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Beloved took this picture almost two years ago one late summer day at the park. The three of us (no baby Pumpkin yet) were lying on the grass in the sun. This was the first time we played "airplane" with Sparkle, and he loved it. This picture reminds me of relaxed, fun times we've spent together as a family.
(Go to Chookooloonks to see more Love Thursday posts.)
Bear with me, I'm probably beating this topic to death...
While waiting for our first child, I was really hoping for a boy.
(We didn't realize this at the time, but our agency in South Africa was only accepting applications from families who were open to a boy. When we were in South Africa, of the 15-18 families who met their children within that month, only about three or four had girls. So I guess about 25% girls, 75% boys. I have no idea if this is still a typical ratio for that agency.)
For our second adoption, I still kind of wanted another boy. The baby who turned out not to be ours was a girl, and I was thrilled. But I wanted two boys, and I was super excited when Pumpkin was a boy.
So now I have my two boys. Hooray! And fabulous boys they are, too!
I think part of the reason I've been pondering the "parenting a daughter" thing is because I am pretty sure Kiddo #3 will be our last. (Well, about 80% sure...) So maybe part of me was thinking, "Last chance! Last chance for a girl!"
But, as you lovely commenters have said, we love our children when they come to us, unreservedly. So I'm not stressing about it any more, just feeling excited to see what's in store for our family.
(Congratulations to those adopting from China who have referrals this week! Especially this family! You never hear of surprise twins with pregnancies any more... Adoption isn't "better" than pregnancy, but it's amazing and wonderful in a way that is different from having bio babies!)
Sorry for the lack of posts this week. We have been busy with a visit from Beloved's parents. Beloved and his dad replaced the fence around our yard, which took almost three full days of work. Mother-in-law and I quilted. The boys had a blast with their grandparents, and ate many more treats than usual.
Sparkle sewing with Grandma.
Sparkle sharing a marshmallow with Grandpa. (We told him he could pick out one special treat in the grocery store to have with Grandpa, and marshmallows were it!)
Pumpkin, all worn out, falling asleep at the table.
I wrote a whole big post this week about feeling like I might want to parent a daughter. (It took forever to write.)
And then I got over it.
Do you find that you sometimes need to emotionally obsess over a decision here and there, and when the obsessing is over nothing has really changed, but you are left with a sense of peace about the fact that nothing has changed?
Yeah, me too.
I have been putting a lot of emotional energy into thinking about our third child. A few months ago, Beloved and I had a big discussion about when, how, or even if we would have more children. It was one of those discussions that takes place over several days, with each of us asking the other, "So, what do you think today? Has anything changed about your opinion or your feelings on this subject since yesterday?" In the end, we decided not to decide for now. The Official Decision is to wait until next spring to talk seriously about adding another child.
I am satisfied with our discussion and decision.
And yet...
I keep thinking about it. I can't put it out of my head until next spring.
Sometimes I wonder about maybe being pregnant (if that is even possible). But I don't have a strong desire to physically bear a child. And it seems like a silly thing to do just for the heck of it. You know, just for the sake of the experience.
And I worry that others (or my own children) may think that Beloved and I were not satisfied with our first two children, and needed to birth a child to feel like our family was complete.
Plus, I want to adopt again.
And I might kind of like to parent a daughter. Or at least I'd like to think that if we have another child, there is a possibility of that child being a daughter.
It's not that I don't want another boy, or that I desperately want a girl. I just don't want to have to choose, and it seems like unless we request a girl, we would choose a boy by default.
Besides, I believe that (though boys are girls are perhaps different in some general ways, and individual children are of course different in a million ways) boy and girl children have the same needs, the same "lovableness," and that parenting a boy or girl is essentially the same in most respects. My goals as a parent of either a boy or girl would be the same-- to raise a kind, compassionate, courageous, faithful adult. (An adult who calls home regularly, and always comes home for Christmas, and likes my chocolate chip cookies. Just kidding.)
So I was ridiculously worried about this for a while.
And then I remembered how the boys came to our family.
Both of our adoptions have worked out perfectly. Not because Beloved and I planned everything perfectly, or because we had it all together and had all our decisions neatly made. Not because we were completely prepared (physically or emotionally). Not because of anything we did or didn't do.
This doesn't mean that adoption should be effortless in order to be "right." And it doesn't mean that during the adoption process we didn't ever feel anxious or overwhelmed or desperate.
But somehow, we ended up with amazing kids whom we adore with all our hearts.
And so I got over the whole "How-will-we-know-what-to-do?-Is-it-a-boy?-Is-it-a-girl?" thing.
