Mayhem and Magic

White Privilege

Yesterday I posted something about the boys' hair not looking good enough, and how I felt nervous about being deemed a poor parent because of my kids' less-than-perfect-looking hair.

Now, I regret that I wrote that.  I want to remove it, but it feels dishonest to just delete it like I never said it.

I realized today that the whole post is just...full... of white privilege.

When I feel uncomfortable for any reason (silly or serious, real or imagined) I have the option of simply retreating to where I am more comfortable.  This is only true because I am white.

My boys do not and will not have that option.  They cannot just disappear to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

When I take advantage of my white privilege, even unconciously, I contribute to institutional racism.

Boys, I was wrong, and I apologize.

I resolve not to let my own fear of being criticized keep my family from participating in anything I know will be beneficial to my children.

Crocodile Bites and Baby Talk

Pumpkin sits at the kitchen table in a Kinderzeat (which I love and highly recommend).  Usually he waits quite patiently to be released while we are cleaning up dinner.  Last night, though, I looked over from loading the dishwasher to see him tugging on the buckle saying, "Uck...  Uck...  Dow, dow, dow...  Uck."  (Translation: "Stuck...  Stuck... Down, down, down...  Stuck.")

Sweet baby!

-----------------------

This morning I heard Sparkle talking to himself in his room while I was getting ready for work.  When I went in to get him up, he had Puppy and Elephant seated on his pillow side by side, facing him. 

Sparkle: Momma, I'm showing Puppy and Elephant my owie.

Me: You have an owie?  Where?

Sparkle, pulling off his sock and examining the bottom of his foot somberly:  Right here.

Me, looking at his perfectly normal and uninjured foot: Hmmm...  What happened?

Sparkle: Well, I was hunting crocodiles.  I poked him in the water with my stick.

Me: Wow, Babe.

Sparkle: He chased me and bit my foot.

Me: Then what happened?  Did he go away?

Sparkle: Yeah, I roared at him.  (Demonstrates ferocious roar.)

Me: Wow!  You roared and then he went away?

Sparkle, casually: Yeah...  (examines foot and presents it again for inspection)  It's getting better.

Finding a Faith Community (Why we haven't--yet)

There are several Christian churches in our area with either mostly-Black or mostly-not-white congregations.  We kind of picked one and attended several times (like, six times--not a whole lot).  We were blessed to feel welcomed, and I'm sure our boys would feel included there.

There were two reasons we decided not to attend regularly, for now.  I'm going to share them, though I'm afraid they will make me sound paranoid and vain.  But here goes...

First Reason:  I was really self-concious about the boys' hair. I can't get it to have that nice clean Will Smith edge.  When it gets longer it curls up so tight that it looks like they have bitty little knots all over their heads.  After it gets brushed it looks smooth for about 5 minutes, maybe.  So I keep it pretty short, just cutting it with a WalMart clippers with the shortest guard on the clippers. 

When they were smaller, I tried a few different hair products and asked for tips from two Black hairdressers.  I tried different washing intervals.  Somehow, I never felt like I got it right.  (Maybe I didn't try enough products?  How long are you supposed to use something before you know if it's the right product?  A few days, a few weeks?) 

(I do still use a moisturizer and brush it twice a day--it's not like I'm neglecting their hair completely, I just don't think it's as good as it could be.)

Clearly, I am an unfit parent for Black children.  At least, this is what I fear Black people will think when we have just appeared at their church and they don't know us and are trying to figure us out.  I definitely understand that hair care is a big deal in the African American community, and I am embarrassed that I've mostly failed at something so obviously important.

Vanity, you see?  I must just get over it and try again.

Second Reason: The services were from 11 to 1, right through lunch and the beginning of nap time.  All the other children in the service seemed to handle it OK.  My kids, on the other hand, cried and wiggled and behaved like hungry, tired kids.  Bringing snacks to eat during the service fixed the "hungry" thing, but not the "tired" thing. 

We decided to try again when the boys are a little older.      

