fabulous time! 

Within about 20 minutes they had picked more peaches than we could eat in a month.  By the time we left, both boys had peach juice dripping from their chins, and their jackets had to go into the wash the moment we got home. 

We're planning to go back when the next apples are ready.

You wanna come with us?  We make a mean apple crisp around here!

Love Thursday: Remembering Referral Day

It's Love Thursday!

Today is the third anniversary of the day we received Sparkle's referral. 

We had been waiting for about four months after our profile was sent to South Africa.  The whole time we had been praying urgently for our baby and his/her mother-- that his mom would get enough folic acid, that she would know where to go to find safety or help when she needed them, that she would not be afraid to attach to the baby and that he would feel welcome and loved while waiting to be born, that she would have a safe delivery, and a million other things...

Two days before we had gotten a strange voice mail from our adoption agency.  Our referral was not quite ready to be sent, but we had a tentative court date in South Africa on October 1, so maybe think about buying plane tickets because they are so much cheaper if you buy them at least two weeks before you fly, but maybe wait for your referral... 

We video-taped the machine playing that message.  Oh my gosh, the suspense was killer.

At work two days later, I got a phone call from our adoption agency.

"You have a little boy!  He's five months old!"

Joy!!!

Hooray!  Oh my gosh, I have to see him!  I HAVE TO SEE MY BABY BOY!! Call Beloved!  Hurry home!  Don't you dare open the email before I get there!  Hurry!

We looked at his pictures first, of course.  I have never seen a more beautiful baby in my whole life, truly.  We read the referral out load, and I memorized all five pages of information about him.

We called my mom.  (We videotaped this, too.)  She was crying on the phone before she even saw his picture.  Then both of us were laughing and crying and exclaiming over this beautiful little baby boy.

Both Beloved and I had to go back to work then, but not before I printed out about ten copies of one of his pictures.

After all my sweet co-workers admired him, I tacked one copy of his picture above my desk beside this verse which was my comfort and prayer while we waited for this happy referral:

                 "But these things I plan won't happen right away. 

Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. 

            If it seems slow, be patient!  For it will surely take place. 

                              It will not be late by a single day."

(Habakkuk 2:3 from the New Living Translation)

Readoption Hassles

Sparkle arrived home three months before the US began automatically issuing certificates of citizenship to children adopted internationally. 

What that means it that we need to "re-adopt" Sparkle.  The readoption process gets the US to recognize the validity of the South African adoption decree, and allows us to apply for a US birth certificate for him, and then a US passport. 

We looked into doing this just after he came home, but the law offices we called around town all charged around $2,000.  Having just completed an adoption, this amount was almost entirely out of our reach.  Besides, we knew it is possible to do the paperwork ourselves, paying only the filing fees which are less than $500.  So we decided to try to get the readoption done by ourselves, without hiring a lawyer.

Let me tell you, it's not as easy as we thought.

I was going to write a whole long post, with a blow by blow account of our stumbling efforts to finish this process.  But no one wants to read that, and it would be boring and frustrating to write.

In summary, there has been a lot of two steps forward, one step back kind of thing.  Punctuated here and there by clerks telling us, "Well, you can file this if you want...  But I don't think it's right... And you know I can't give you any legal advice."

We can do it without a lawyer.  But it's time consuming, and confusing, and frustrating. 

Waiting in a long line last week at the courthouse, Beloved and I realized we have it easy. 

We are both able-bodied, educated, white adults with English as a first language.  I can't imagine how difficult this would be if we had difficulties with reading or speaking English.  I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to have to back to the courthouse over and over if we had to arrange transportation or manage a wheelchair.

We're almost finished now, I think.  Whew! 

But, yeah, we did have it easy.

Urgent: Your Child May Lack A Crucial Skill!

Yesterday when I picked up Sparkle, I met the lead teacher in his classroom.  For some reason we had never actually spoken face to face. 

One of the first things she said was, "Sparkle had a good day.  He was a little bored and disruptive when Ms S was introducing a new topic today, so we redirected him to some practical life work, and he did much better there." 

Ugh. 

I appreciate that she tried to keep her comments positive, but still...  It wasn't an ideal first conversation.  She is a very experienced teacher, and she knows he is one of the youngest in the class.  I think she has appropriate expectations for him.

But I want all of Sparkle's teachers to see what a fabulous and amazing child he is, and I want him to be their Very Favorite Student Ever.  I know it's silly, but I feel a bit sad every time I realize that other people don't love him as much as I do.

Sparkle is not an "easy" kid.  He's not easy to parent (My, does that child keep me on my toes!  Exhausting!), and I'm sure he's not entirely easy to have in the classroom.

So, anyway...  I do like this lead teacher, and Sparkle does too.  I'm really glad she's in charge of his classroom. 

And also!  She pointed out to me a small flaw in my parenting!  Sparkle is, apparently, lacking a critical three-year-old skill.  (I bet you can't guess what it is.  I never would have.)

Tearing.

Sparkle is not great at tearing.  So lacking are his tearing skills, that he becomes frustrated when working on tearing projects, and sometimes simply gives up on tearing things correctly.

She suggesting that perhaps we could work on tearing at home. 

(Perhaps we could punch holes along a line drawn on paper, and then encourage Sparkle to tear the paper along the line from punch-hole to punch-hole.)

I felt both amused and contrite.  I never knew!  We definitely do NOT work on tearing at home.  We actually actively discourage the tearing of pretty much anything in our house.  Who would have guessed that tearing is a critical fine motor skill which must be mastered before a child can learn to to hold a pencil and write correctly?

So for any of you who are parents, I'll just let you know before you discover TOO LATE that your child cannot tear things...  You must work on this at home!  Begin young!

Christmas in September

We made sugar cookies yesterday after Sparkle found some frozen cookie dough buried in the freezer.  We only have cookie cutters in the shapes of hearts, stars, and trees, and we only have red and green sprinkles.  So we made Christmas cookies!  My favorite is the mangled "star" on the lower left.

Here, Sparkle has climbed onto the kitchen island and is licking up all the little bits of remaining cookie dough as fast as he can.  That's my boy!

Hooray for Saturdays!

We have had a lot of busy, busy weekends lately.  Beloved's job is crazy right now as well, and he's been going back into work after the boys go to bed to try to keep up. 

This weekend we have very few plans, and so today was wonderful.

We took a very relaxed pace getting everyone fed, dressed, and ready for the day.  Then we packed a picnic lunch and went to a folk music festival at a local park.  There was a little wading pool at the park, where the boys insisted they must play.  I hadn't brought any swimming gear, but I just stripped them down to underwear or diaper and away they splashed!

This afternoon we filled up our little backyard pool and they played outside for a few hours.

Ahhh...  It has been a lovely day.

Multicultural Families

Have you met Erin (ten miles behind me...)?

She asked in a comment recently, "Have your adopted siblings talked with you at all about their experiences growing up as people of color with white parents? If so, I'd love to maybe see you blog about that, if you're willing. I'd also love to hear your insights on being part of a multiracial adoptive family too, of course."

My siblings have been very generous in talking with us about their experiences as adopted people of color with white adoptive parents.  However, I'm a little hesitant to share much because their own personal stories are obviously so much a part of our conversations.  I don't want end up putting my own words in their mouths, or possibly sharing something that they don't want to be public knowledge.

Perhaps they could be guest-bloggers!  I'll ask them if/what/when they might be willing to consider it. 

I will try to talk more about my "insights" (if I have any!) on being part of a multiracial family.

Thanks again for the suggestion, Erin!