If we have a third child and she's a girl, then Hooray! And if he's a boy, then Hooray again!
So I'll wait, with great hope and expectation, but mostly just with patience.
My job right now is just to wait patiently...
In honor of the 101st post:
1. I grew up in Minnesota.
2. When I was born, my dad was a third year medical resident and my mom was a kindergarten teacher.
3. I am the oldest of four kids in my family.
4. Two kids were born into the family, and two were adopted into the family.
5. Of my 22 cousins, 8 were adopted. So adoption has not been unusual on either side of my family.
6. I've always wanted to be an adoptive parent.
7. The decision to adopt was easy, but adoptive parenting is harder in some ways than I thought it would be.
8. We would like to have more of a relationship with Pumpkin's first mom, but we're not sure how to make that happen.
9. We've only met Sparkle's first mom once, when we traveled to South Africa.
10. We are planning to visit South Africa next year.
11. Now that it is getting closer, I am kind of freaking out about whether or not the planned trip is the right thing to do for Sparkle.
12. Have I mentioned that my boys are amazing? Seriously, if you met them, you would realize how truly fabulous they are.
13. The trend for adoptive parents to request girls troubles me. (Though I realize that requesting a girl is absolutely right for many families!)
13. In spite of this, I have been wishing for a girl lately.
14. This makes me feel very guilty.
15. I don't think I could specifically request a girl if we adopt again.
16. And I don't think that I want to be pregnant.
17. So I will likely remain a mom of only boys.
18. This doesn't make me sad or upset, but I feel a little wistfully disappointed sometimes about never doing girly hair or buying girly clothes.
19. I have a small stash of potential baby shower gifts, so if I simply must buy the cutest little pink onesie ever, it goes in the stash to be given to someone else's new baby girl.
20. I used to be a runner/jogger.
21. I quit when Sparkle came home and none of us were getting any sleep.
22. I finally started again about two months ago.
23. I don't like running.
24. I only run because I am not coordinated enough to do any other form of exercise.
25. Though I don't like running, I do like feeling "in shape."
26. I've never lost weight by running.
27. Right now, I'm up to almost three miles a day, five days a week.
28. To keep myself motivated, I entered a local race.
29. I finished the race just under my goal time.
30. I was probably unreasonably proud of that.
31. I would like to run a marathon, but I don't want to commit the necessary time for training.
32. Plus, running sucks.
33. And if I did finish a marathon, I would probably be unbearably proud of that.
34. While I run (on a treadmill in the garage), I watch VH1 to distract myself from the suckiness of the running.
35. There are some very strange music videos on these days.
36. I'm sure you've heard enough about the running now.
37. Beloved and I met because our parents were friends who attended the same church.
38. We don't remember when we met, but I was probably about 11 years old.
39. We had the same group of friends in high school (but we went to different schools).
40. Beloved's mom was my high school physics teacher.
41. We were already dating at the time.
42. I felt a lot of pressure to do well in that physics class.
43. Beloved went to college a year before me.
44. I was sure he was going to meet someone else and break up with me.
45. I treated him pretty horribly because I didn't want to get hurt.
46. He didn't break up with me.
47. We dated through college and married right after I graduated.
48. Overall, we dated for about six years before we got married.
49. Right away, we moved far, far away to Washington state.
50. We had both sort of heard that after people get married, they discover all kinds of things about their partner they hadn't realized before.
51. We watched each other pretty cautiously that first year, waiting for the other person to turn out to be a weird-o.
52. But we had dated for so long, there was nothing too surprising to discover.
53. (Beloved sleeps with his pillow over his head, but maybe that doesn't count.)
54. After the first year of marriage, we both breathed a sigh of relief.
55. We were married for five years before we met Sparkle.
56. My mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law all love to sew and quilt.
57. I am trying to learn, but I'm not very good at it.
58. I need a lot of immediate emotional support to deal with quilting.
59. Actually, I don't mind it, but it doesn't come easily.
60. My sisters-in-law both sewed their own wedding dresses.
61. And they looked lovely.
62. I totally bought my wedding dress.
63. My sisters-in-law both cook, too.
64. Sheesh, but those girls are intimidating.
65. I'm somewhat embarrassed that I don't have any craft-y hobbies.
66. I wish I enjoyed doing something attractive and productive and meaningful, like scrapbooking or sewing or baking or painting or photography.