A Bit of Follow Up on Education and Diversity

Regarding the importance of diversity in educational settings, Leigh commented:

"I think diversity to a certain extent, economic and and racial, is very important. Even though I had some friends in school, I hated being the only black kid in class, it was awkward and lonesome, especially when we had to read books which referred to black people in derogatory terms (think Tom Sawyer here), and all eyes were on me. When I got to high school, things changed, and for the first time in many years, I started to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't ever want Cody to experience anything like that, but I want him to have a good education. With public schools, sometimes little black boys get stereotyped by overworked teachers, not always, but it does happen."

Yes, yes, that is exactly the feeling I want to avoid for the boys--that all eyes are on them.  Leigh, what changed in high school?  Did you move to a different school?   

I remember reading that negative racial stereotypes start to affect the education of Black boys in a measurable way at about 6th grade, or age 12.  At that point, Black boys begin to seperate from their white male peers in how many detentions are given, the percentage of boys who are assigned to special education, the percentage that are held back, and that the consequences for poor behavior start to be dramatically more severe for Black boys than white boys.  I did a quick Google search, but couldn't find it again.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Dawn commented that it is difficult for her to find a preschool with Black teachers where her daughter will be in the majority:

"I just want her to have one place where she has the opportunity to make social inroads in the Black community."

Again, yes, that's exactly what we'd like for the boys. 

One place we have looked besides the school setting is a faith community.  I think that may be a better opportunity, at least for our family, to be part of a community where Sparkle and Pumpkin just blend in (except for the fact that they have white parents). 

More on this in a bit...

Now this is Fatherhood

It's that time of year again.  Yesterday Beloved mowed the lawn for the first time this spring.  All of our neighbors have riding lawn mowers, but not Beloved.  He's a farmboy, and he's not afraid of a push mower.  Even though our lawn is about 3/4 acre.  Even though the boys really want to "help".  (What a great dad, no?)

Late on the Weight Thing

Yesterday I read some of the posts and comments swirling around MIM and So Close.

The "false advertising" concept is sad.  And I was surprised by how the idea of weighing less is automatically associated with being more healthy.

I've been thinking about weight/health stuff, because I recently lost about 15 pounds.  I was never obese, and I realize I have nothing to complain about, really.  No thyroid problems, disease, or (gasp!) depression (because obviously people who are overweight are depressed and don't respect themselves). 

I lost weight by skipping breakfast (except for fat free coffee creamer), snacking more on salty food instead of sweet food, and buying Lean Cuisine frozen meals so I didn't have to think about calorie counting or portion control.  For a while, I was eating 2-3 bags of fat-free microwave popcorn a day, just to put something in my mouth.  I didn't exercise. 

(I used to run!  The last time I went running was the morning we left for South Africa.  After that I didn't sleep through the night for almost 2 years, and couldn't bear to leave my precious bed one second before I had to.  I ran because I felt like I had to, not because I enjoyed the running itself.  It was satisfying to think to myself, "I ran 5 miles this morning!  Hey, I am so tough!"  But not satisfying enough to go through the work of getting in shape again.) 

So now I weigh 15 pounds less, and I fit into my clothes again.  But I have no illusions that I have actually made myself healthier.  (I mean, really, 2-3 bags of fat-free microwave popcorn every day!  How healthy could that possibly be?)

(Beloved, by the way, was fabulous.  When I told him I was going to try to lose some weight he very appropriately responded, "Really?  Why?" and then was totally supportive and encouraging in a not-judging-or-critical way.)

My favorite response was this one, from Sweet Juniper:

"Love has a way of eclipsing superficial concerns.

Look at your spouse or your lover tonight, hold them tight, and think about your future together. Remember that death is inevitable, and that you are going to lose that person one day, or he or she will lose you. You cannot change that. Remember that if you are lucky, you will live to see your spouse put on a few pounds, grow wrinkles, grow bald and liverspotted and grumpy. If you are lucky you will see your children find love in someone else, and then see you and your spouse and a whole host of strangers live on in the children that grow physically from that love. You will see youth again in them, you will remember all the good times you had in yours. If you are lucky you will grow old and change in a million different ways with the person you've chosen to live your life with. Not everyone reading this will be so lucky. Among you there will be car accidents, lives snatched away without a moment to say goodbye. There will be hands to hold in hospital beds. There will be chemotherapy. There will be pain.

But again, if you are lucky it will come in the depth of the winter of your lives, though an invincible summer will burn inside you still, a love that a few extra pounds could never kill."

Puppets

As you can see, the monkey is taking a trip (to Las Vegas, by the way) on a jet plane.

Education and Diversity

Choosing daycare/school for my kids has been one of the hardest things about parenting so far. 

When the boys were under 1 year old, they both went to a national chain daycare center.  There is not much infant daycare available around here, and we didn't want an in-home daycare, so we just used this center because they were available.

In the infant rooms, the caregiver/child ratio was higher and several of the staff actually had some training in early childhood development.  This center attracted quite a few families with infants because they were one of the only places around that took infants at all.  They attracted other families partly because they accepted government assistance programs for daycare costs.  So among the families of the younger kids there was quite a bit of economic diversity. 

Economic diversity-->racial and social diversity as well.  (I wish this wasn't necessarily the case; that people of all races and family structures and economic means had access to the same quality daycare options.)

We were not comfortable keeping our kids at that center beyond the infant rooms.  The class sizes were huge, with a 7:1 kid to caregiver ratio.  The "teachers" didn't have much education in child development. 

So... we started looking for something else.

The school the boys attend now is not as economically diverse.  It's pretty expensive, and they don't accept assistance programs.  But, we were pleasantly surprised by the racial diversity of the families/kids who attend.  The government jobs in our area bring a lot of international families here.  Most of these families have well-educated parents with secure jobs, who are able to send their kids to a private school.  In both Sparkle and Pumpkin's classes, about 50% of the kids are not-white.  Each of their current classrooms has one not-white teacher out of three.

(I realize that it's simplistic to group people into 'white' or 'not-white' catagories, and I hope it's not offensive.  The reason I state it this way is because I don't think I'm going to be able to find a school around here with enough Black kids to create a decent sized peer group for the boys.  So I'm just doing my best to make sure they are not always surrounded by white faces, that they have teachers and role models that are not-white, and that they are never the only Black child in the classroom.  We have to pick battles that can potentially be won, know what I mean?) 

Aside from the whole "Sunshine Room" thing, we were hoping that Sparkle could stay in a classroom with the only other Black boy who is in his current class.  They aren't best buddies, but they are friends in a 3-year-old kind of way.  But it sort of looks like that won't happen.  I am disappointed, but I'm not sure how concerned I should be.

Overall, the students and teachers are racially diverse for our area.  Academically the school is great.  The location is convenient.  Sparkle and Pumpkin are both thriving there right now.  It seems silly to second guess.  (But that's what parent's DO, right?)

I am really rambling, but I guess my questions about chosing a school are:

1) Is economic diversity as important as racial diversity? 

2) How "diverse" is diverse enough? 

3) Am I over-emphasizing the "my kid can't be the only Black boy in his class" thing? 

4) Does academic quality trump any other criteria? 

5) Does it all just depend on the child-- his ability to make friends, his talents and interests, his concerns? 

6) Am I missing something I should be considering? 

Once again, I am left with the suspicion that "parenting" is mostly a fancy word for "winging it, completely making it up as we go along, any plans subject to change without notice."

Whadda ya think?

Quick School Update

I have been thinking about school stuff lately, and I want to post something about chosing schools for our kids, the importance of diversity, etc.

And I was all set to let you know that, actually, people didn't line up outside the school on registration day.

But! 

But yesterday when I picked up the kids, there were, in fact, three different parents sitting in lawn chairs outside the school, prepared to spend the night in order to get their kids into the school's 1st grade program.  I'm not even kidding.  I don't know if registration for 1st grade starts today (Saturday), or if (oh my gosh) they are planning on sitting there until Monday morning.

I wished I had a camera phone or something.

Yikes.

South Africa Travel Story, 5

October 3, 2003

(Amanda writing)

I am trying not to come to conclusions about Sparkle’s personality too early.  However, I think that we are probably going to have a pretty strong-willed little boy on our hands.  No signs of compliant, easy going nature appearing so far!  He clearly knows what he wants, and has no problem screaming for it.  We are getting better at not over-reacting to having him cry.  Beloved is better at it than I am so far.

He is very active!  He rolls over to get where he wants to go, he pushes up really well with his arms when he’s on his belly, he screeches and laughs a lot.  He is not very snuggly.  He would rather sit up and make sure he sees everything else that might be interesting than to be held close.