67. I'd love to be go back to school when the boys are a little older.
68. I don't want any particular degree, but I'd like to be able to learn photography.
69. And I'd like to take courses on African American and South African history.
70. Sometimes it's hard to motivate myself to read about South Africa.
71. So much of the history is depressing and horrible.
72. I realize that it's important, so I try to do it anyway.
73. We attend a non-denominational Christian protestant church.
74. It's a pretty big church, compared to the church in which we were raised.
75. Neither of us has ever been a member of any church.
76. There is no real reason for that.
77. I wish I could talk about my job on this blog.
78. It would be really facinating blog material.
79. But I could be fired if I did.
80. Or sued.
81. Or, quite possibly, both.
82. So my job shall remain a big bloggy mystery.
83. Tonight I finished reading Red Azalea by Anchee Min.
84. It was very, very good, but also very sad.
85. I don't know what I'll read next.
86. (I'm open to suggestions.)
87. This afternoon at Wal-Mart I met another local adoptive parent.
88. (Yes, we shop sometimes at Wal-Mart.)
89. (Yes, I feel guilty about that, too.)
90. (But I am seduced by the convenience.)
91. (And the low, low prices. Always. At Wal-Mart.)
92. Beloved and I met this mom (see #87) when she and her husband had just completed the adoptions of two children born in South Africa.
93. This was about four years ago, and they had four children at home at the time.
94. I have literally lost track of how many children they have now. They are a mega-family. I think perhaps 15 children at home now? And at least two more adoptions in the works.
95. They are very happy. I am truly very, very happy for them.
96. But I'm a little bummed for us. It is almost impossible to maintain a relationship with the parents because they are always 100% occupied with their family.
97. Beloved will be gone tomorrow.
98. He will be bringing back a new mini-van.
99. Hooray!
100. This post was harder to finish than I thought it would be!
101. Thanks for reading!
Through Dawn at this woman's work, I watched this short film. You really must watch this. (And, actually, you really should watch them all.)
Most of the time, I love reading or talking about parenting, adoptive parenting, and transracial adoptive parenting. Doing a good job at this parenting thing is one of the most important goals in my life (along with strengthening my faith and my marriage). Usually I feel like reading/thinking/talking about so many aspects of parenting is helpful. I feel like perhaps I am learning something that will help me make my boys' lives better than it might have been.
Right now, though, I just feel heartbroken and overwhelmed.
Watching that little girl look down at the "bad" Black doll, and slowly push it forward as the one who looked like her...
It is crushing.
Don't you ever wish you could just give up and retreat into the "Love is Enough" theory of parenting?
Faith tells me that there is hope. But the world sometimes seems so very hopeless.
Little boys have plenty of time to figure out what other people think is okay for them to play. Perhaps one day my kids will realize that some games or toys are "girl-y" and decide they don't want to play that way any more. In the meantime, our playroom has a fair supply of dolls, a play kitchen, and dress-up clothes (including a few dresses).
On Friday I bought a doll house at a garage sale. The guy who carried it to my car asked the kids, "So, do you boys have some sisters at home?" I said in my most cheerful and confident voice, "Nope, no sisters! Just two boys at our house!" And he persisted, still, saying "Well, you'll have to get some Star Wars figures and paint some graffiti on the walls."
(Hmmm, graffiti? Was that some sort of indication of his perception of Black boys? I hate that I even have to wonder...)
When we came home, I put the doll house in the living room. Sparkle looked at it for about two seconds before asking, "Mama, can I go get my Playmobil people?" And then he played with the darn thing for about 30 minutes all by himself. (That was worth the $10 right there!) He had the Playmobile people eating dinner together, going on trips, and having long conversations about dump trucks and other construction equipment.
I love seeing this part of him. I feel like I am getting to know him better when I see what his imagination comes up with-- pet bears, cranky crocodiles, friends who go on adventures or cook with him, "bus-trains" built with blocks, cookies "with chocolate chips and sprinkles."
Maybe he won't play with a dollhouse forever, but I hope this lasts a long, long time.
We are going to be away from the computer for a few days. Have a great weekend, everyone!
Isn't this the best idea ever? And a new one is going up right down the block from my office. Hooray!
My meal planning ambition is... well, sporadic.
Last night we looked in the fridge at dinner time, half-heartedly tore up some wilting lettuce, and then went to Quiznos. We had a coupon! But still, this is not a budget-friendly way to feed a family. And if we are going to eat out, I'd rather spend a little more money on an occassional nice restaurant than waste it on here-and-there fast food.
For a few months last winter, some other moms and I each made eight freezable meals per month, then traded so we each had eight different freezer meals. It was great, but kind of hard to organize.
I think I can make this Entrees Made Easy come out to about $2.00 per serving. So, more expensive than when I take the time to plan a menu and grocery shop appropriately. But less expensive than Quiznos (even with a coupon!).
Maybe I'll bring some wine and some good music along... Who's coming with me?