There are two other little boys here both born within 4 days of Sparkle, and all three are from different children’s homes.  The other boys are much quieter, more content to lie on their backs or sit in a carrier.  One boy hasn’t had any solid food yet and doesn’t roll over.  I am not sure what to think about development, comparing the three of them.  (Not that three kids is a great sample size.)  I think with Sparkle’s personality, he might just have been more demanding of attention, and so has been held more, had more eye contact, etc.  I don’t know if all three boys would be considered officially “normal” in development, or if the other two are behind.

He does smell nice!  His hair is very soft.  I bought a “hair sheen,”, which makes it smell nice and makes it shiny.  His neck is very wrinkly.  He has a bung ear lobe (the right I think).  It looks like the lobe was torn or something, but apparently he was born that way.  He has some kind of mark on his left arm.  It looks like a healing wound.  He also has a scar on his left thigh.  There is a hard bump under the skin, and over the bump the skin and fat are kind of atrophied a little.  My two theories are 1) he had some kind of cellulitis when he got immunizations or 2) he had a steroid injection that made it atrophy a little.  (He was in the hospital for about a day three weeks ago for bronchiolitis.  He still has kind of a wheezy cough and some congestion.)  It is sad that he has been sore, or had infections, or been in the hospital without us being there to take care of him.  It bothers me that he has physical scars and I don’t know the cause.  But I guess someone was taking care of him and we are grateful for that.

________________________________________--

10-4-03

(Beloved writing)

I realized that we have not been giving you all some interesting details about Sparkle.  For example, the kid eats anything.  I will challenge you all to come up with a combination of food that he won’t eat.  Today he had ham and apples for breakfast and chicken and broccoli for a bedtime snack. 

Another detail that you may be interested in is that he is a tea drinker.  Tea…Earl Grey…Hot.  No, actually he drinks a South African tea.  It doesn’t have caffeine or sugar, and no calories, but he loves it.  His caregiver gave us a couple of bottles of it and said that he has been having it from the day he came in.  Amanda and I tasted it and it isn’t that good really.  I would have to add tons of sugar, but Sparkle likes it, so we go with it.  We just didn’t figure that we would be brewing tea for our five month old.

10-5-03

(Amanda writing)

A few days ago when we were eating at a fast food place the ladies at the counter were oohing and ahhing over the baby.  They even came out from behind the counter and took him from my arms.  (I have not let anyone else hold him at all!  Not even other people at Lethabong!  But they pretty much insisted, and Sparkle looked a little concerned but was OK.)  After we ordered and

Beloved

was waiting for the food they asked him, “Where did you get him?” 

Sparkle

said, “Well, he’s our son.  We adopted him.”  They quizzed him a little—“Do you love him?  Are you going to take good care of him?”  They also volunteered themselves for the job of being his nanny, and were pretty disappointed that we were not planning to stay in

Pretoria

!

Another interested note from the fast food experience:  One of the ladies told us that she also had a son named Kgothatso.  She choose that name because she had a child who died before her son was born. She chose his name because it means “comfort” in Tswana.  I love having new insight on the meaning of his name!!  We were told before that it was a phrase mothers use to comfort a child, and means “I sympathize with you.”  Sounds like two similar interpretations of the name. 

Monday October 6, 2003

It has been one week since we have had Sparkle.  This may sound weird, but he has changed a lot over that week.  It is Monday here, so the three new families have their new babies.  There is a lot of little screams from time to time.  It is fun to look at the process from a week out.  All the “old” families were happily eating supper, and all of the new families were frantically rushing about.  That was us a week ago, my how much changes in a week. 

When we were at the zoo, we got a whiff of Sparkle’s bottom.  He was a bit smelly.  Because the zoo was so empty, we stopped right there and changed him in front of the antelope exhibit.  This was the messiest diaper that Sparkle has had with us.  The problem was that we only had two baby wipes left in our possession.  We were laughing so hard our bellies hurt.  We were tearing the wipes in quarters to try to conserve.  In the end, we got his bottom cleaned up and all was well, but it was very funny.

Amanda is currently working on the picture book for Sparkle’s birth mom.  We are to meet her tomorrow morning.  We have a couple of gifts.  We are excited to meet her, but still a bit anxious.